Parker Executive Search Explains The Fran McCaffery Hire

Scene: a crowded media hall, where two familiar faces sit in front of a backdrop that looks like a blanket you'd receive as a promotional gift. Or just look at that picture up there. Flashbulbs pop and a full room of media faces buzzes with anticipation.

Iconbarta_medium Hello, everyone, welcome to the news conference. I told you I wouldn't be meeting with you until I had a new coach, and so as I'm sure you've all heard, here's Iowa's new men's head basketball coach, Fran McCaffery.

Iconpresser_medium (boisterous applause, somehow, even though that one hand remains in the air)

Iconmccaffrey_medium Thank you for that warm welcome. I'm sure I'll have a great time while I'm h

Iconpresser_medium So how much is your buyout?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Goddammit. You weren't kidding, Gary.

Iconbarta_medium Nope. They're pretty bad.

Iconpresser_medium Mr. Barta, any truth to the rumor that Bruce Pearl will take over for McCaffery tomorrow?

Iconpresser_mediumIconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium  BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE

Iconpresser_mediumIconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium  BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE!

Iconbarta_medium No. Look. Bruce Pearl is not coming to Iowa. He was never coming to Iowa. He rubbed a magic lamp and got a great job at Tennessee, the SEC's admissions standards, and infinity blowjobs. Metaphorically, of course.

Iconpresser_medium So why did you not promise him infinity times infinity blowjobs?

Iconbarta_medium Metaphorically again?

Iconpresser_medium ...

Iconbarta_medium Okay, look. I know you guys are all upset that you always get left completely in the dark on coaching searches, since all you have are Iowa contacts and not Parker Executive Search contacts. And I know you're all upset about that being the entire reason I use a search firm instead of handling things through the various athletic departments. I saw what your coverage was like. It was terrible. You were all either guessing or listening to sources who were guessing. I told my secretary one morning that we were thinking about hiring Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and it was on Rivals and a The View message board before my coffee was cold. You see why you guys don't really... y'know, help anything, right?

Iconpresser_medium (silent, except for audible mouth-breathing)

Iconbarta_medium But since you guys are such good sports, I'm going to let you talk to my guy at Parker Executive Search, and he'll tell you all about the hiring process.

Iconpresser_medium Hooray!

Iconbarta_medium C'mon out here, Norm.

Iconnorm_medium (rolls next to Barta)

Iconnorm_medium WELP, HOWDY, DANG IT

Iconnorm_medium S'POSE YOU'RE HERE TO ASK ABOUT ME AND FRAN

Iconpresser_medium Oh god. The "Parker" in Parker Executive Search was really just Norm Parker all along?

Iconnorm_medium AND THE MISSUS

Iconnorm_medium SHE COULDN'T BE HERE TODAY, SHE'S STILL TEACHIN' THE DOGS TO PLAY SCRABBLE

Iconpresser_medium ...

Iconnorm_medium THEY'RE NOT TOO GOOD, THEY JUST EAT THE TILES. FORTUNATELY WE USE THE PLASTIC ONES, SO THEY CLEAN OFF REAL EASY

Iconpresser_medium ...

Iconnorm_medium BEST WORD ANY OF 'EM MADE WAS "PL"

Iconpresser_medium That's not a word.

Iconnorm_medium WE DON'T REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR TO CHALLENGE DOG WORDS

Iconpresser_medium So you were the one who was interviewing every single candidate?

Iconnorm_medium YEP

Iconpresser_medium How is that possible? You're not based in Atlanta. Have you ever even been to Atlanta?

Iconnorm_medium ATLANTA?

Iconbarta_medium Oh, did I tell you guys Atlanta? I meant Atlantic. Why, Norm and I don't even have to leave the state! Silly me, I must have misspoken.

Iconpresser_medium You're a bastard, Gary Barta.

Iconbarta_medium           Iconbarta90_medium 

Iconnorm_medium  SO LET'S TALK FRAN

Iconpresser_medium How did you choose him from such a, um, varied and complicated group of potential candidates? 

Iconnorm_medium GLAD YOU ASKED

Iconnorm_medium FRAN ACTUALLY ASKED ME ABOUT THE JOB, AND WANTED ME TO COME OUT THERE AND MEET HIM. BUT GARY OVER HERE WAS A LITTLE SHY!

Iconbarta_medium Now come on Norm, gimme a break!

Iconnorm_medium SO I GO OVER TO WHEREVER SIENA IS, AND I GO TO THEIR HOUSE, AND HIS WIFE OPENS THE DOOR

Iconnorm_medium HECK OF A LADY, THAT MARGARET MCCAFFERY

Iconmargaretmccaffery_medium (beams, and you probably already have a crush on her)

Iconnorm_medium GAVE ME A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND GAVE ME THE WHATFOR AND WHATNOT ABOUT WHY I SHOULD HIRE FRAN

Iconmargaretmccaffery_medium (from the back of the room) Because if he doesn't he's a coward-ass diabetic Stalinist!

Iconnorm_medium SOLD

Iconpresser_medium (stunned silence)

Iconnorm_medium HEY, YOU TELL HER NO

Iconnorm_medium MATTER OF FACT, I THOUGHT I WAS HIRING HER, AND THAT SHE WAS JUST TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON THE ENTIRE TIME. I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE

Iconnorm_medium YOU MEAN TELLIN' ME YOUR NAME'S FRAN?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Yep!

Iconmargaretmccaffery_medium That's my fuckin' man! YEAH!

Iconnorm_medium 'AT'LL DO

Iconnorm_medium WELP, GOTTA RUN

Iconnorm_medium ALL YOU CAN EAT HOT DOGS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK

Iconpresser_medium Really? Where?

Iconnorm_medium WHEREVER

Iconnorm_medium (leaves)

Iconbarta_medium Any questions?

Iconpresser_medium This all strikes us as dangerously irresponsible and borderline ruinous to the health of the entire athletic department. You and Norm should both probably be fired by the Regents immediately. But we have one question first.

Iconpresser_medium ...Is he up-tempo?

Iconmccaffrey_medium We're gonna run, we're gonna press, we're gonna change defenses, we're gonna disrupt opposing offenses

Iconmccaffrey_medium Some coaches are going to lock into a defense, are going to play half-court basketball. We're not going to be that way.

Iconpresser_medium YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY GO GARY GO

Iconpresser_medium GO EVERYTHING

Iconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium Iconpresser_medium  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Iconbarta_medium I think that'll be all for today. 

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