MARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 1: HOCKEYBEAR vs. THE GADSDEN PURCHASE
by Hawkeye State on Mar 2, 2010 12:01 PM CST
in Events
169 comments
BOB ZOOK REGIONAL
SEED #1: HOCKEYBEAR
Tournament bid: Automatic (Galactic Destruction Set to 80's Music Conference Champion)
PROS:
- Appeared from a fucking supernova.
- Has the ability to create hockey sticks through sheer mind power.
- Can navigate wormholes.
- Blew the moon the fuck up.
- Fucking obliterated Anchorage, Alaska.
- Later, was awakened from its bed deep in the Bering Sea by a Russian boat, which it proceeded to fucking slash with said mindhockeystick. Because fuck communism.
- Flew an F-14 Tomcat fighter jet into the upper midwest, fucking annihilating Columbus, South Bend, East Lansing and/or Miami (depending on the version you're watching).
- Somehow found a nearby volcano. Dropped a bomb in it.
- Blew Earth the fuck up. Took the moon out a second time.
- Despite having his jet disintegrate in a wormhole, flew himself to the Carlson Center, generated another mindhockeystick, and set the net afire.
- Didn't take the time to single out St. Paul or Madison in his jet-fueled wave of mutilation.
- Broke the cardinal rule of fighter jet warfare by leaving his wingmen to fend for themselves in the post-apocalyptic cloud that was Earth.
- Probably can see Russia from his front porch.
#8 SEED: THE GADSDEN PURCHASE
Tournament Bid: At-Large (podcast inside joke)
PROS:
- Lawless desert frontier, where legal currency is optional but sidearms are required.
- Once owned by Steve Gadsden.
- Contains the Grand Canyon
- May not contain the Grand Canyon.
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No polls on this one?
I’m guessing Hockeybear wins by the sheer destruction of earth?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
I'm pretty sure this was just for show
Hockeybear actually gets a bye all the way to the championship round.
by Happy Hour Valley on Mar 2, 2010 12:07 PM CST up reply actions
I say keep it this way.
Gets rid of all the contrarians who will vote the other way "’cause Hockeybear was going to win anyway.
This way, you’re saving them from the destruction brought upon that Russian boat crew.
Eh, screw ’em. Let the commies eat electric mindhockeystick.
While you're at it, it was an F-16 not an F-14.
There is a big difference. F-16s are piloted by awesome bears, while F-14s are piloted by men too cowardly to admit their sexuality.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 12:13 PM CST up reply actions
Goose would like to speak with you from the afterlife.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 12:19 PM CST up reply actions
Good point. Didn't thikn about that.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 1:00 PM CST up reply actions
HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR! HOCKEYBEAR!
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
Never trust anyone who votes against Stanzi
I’m going oppositesies.
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 2, 2010 12:20 PM CST up reply actions
I bet you voted for Trotsky.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 12:31 PM CST up reply actions
Well
If there had been an election pitting Trotsky vs Lenin, don’t you think that would be the way to go? Sometimes you just gotta go with teh lesser of two evils.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
About equal, but Trotsky was funny looking.
Hahaha. I vote for people who make me laugh.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 12:39 PM CST up reply actions
AKA, "The Belly Button Tickler"
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 2:08 PM CST up reply actions
I wonder what
that stache ride would be like.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:07 PM CST up reply actions
It's like Lenin said:
You look for the guy who’ll benefit….um…..
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 2, 2010 12:37 PM CST up reply actions
I am the walrus.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Hawkeye State on Mar 2, 2010 2:20 PM CST up reply actions
V.I. LENIN!!! VLADIMIR ILYICH ULYANOV!!!
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 2, 2010 3:28 PM CST up reply actions
I'd say we're all out of our element.
But in doing so I’d probably be out of my element.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 2, 2010 4:12 PM CST up reply actions
8 year olds, dude. 8 year olds.
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Mar 2, 2010 4:26 PM CST up reply actions
What the fuck is he talking about, dude?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:09 PM CST up reply actions
I think Steve Alford is in the Gadsden purchase so
Go HockeyBear 2010
by ChryslerKinnick on Mar 2, 2010 12:50 PM CST reply actions
Sadly, no, he's not.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 12:58 PM CST up reply actions
He's in New Mexico.
Which was part of Mexico….which sold New Mexico….which means Steve Alford is in the Gadsden Purchase.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 12:59 PM CST up reply actions
Albuquerque is nowhere near the area included in The Gadsen Purchase.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 1:08 PM CST up reply actions
Your mom is nowhere the area included in the Gadsden Purchase.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 2:19 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah, well, your mom...
god, i was never any good at these.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 2:33 PM CST up reply actions
Wait, wait, wait...
there’s a NEW Mexico?
