VOTE FOR PAT ANGERER OR THE JET-SKI TERRORISTS WIN

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 11:52 AM CDT in Iowa Hawkeyes News

Friends, the 2010 Name of the Year bracket has been released. Needless to say, this is the premier tournament event in the nation. Fuck March Madness*.

While we were disappointed to find out that Lucas O'Rear was cut from the field on account of his pedestrian first name, our feelings were obviously buoyed by when we noticed Pat Angerer had made the cut. So was Angerer a 1-seed? top 4? Top half of the bracket for sure, right?

(Click here for the full-sized bracket)

15 seed?! Oh, you pigfucking pigfuckers. Pigfuckerers, as Mr. Angerer would have it. But all hope is not lost, friends!

Wave Ryder is by far the weakest of the 2-seeds.
The 2nd round practically screams for Angerer against the winner of Furious Bradley and Whitney Merciles, right? It's as natural a matchup as Stalin Felipe and Hitler Makofane over in the Bulltron Region.
Go ahead, vote against Pat Angerer. See what happens. Make sure you have health insurance first.

Voting is not open yet for Angerer, sadly, but you may certainly get started in that brutal Bulltron Region, where the ceremony begins today. Lolita Respectnothing is criminally underseeded at #16, but Nohjay Nimpson might be the best name in the entire bracket. As far as our Final Four goes, X'Zavier Bloodsaw takes the Bulltron with considerable help with EDSBS, Dick Smallberries Jr. coasts through the Sithole Region, Spontaneous Gordon earns his #1 seed in the Dragonwagon Region, and whoever wins the brutal 4-5 between Flavius Killebrew and Spartacus Bernstein (our preferred choice between the two) wins the Chrotchtangle.

What say you, friends? Other than VOTE FOR ANGERER OR DIE, obviously. We cannot let our hero be defeated by some guy who's named after personal watercraft.

*This opinion has nothing to do with Iowa's abysmal, decapitated basketball program. No sir, nothing at all.

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Comments

Doesn't EVERYONE have health care now?

Fiya Minaya.

by BringBackBobby on Mar 25, 2010 11:55 AM CDT reply actions

The idiots always find a way to miss the point.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 11:57 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs

Oh, you.

I guess I’ll keep quiet.

I almost miss you.

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 25, 2010 12:23 PM CDT up reply actions

The real tragedy is

Charity Beaver being a #16 seed.

"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."

by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 25, 2010 11:57 AM CDT reply actions

I'm with you.

Charity Beaver is easily a Top 5 seed. I mean seriously, who doesn’t love free beaver?

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 25, 2010 12:32 PM CDT up reply actions

As Matt Ufford said on Twitter.

If Charity Beaver can’t get out of the first round, then no 16 seed can. Charity Beaver should waltz into the third round, but is going to be in trouble when she goes up against Spartacus Bernstein.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 12:46 PM CDT up reply actions

I don't know,

if Dr. Festus Dada is an actual doctor, then I’d think he has a UNI-like chance to get into the Sweet 16.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 2:18 PM CDT up reply actions

Actual doctor, you say?

Dr. Festus Dada

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 3:08 PM CDT up reply actions

Very nicely done, sir.

Dr. Festus B. Dada (it really is much better with the middle initial): I shall pick you to upset Charity Beaver in round two. Okay, so I guess 8 over 16 isn’t an upset, but it’s like a people’s upset or something.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 3:12 PM CDT up reply actions

Yeah, this line (in his bio) alone warrants Sudden Victory...

…“Dr. Festus Dada was born and raised in Oyo State, Nigeria.After his elementary school education at Ile Ife, he attended Christ’s School Ado-Ekiti, where he was popularly known as APUMA.”

Dude’s nickname was A-fucking-PUMA. He should just go by Dr. Panther.

[Oh, and I didn’t realize Festus was a common name in Nigeria.]

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 25, 2010 3:24 PM CDT up reply actions

I have Dr. Festus Dada taking the whole darn Crotchtangle

by PackerHawk on Mar 25, 2010 10:20 PM CDT up reply actions

There's a deleted scene in Schindler's List

where a number of prisoners stand up and declare “I am Spartacus Bernstein!” I can’t imagine why it ended up on the editing room floor.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 3:29 PM CDT up reply actions

that's racist?

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 3:39 PM CDT up reply actions

For Greeks or Jews?

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 3:43 PM CDT up reply actions

Hmmm, let's go with Jews, I guess.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 4:26 PM CDT up reply actions

Psht! Such a safe choice.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 4:37 PM CDT up reply actions

Ok, both then.

I went for the hat trick down below.

/way more sexual-sounding than I intended

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:05 PM CDT up reply actions

Through the 5 hole?

