MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: PAKISTANZI RISING, THE FINALE
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 23, 2010 3:15 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Game Threads
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PrintFor those of you just tuning in, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3
When we last left the story...
Now it's time to find out who you are...
/removes mask
PAKI O'MEARA!
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snoopy kids!
GOOD ONE SHAGGY
Just a second, Amewicans! You fowgot about someone! Say herro to my rittle fwiend!
BRAKAKAKAKAKAK
------------------------------------------------------
Oh no I have been kirred.
Somebody call for backup?
Leman? But Ricky told me you quit.
I did. I quit. And I'm not proud to admit it. But when you quit Freedom Squad, you quit America. I can't do that. Not to this country.
Plus, these chicks are pretty hot.
Come on, let's get you ladies out of here.
Hooray!
Let's go home, Ace.
ARF
Come on, Ricky.
Ricky?
Oh God, J, over there.
Ricky's down.
Looks like this was a one-way trip, boys.
Don't talk like that, Ricky. You stay with me now, you hear me? STAY WITH ME!
/licks Ricky's face
/sings America the Beautiful
Just do me a favor, AC. Take care of that dog. Take care of those girls. Take care of the USA.
Remember, everyday, that there's nothing better than being an American.
Don't do this, Ricky. Stay here. STAY HERE RICKY NOOOOOO!
Feels...so...cold...
Ricky?
Ricky?
/slowly opens eyes
Where...where am I?
Is this heaven?
No, it's Iowa...City.
LOL
LOL
We are Korean and 18 years old and like football, so we do not get your joke.
We thought we lost you there for a while. But Hot Cop gave you CPR, and we got you stabilized enough to fly back to the States.
Where did Hot Cop come from?
We promised that guy in the comment thread in part 2 she would show up, and this thing is about over. So she, uh, climbed through that open window into the basement of that North Korean prison that was protected by only one guard. Yeah, that's what happened.
That doesn't make any...
Wait, PAKISTANZI! Where is he? Tell me you have him in lockup.
Well...
Um...
ARF...
We were caring for you, and then Hot Cop came in the window, and I mean just look at her, and we got distracted, and PAKISTANZI sort of...got away.
HE GOT AWAOOOOW THAT HURTS
Don't worry. The manhunt is on. We know he's back in the USA. Freedom Squad thinks he's holed up in Pennsylvania. Just as soon as you're healthy, we'll get him.
Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania...
I want him DEAD! I want his friends DEAD! I want REVENGE! And only you can help me get it! Join me, Joe Paterno, and help me dis...
MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE THANK YOU I DO NOT WORK WITH DIRTY IRISH
Ricky Stanzi automatically qualifies for Round 3 as a result of saving his opponents from a gulag (MARCHIFORNICATION Rule 18.1(c))
46 comments
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I knew Jay Leman would come through
_ They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!-John Blutosky Animal House)
by John Hartlieb is stiil a stud! on Mar 23, 2010 3:27 PM CDT reply actions
That's J, as in the letter
He’s too cool for superfluous letters to be added.
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 23, 2010 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions
I believe...
That you mean too patriotic. Too American.
Actually, it stands for "Jeremy Roenick".
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 24, 2010 9:40 AM CDT up reply actions
I thought it
stood for JUICED.
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Just wanted to thank you guys
for breaking the internet.
I’d like to think it was Joe Paterno’s computer illiteracy/phobia/fear of dwarves that prevented the original post from working.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
When Ace sang America the Beautiful...
I heard Ray Charles’ voice. It was beautiful.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
So long as it isn't for elected office...
…I gladly turn all votes over to J Leman and AmeriStanzi. They always make the American choice.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 23, 2010 3:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Are you saying you are giving up your American right to vote?
Stanzi does not approve of this…
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 23, 2010 3:55 PM CDT up reply actions
No...
…thanks to the work of Freedom Squad I will always have a “right” to vote. I’m just saying I don’t think I would need my vote if Freedom Squad is already making the “American choice.”
Imagine that soup is the right answer to a given question/situation, and soup is up against peanuts. The person in charge of the vote is my old skateboarding pal Toothless John (yes, this is a real person who actually knocked the majority of teeth out of his mouth over the course of TWO pretty fucked up skateboarding accidents- – I digress).
Now I could take the time to get involved, and go to the voting place, and hang out, (etc.) and then finally put my name behind soup. OR I could just call up Toothless John and say “Hey, since you’re there, will you put my vote in too?”
It’s beautiful because I don’t even have to tell him what my vote is. I know there is NO WAY he is voting for peanuts. Toothless John HATES peanuts… because he’s FUCKING TOOTHLESS.
So no, I reject your premise that I’m somehow giving up freedom or giving away my rights, because I know Ricky and J will always do what’s right for America (vote soup).
[And I did say “so long as it isn’t for elected office”- – J was proud of his mullet, so I have a feeling we may have some other important differences.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 23, 2010 4:15 PM CDT up reply actions
Wonderful Analogy!
You, sir… made your point very nicely. I applaud you.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 23, 2010 6:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Hey, Stanzi and Leman may be American, but MARCHIFORNICATION has rules, son.