"You're going to go out there with a dick full of confidence. Then, you're going to go out there and shoot that confidence all over the stadium." -Blue Mountain State
technically, yes
but it’s really not any different from the old Mexico. It’s still a barren wasteland with bad water. And it makes the drive from Texas to Arizona a hell of a lot longer.
On the other hand, they do have [name redacted] head coach who curses opposing players!
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 2, 2010 4:19 PM CST up reply actions
It certainly does make that drive from Texas to Arizona...
seem like an eternity. A dusty, poverty-stricken eternity.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 3, 2010 10:48 PM CST up reply actions
I voted for the Gadsden Purchase
Because although Hockeybear is awesome, what has he done to help resolve border disputes over the Mesilla valley?
How can you build a transcontinental railroad if the Earth is blown up?
These are the questions that Hockeybear has not answered.
Brunettes not fighter jets
You want a response from HOCKEYBEAR?
This is HOCKEYBEAR’s response:
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
In case you haven't noticed...
HB hasn’t blown up Iowa City yet. Let’s keep it that way by not instigating anything.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 2, 2010 3:25 PM CST up reply actions
I seem to remember...
from my days in Iowa City that Melrose Ave is a Nuclear Free Zone. Or has that sign been taken down since?
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 2, 2010 3:48 PM CST up reply actions
This is my first attempt to link a photo, but here goes.
This is the sign I remember seeing.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 2, 2010 3:50 PM CST up reply actions
image hosted by tripod...
I hope its this tripod!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSqFqhUzutg
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Mar 2, 2010 4:29 PM CST up reply actions
I don't remember seeing one on Melrose, but I seem to remember one on Dodge.
During one of the tornado scares (‘04 or ’05?) my roommate decided the bad weather and empty roads was the perfect time to take that sign. Little did he know, the sign by Bob’s Your Uncle was nearly impossible to steal. He did, however, take the same sign that was located at the corner of Hwy 6 and Mormon Trek (on the Iowa City side, near the McDonald’s). He couldn’t take the sign off the post, so he merely cut the post at knee height and threw the whole thing in his truck. Still not sure how he managed to get it home.
by The Mexican't on Mar 2, 2010 4:29 PM CST up reply actions
I remember the sign by Bob's Your Uncle
and laughed every time I passed by it.
Why was it nearly impossible to steal?
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 2, 2010 4:48 PM CST up reply actions
I don't know if there was too much traffic coming off the interstate
or if people were at the gym down the hill. I just remember he went there first and told me he couldn’t get it so he had to go out to Hwy 6, instead.
I didn’t make the trip with him, so the details are a lil hazy.
by The Mexican't on Mar 2, 2010 5:27 PM CST up reply actions
I have been against HockeyBear from the very start
See my rambling incoherent drunk post in the very first HockeyBear thread for evidence. I am not about to back down now. Unlike the rest of you fools, I will not be intimidated by interstellar travel and the ability to blow up a planet. The Death Star could do both those things too, and just look how it ended up.
True
The power to destroy a planet is inconsequential to the power of a good Twitter feed but the millions of people formerly from Alderan feel Hockeybears skills are pretty f’ing impressive.
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good mind powered hockey stick at your side.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 2, 2010 1:38 PM CST up reply actions
I vaguely remembered this, so looked it back up for posterity
Here it is in all its glory, one of the few green comments I’ve seen over here. My favorite bit: ‘no asshole, roar is not an answer.’
I don’t understand why I am supposed to cheer for this bear?
He blew up most of the galaxy, probably fucked up someone’s DirecTV service by blowing up that satellite, causingthem to a miss an important football game, and the destroyed the moon (which can’t be a good thing for Earth. I assume at the very least the tides get all fucked up, and at most large chucks of it start falling towards earth and cause Armegeddon, which was a really bad movie). And that was just while he was still in space! Once he landed, he flattened a city and killed millions (I assume it was a rival city but still!), trampled the beautiful Alaskan wilderness, and then fucked up the home stadium and ice of the team he ostensibly cheers for.
Plus, he clearly understands the secrets of interstellar travel, but refuses to share them. How the fuck am I supposed to visit Degobah and party with Yoda if he doesn’t tell me how? No, asshole, "roar" is not an answer!