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 5:07 PM CDT up reply actions

My only comment is "ouch"

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:12 PM CDT up reply actions

This is biggeroutrage than the easy road the NCAA gave to Duke

Though, here, they screwed the pussy instead of giving it the easy road

by vahawk on Mar 25, 2010 2:40 PM CDT up reply actions

Actually...

Looking at the Chrotchtangle again, Pencilman Jeffries might get out of there as the 3-seed. That’s such an incredible name.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 12:09 PM CDT reply actions

I definitely think that the implied narrowness of Mr Jeffries is an asset

Who else is best suited to escape the Crotchtangle?

by PackerHawk on Mar 25, 2010 10:33 PM CDT up reply actions

Big Ten Solidarity

Tyquan Hammock’s a LB at MSU and also a #2 seed. Time to skew these polls, Big Ten style.

Also, I pray this isn’t the only time we see the Nohjay Nimpson tag.

The Only Colors - SBNation's Michigan State University Community

by Pete Rossman on Mar 25, 2010 12:17 PM CDT reply actions

Hey BHGP readers

We should start a campaign to get JoJo Pregont and Woody Orne in this next year.

Maybe even Karl Klug.

Brunettes not fighter jets

by rockyh on Mar 25, 2010 12:58 PM CDT reply actions

I don't know if any of them would make it onto the ballot.

If Pat Angerer and Pamela Balls-Organista can only get a 15…

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 1:05 PM CDT up reply actions

JoJo Pregont and Woody Orne are comparable to, say, Tronic Williams, Magnum Rolle, Tyquan Hammock, Romulus Marino, Syessence Davis, or Whitney Mercilus.

I don’t think this thing takes seeding too seriously. Charity Beaver is a 16 seed.

Brunettes not fighter jets

by rockyh on Mar 25, 2010 4:38 PM CDT up reply actions

Do you think they employ a bracketologist?

Johosaphat Lunesta?

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 4:43 PM CDT up reply actions

If Woody Orne has a sister...

…named Bunny H. Orne that’s got WIN written all over it.

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 26, 2010 8:50 AM CDT up reply actions

Did

Yourhighness Morgan make the bracket?
http://www.fausports.com/sports/m-footbl/mtt/morgan_yourhighness00.html

Or Yohiness Jennings?
http://www.maxpreps.com/athletes/jgJ2aF3210aBXUkBNw7LYg/football-fall-09/profile-yohiness-jennings.htm

It makes me almost physically sick.

I check cheddar like a food inspector

by SpanishJohnny on Mar 25, 2010 1:10 PM CDT reply actions

Also

HOW THE FUCK IS CHARITY BEAVER A 16 SEED? That’s amazing.

I also like X’Zavier Bloodsaw and Pepi Hamburger.

I check cheddar like a food inspector

by SpanishJohnny on Mar 25, 2010 1:13 PM CDT up reply actions

I definitely think X'Zavier Bloodsaw got a tough draw.

Nohjay Nimpson is clearly the #1 overall seed. This is similar to what most were expecting to happen in the NCAA tournament when Kansas was set to run into Ohio State.

Of all the food names, though, I’ve got to support Pizza Ashby.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 1:34 PM CDT up reply actions

My final 4

14. Cynnamon Crabb from the Bulltron

3. Dick Smallberries Jr. from the Sithole

9. Gregor Schwinghammer from the Dragonwagon

16. Charity Beaver from the Crotchtangle

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 25, 2010 1:27 PM CDT reply actions

I've said it before, and I'll say it again . . .

TYGER KUNTZ was robbed!!!!!!! Foxy Foxworth? Seriously? Tyger Kuntz eats pieces of shit like her for breakfast.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 2:13 PM CDT reply actions

Although I do wish "Oprah Meatwallet" was a real person

by Cairo on Mar 25, 2010 2:22 PM CDT up reply actions

Not a person,

it’s part of a specific person’s anatomy…

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 3:38 PM CDT up reply actions

She eats pieces of shit for breakfast?

by Mogwai on Mar 25, 2010 6:49 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions

How did it take six and a half hours before this comment was made?

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 8:51 PM CDT up reply actions

Thought about it...

…passed it up.

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 26, 2010 8:40 AM CDT up reply actions

Would it be better if you new Foxy Foxworth was a guy?

Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian

by fliphawk4 on Mar 25, 2010 7:00 PM CDT up reply actions

I would +1 this post...

…but I get a sneaking suspicion that it’s completely made up. I can’t wrap my head around such a tournament. This seriously cannot be real. It’s unreal. Really.

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 25, 2010 3:29 PM CDT reply actions

Real and fully vetted.

Last year’s winner was Barkevious Mingo, now a freshman defensive end at LSU. All the names in the NOTY’s post are linked to their sources.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 3:33 PM CDT up reply actions

Barkevious Mingo actually won?!?