You got a problem? I suggest you take it up with Commissioner doodoopoop.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 23, 2010 4:41 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
/Orson Welles clapping gif'd
By the way, I don’t think it’s nice to make fun of Paki for being Irish. I mean he already has to live with being a pale, freckled ginger who’s ashamed to shower in front of his team mates due to the “Irish curse” if you know what I….
…..
……
……..
…Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see what you did there. O’Meara isn’t Irish? Oh you guys.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 23, 2010 3:44 PM CDT reply actions
Ace sings! That is SO...
…WIN! By the way, I’m happy that Captain America, JoePa and Sexy Cop could drop in. It’s like the author was reading through threads from previous parts of this story and putting together a wishlist and then just made it all kind of fit. It’s like all of our wildest dreams came true.
So…
…Adam Jacobi is either Santa Claus or Pedro The Politician. Hmmm.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 23, 2010 3:52 PM CDT reply actions
I'm just glad Stanzi didn't die...
…and then at the end it turned out he was showering with Patrick Duffy.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 23, 2010 3:58 PM CDT up reply actions
"Is this heaven"
I’m not convinced that waking up to see Mr. Freedom (J Leman), Ace, Clayborn, Girls Generation and Hot Cop looking down at you isn’t heaven. Seems like paradise to me.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Something tells
me that PAKISTANZI is going to be trouble. Especially now that he’s joined forces with MR. PATERNO! What will happen?
Join in next week, same Stanzi-time, same Stanzi-channel!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Mr. Paterno
is just fine on his own. He already said he wouldn’t work with Paki, plus he has tralalala man working with him.
That guy scares me.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 23, 2010 4:29 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm a little suprised...
Tyler M.F. Sash didn’t intercept Stanzi’s pass in the last segment, but I guess if that happened time and space would implode.
+10000 cocktails to you, gentlemen...
….For putting SexyCop in at my request. But to collect you have to come to Texas and explain to my boss why I lost my military bearing in a [very boring] staff meeting by my involuntary outburst of “It’s J Leman!!!”
You guys rule.
I was sincerely hoping that there would be some redemption for PAKISTANZI
He’s a Hawkeye, and being a Hawkeye is pretty much identical to being an American (that is to say being awesome).
Brunettes not fighter jets
I agree
He doesn’t deserve the crap he gets from fans. But this was still hilarious.
How about a sequel? “The Redemption of Pakistanzi”?
by HeartOfHawkness on Mar 23, 2010 5:18 PM CDT up reply actions
Redemption? I see no redemption for Paki...
I see only nuclear annihilation when he returns:
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
If this was a Hollywood action movie
then the whole thing would turn out to be a double-cross to set up JoePa, even though after it was revealed the characters’ past actions would make no sense whatsoever. Thankfully, BHGP has higher standards than that.
by Brock Sampson on Mar 23, 2010 8:38 PM CDT up reply actions
Maybe there is some sort of Manchurian Candidate thing going on.
Some sort of evil brainwashing going on by Jo-Pa.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
Tell that to MacMillan...
or McMillan (whichever one is from Canada). He better get his American citizenship because “North American Union #1” just doesn’t work for me.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 24, 2010 8:02 AM CDT up reply actions
I was totally prepared to vote for Girl's Generation, but
they didn’t get the Field of Dreams joke?!!??! Ace is just a puppy, but he got it. Ace is a true American, indeed. He should be Stanzi/Leman’s Minister of Culture or something.
by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 23, 2010 5:30 PM CDT reply actions
Once of these days...
…a Joe Paterno sighting on BHGP will not make me laugh.
Today is not that day. :)
I fear for that day
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 23, 2010 7:17 PM CDT up reply actions
Paki + Mr. Paterno =
THE INTERNET WILL NOT BE FINE THANK YOU!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 23, 2010 8:42 PM CDT up reply actions
I Kept Waiting
For Brent Metcalf to step in and set this shit straight with a Brent Metcalf missile delivered from a Brent Metcalf fighter jet courtesy of the United States of Brent Metcalf.
Brent Metcalf should be the American flag.
by Ornery Woody on Mar 23, 2010 11:33 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
"Brent Metcalf should be the American flag."
+1 to you Sir. That is a beautiful specimen of the english language.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 24, 2010 8:18 AM CDT up reply actions
Oops, HS...
you’ve finally made me cough up my drink. It’s taken a long, long time. But this officially did it. Congrats.
Also, count me as another hoping Metcalf will make an appearance eventually. As well as JoePa’s secretary.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 23, 2010 11:51 PM CDT reply actions
I assume you mean
actually having liquid in your mouth while reading the site’s content. Otherwise, I suspect there are more than a handful of people here who haven’t been drinking when they post.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 24, 2010 8:01 AM CDT up reply actions
Exactly.
During the periods when my eyes are moving left to right across BHGP words and my brain is trying to make sense of said words, I try not to have fluids in my mouth.
Brunettes not fighter jets
Fluids in your mouth?
Precious bodily fluids? P.O.E.? Purity of Essence…ever seen a Commie drink water?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 24, 2010 2:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Them damn commies
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don’t think I do, sir, no.
General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Mar 24, 2010 4:54 PM CDT up reply actions
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