Basically what I’m saying is that this bear is a dick, and I hate him. Even if he does spontaneously generate awesome music.
by NorseHawk on Oct 1, 2009 4:35 PM EDT reply actions 4 recs
/hopes to avoid getting hit by large chucks of the moon
"We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that." -- take a guess
And still a beautiful refusal to accept Hockeybear.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 2:39 PM CST up reply actions
Agreed
Remember the old teenage axiom ‘your true self comes out when you’re drunk?’ That post confirms Norsehawk’s purity. Well, at least his Hate’s purity. Or his secret wish to party with Yoda. Maybe it doesn’t confirm anything, but he still managed to accurately drop ‘ostensibly.’
"We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that." -- take a guess
So Your Compaint Is
HockeyBear gets pissed, then goes out and wrecks shit without regard to the consequences.
Sounds pretty All-American to me.
I think somebody just got a new running mate.
Stanzi / HockeyBear – 2012
In 100 years, we'll all be dead.
Right on, brother.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 9:17 PM CST up reply actions
I believe HockeyBear is in line of Sec. of Defense
Ankles! We don't need no stinking ankles!
by three and out the kok story on Mar 3, 2010 10:14 AM CST up reply actions
Actually
Sec. of War.
Goaltender Ryan Miller of Team USA is up for Sec. of Defense.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2010 10:16 AM CST up reply actions
Der, NorseHawk, HOCKEYBEAR has no thermal exhaust ports like the Death Star did.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 2:10 PM CST up reply actions
Actually, that energy is reprocessed into that paw-lightning
he uses to make that laser hockey stick. Waste not, want not, doncha’ know.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 2:21 PM CST up reply actions
Which just goes to show that hockeybear does believe in conservation
He just has a slightly different motto…
Reuse, Recycle, Blow the fuck up
Ankles! We don't need no stinking ankles!
by three and out the kok story on Mar 2, 2010 2:34 PM CST up reply actions
Are you suggesting someone fires a proton torpedo up his butt?
Because that is just disgusting. Maybe Oops Pow Surprise could get away with saying something like that, but not a serious and important writer like Adam Jacobi.
HOCKEYBEAR is charged up enough as it is.
Proton +1. (ba-dum CHING)
"Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad." - The Waco Kid
Good to see some folks understand the nucleus of a good joke.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 5:15 PM CST up reply actions
Two hydrogen atoms are talking,
first one says “I lost my electron”
second asks “you sure”
first one “I’m positive”
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 3, 2010 1:56 PM CST up reply actions
He doesn't fart.
His “flatulence” creates galactic zamboni destruction machines.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 2, 2010 3:26 PM CST up reply actions
If Hockey Bear = Death Star
Gadsden Purchase = Tatooine.
Lawless desert, everyone has a gun, native americans = sand people, etc. The parallels are numerous… even if the Nanooks kill aunt Beru and uncle Owen, someone will rise to blow the Death Hockey Bear Star to shit.
Brunettes not fighter jets
My screen name
was nearly “Paul Kujawas vs. Sandpeople” but I thought it would be too obscure gaddamned nerdy.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:13 PM CST up reply actions
I would have accused you of trying to sell me an R2 unit with a bad motivator.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 10:02 PM CST up reply actions
What does an R2 unit have to do
with this.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:31 PM CST up reply actions
or this
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:32 PM CST up reply actions
My god, I won't sleep for a week...
…that “smile” scares the bejeepers out of me. But I must say the people at Madame Trousseau’s do great work.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 2:43 PM CST up reply actions
Because I am an American...
I voted for “The Gadsen Purchase”. It was part of what made this country great (loveitorleaveit!!)… Voting against the Gadsen Purchase is voting against Stanzi…
Besides….fucking hockey fucking sucks
Hawks....yup, I like 'em
Actually
“fucking hockey” sounds entertaining, if not slightly uncomfortable/dangerous.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:14 PM CST up reply actions
Would add new meaning to "the box."
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 10:03 PM CST up reply actions
Or
“five minute major”
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 11:02 PM CST up reply actions
or
“hat trick”
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 3, 2010 12:21 AM CST up reply actions
well, not really I guess
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 3, 2010 12:22 AM CST up reply actions
Zamboni is a little too obvious, no?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2010 3:08 AM CST up reply actions
"Power play?"
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2010 6:56 AM CST up reply actions
"Gives him the business!"
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 8:32 AM CST up reply actions
or
“High sticking”
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2010 10:18 AM CST up reply actions
The "active stick" of the Red Wings really makes it hard to score.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 8:33 AM CST up reply actions
Hockey doesn't suck.
People who think hockey sucks suck.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 8:34 AM CST up reply actions
Well...well...