There are like seven Barkevious’ in my daughter’s preschool class. Boooooring.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 3:38 PM CDT up reply actions

EDSBS backed Barkevious and helped push him thru to the title.

I am shocked, however, to hear that your daughter knows mutliple Barkevious-es. I imagine their names are a direct result of Mingo’s run in last year’s NOTY tournament.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 3:48 PM CDT up reply actions

Math

I’d venture that kids in preschool this year were already named Barkevious when Mingo’s run happened last year, given preschool is for 3-5ish year old kids.

/pedantic’ed

by benvious on Mar 25, 2010 4:31 PM CDT up reply actions

Legal name changes.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 4:32 PM CDT up reply actions

Or, better yet,

Illegal name changes.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 4:32 PM CDT up reply actions

We DO live in a neighborhood comprised largely of immigrants...

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 4:37 PM CDT up reply actions

That's racist

I’m just going to follow you around this thread accusing you of racism. I’m like the Bill Donahue of BHGP.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:00 PM CDT up reply actions

You should head over to TOC:

I’ve been railing against Eskimos all day.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 5:04 PM CDT up reply actions

Well that I can understand.

I only need ONE word for snow. Bastards.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:06 PM CDT up reply actions

Dave Attell once refered to Eskimos

as “Snow Mexicans”. That doesn’t seem fair; I can’t imagine craving Eskimo food when I’m drunk.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 5:09 PM CDT up reply actions

Maybe not, but

I’ve just decided to invent “baby seal tacos”. Or maybe a “polar bear chalupa”. Mmmmmm.

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:16 PM CDT up reply actions

Blubber Burgers?

Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian

by fliphawk4 on Mar 25, 2010 7:02 PM CDT up reply actions

Arctic Tern-overs

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 7:11 PM CDT up reply actions

Eskimo Pies?

Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian

by fliphawk4 on Mar 25, 2010 7:13 PM CDT up reply actions

Aw, c'mon!

You might as well have said “snow cones.” Negative 5 points for you!

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 7:17 PM CDT up reply actions

I'm sorry.

I knew it was too easy, but could’nt pass it up. It just kept taunting me.

Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian

by fliphawk4 on Mar 26, 2010 10:13 AM CDT up reply actions

Absolutely.

Possibly due to losing bets. As in, no way Barkevious wins the tournament! If he wins I’ll rename my firstborn that.

It never gets to be easy

by chitownhawkeye on Mar 25, 2010 4:55 PM CDT up reply actions

If Starzanne Stripes is single

I cannot see how Ricky Stanzi does not start courting her yesterday.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 3:46 PM CDT reply actions

Starzanne Stipes, actually.

There is no “r” in the last name, which is what makes it great. Everyone knows what the parents were shooting for, and yet the lack of that “r” somehow makes it better.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 3:50 PM CDT up reply actions

All the more reason

to pursue wedded bliss with Ricky. Since her name isn’t actually “Stripes”, “Stanzi” would be infinitely more patriotic.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 4:04 PM CDT up reply actions

Starzanne Stanzi

THE All-American First Lady

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 25, 2010 4:21 PM CDT up reply actions

Now that I'd not considered.

Starzanne Stanzi is definitely the ultimate in patriotic lady names.

by The Mexican't on Mar 25, 2010 4:31 PM CDT up reply actions

That would be fantastic... but I think this lady would beg to differ.

"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"

by RossWB on Mar 25, 2010 4:43 PM CDT up reply actions

Her last name

makes me think of South America…or jNW. Neither is acceptable.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 4:46 PM CDT up reply actions

But if she marries Stanzi

then what? It’s plenty acceptable then

It never gets to be easy

by chitownhawkeye on Mar 25, 2010 4:57 PM CDT up reply actions

"America Stanzi" is a little redundant, don't you think?

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:00 PM CDT up reply actions

Youre mom is redunded

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 25, 2010 5:11 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs

Rambler?

is that you?

by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 25, 2010 5:14 PM CDT up reply actions

YES!

I finally have a reputation here.

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 25, 2010 5:29 PM CDT up reply actions

I should remind you

that Qaddafi, Lorena Bobbit and Carrot Top also have a reputations.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 5:39 PM CDT up reply actions

That's Colonel Ghadaffi to you.

Or maybe it’s Gadaffi. Whatever. Screw that guy, if he’s so great, why is still a colonel.

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 25, 2010 5:50 PM CDT up reply actions

The man has an ear for language.

Where’s the alliteration with “General Qaddafi” or “President Qaddafi”? Now “Major Muammar” would go down with General “Stonewall” Jackson, Sergeant Slaughter and Admiral Ackbar as one of the all-time great military names to say.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 25, 2010 6:26 PM CDT up reply actions