People who think that people who think hockey sucks suck.
by The Mexican't on Mar 3, 2010 10:31 AM CST up reply actions
Your mom.
She sucks.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 10:59 AM CST up reply actions
So you're saying America sucks?
I believe this is evidence that you must Leave It.
I remember this one thing that happened in 1980 that made Al Michaels all excited...
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 12:45 PM CST up reply actions
A paternity test that came back negative?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2010 12:54 PM CST up reply actions
Well, that too, but that wasn't what I meant per say.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 12:56 PM CST up reply actions
"You're excited? Feel these nipples!"
Wait, that wasn’t 1980. Oh, and Al was on the receiving end of that comment. Hmmm. Who was that? I feel like I just saw him during the Olympics trying to be all “professional” and stuff. Weird.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 2:45 PM CST up reply actions
Maybe America sucks and he loves America for it.
Does he still have to leave it?
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Mar 3, 2010 3:39 PM CST up reply actions
America Ferrara?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2010 3:57 PM CST up reply actions
Okay, a few clarifications...
Back in the initial Marchifornication post, I proclaimed my residence as being in the Gadsden Purchase area. I’m about 17-20 miles off, and therefore out. Nor is the Canyon in it. That’s way north. So now, several pros and cons to consider…
For Gadsden:
-Hockeybear fireball too close to home
-Don’t want to live too close to the border, and if you have ever crossed the border at Nogales, you can understand why
-UofA and fellow alum Mike Stoops wiped out, as well as Lute in retirement
-If UofA gets wiped out, ASU becomes even more insufferable
-Two major Air Force Bases and giant bombing range in the Purchase area
Against Gadsden:
-Forget the alums, Tucson gets wiped out.
-Hawks avoid tricky non-conference game this fall
-Utter futility
Decision—Voting Gadsden. One bear and wingmen, even if technically American, no match for the fine young men and women of Davis-Monthan AFB and the the even larger (with lots of classified stuff)base down in Sierra Vista, with lots of planes. USA—love it or leave it, baby!!
So I wanted to be all clever and hur hur hur,
…create a Twitter account under the name GADSDENPURCHASE, but some fucking asshole already took it (soemone with no tweets, too. Dick.).
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
I got 5 on it
being either HS or Mr. Jacobi.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 2:37 PM CST up reply actions
Nope
it’s the real account of DJK.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:15 PM CST up reply actions
I tried to create a hockeybear account but it was taken.
They better put it to good use.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 2:57 PM CST up reply actions
I live just north of the Gadsen Purchase border
therefore, if the purchase had not been made, I would still be living in America, so Stanzi would still approve of me.
HockeyBear FTW
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 2, 2010 2:58 PM CST reply actions
Hockeybear has my vote
Just for destroying Columbus, Ohio.
Thank you, Hockeybear. You are my savior.
J and Ricky agree.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 2, 2010 3:27 PM CST up reply actions
J Leman fights to defend all of America
Maybe he doesn’t like how those perverse bastards in Columbus live their lives, but dammit, he will fight to the death to defend their right to do so.
This was my single biggest reason for voting Hockey Bear 2010.
That and he’s fucking awesome. Stanzi is gonna have a battle on his hands.
Fuck tOSU
Can HOCKEYBEAR destroy Ed Hightower?
Or at least banish him to Latvian intramural leagues?
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 10:12 PM CST up reply actions
Sadly
I think Hockeybear will just respect the the random destruction that Ed causes.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 2, 2010 11:06 PM CST up reply actions
Hightower has been under the impression that he's reffing the Latvian intramural leagues...
…for about 15 years now. [That or he thinks he’s the ref in a Latvian Buffalo Wild WIngs commercial.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 2:48 PM CST up reply actions
I voted for Gadsden Purchase.
Hockeybear has issues with megalomania which I find off-putting
The Gadsden Purchase signifies one of the funniest podcasts I’ve heard in a long time, and also has the benefit of providing a southern access to transcontinental rail.
At $10 million, its purchase was within easy reach of winners of American Family Publishers grand prize in the ’80s.
Ed McMahon
sent me several letters informing me that I, indeed, had won the Grand Prize. Yet, to this day, I have not received my checks.
Bastard
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 2, 2010 3:59 PM CST up reply actions
You too?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 2, 2010 4:02 PM CST up reply actions
Wait
You mean more people than myself “won” that thing? What a scam!
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 2, 2010 4:50 PM CST up reply actions
Not megalomania, just nihilism...
…I once dabbled in pacifism (not in Nam of course)… actually I still do, so I don’t want the Great HB to destroy my ass.
HB FTW!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 2, 2010 4:21 PM CST up reply actions
Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism... at least it's an ethos
Brunettes not fighter jets
HOCKEYBEAR can't have megalomania.
HE’S A BEAR.
He is only capable (mentally) of wanting to eat caribou.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 5:19 PM CST up reply actions
And baby seals. Polar bears love that shit, man.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 5:27 PM CST up reply actions
Which reminds me of a joke
So a baby seal walks into a club…
by The Mexican't on Mar 2, 2010 5:28 PM CST up reply actions
Tell me more.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 7:35 PM CST up reply actions
That's technically
suicide.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 9:16 PM CST up reply actions
sealicide?
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 2, 2010 10:04 PM CST up reply actions
sui-hide
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:22 PM CST up reply actions
And blowing up South Bend
Columbus, East Lansing and Miami. I think we can all agree that’s admirable work. He has a two track mind, but that’s a great second track.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 2, 2010 6:12 PM CST up reply actions
FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING HOCKEY-FUCKING-BEAR...
…FOR THE FUCKING WIN YOU FUCKING FUCKERS!
Fuck.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 2, 2010 4:22 PM CST reply actions
Now see what happens???
This fine young individual was attempting to tell us how much he liked sports and wildlife when he was exposed to excessive visual and aural stimuli and incited into a condition of temporary giles de tourette’s syndrome. This sad reaction is, as can be seen in other commentary, the unfortunate result of popular sports culture’s ever-increasing attempts to make grandiose Class D sports teams. To see what you can do to help prevent nuclear bear induced giles de tourette’s syndrome, as well as save the very Earth we live in, dial 1-800-GAD-SDEN.
The fucking "de" makes it sound french...
…I just have regular fucking tourettes like a real fucking American.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 2:52 PM CST up reply actions
A vote for Hockey Bear is a vote for Chuck Norris
Hockey Bear doesn’t have the requisite “lack of self-awareness” to be a meme much less a #1 seed. Half of the links I get emailed daily would qualify. I get it, but Gadsen Purchase is funnier than random link.
by Missing Brad Banks on Mar 2, 2010 7:37 PM CST reply actions
"Took the moon out a second time."
I’d just like to reiterate this.
by With Ferentz Like These... on Mar 2, 2010 8:27 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
+1
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 9:18 PM CST up reply actions
Am I the only one worried here?
It looks like hockeybear was frozen in some sort of suspended animation before being woken. Where did he come from? What else is frozen down there? Baseballbear and footballbear? Some terrifying menagerie of destructive sports themed animals like bowlingcobra or …umm… curlingmarmot?
We need to be aware of this threat!
It never gets to be easy
BADMINTONHONEYBADGER
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 9:22 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
This is simple.
Hockeybear took out the moon…twice. Yet I still look out that window and, oh shit! There’s the moon! Hockeybear blew up the Earth. Wait, where am I writing this from? Um, hello? Clearly Hockeybear want us to believe he’s a real baddass, but really it’s a desperate attempt to help us forget these years of his life. Awww, you’re a corporate shill and a pussy.
The Gadsden Purchase was on my map a minute ago and, hold on, let me check again…yup, STILL FUCKING THERE! In fact, it looks like it’s been there a whole Hell of a long time. It’s going to be there after Hockeybear’s University of Phoenix graphic design degree has him “blowing up” everything from Berwyn (Berrrrwyn!), IL to Narnia. Oh, and another thing; who’s paying for Hockeybear’s exploits? I don’t know, maybe it you, the American taxpayer. Who paying for the Gadsden Purchase? That’s right, nobody! It’s paid for by James “Deadeye” Gadsden himself.
So go on and vote for Hockeybear, you easily amused, instant gratification lemmings. When I’m INSIDE of the Gadsden purchase next fall watching Iowa kick the bejezus out of Arizona, I’ll thank God that I can see through the empty rhetoric of one Hockeybear (real name Milton Nanook).
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
You, sir, are silly.
Has it ever occurred to you that HOCKEYBEAR is using these ridiculously awesome videos (and that is a fact, I heard Adrian Clayborn held the camera for him) as a warning? And before you say “blind faith”, I remind you that HOCKEYBEAR uses Kenny Loggins music. Unironically. And it was awesome.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 10:00 PM CST up reply actions
I'm glad you mentioned Kenny Loggins,
it’s no coincidence the only song he wrote about a bear was this one. “Everyone knows I’m a fraud, oh, bother!”
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:21 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, and the Coca Cola bears are Polar bears.
HOCKEYBEAR is an albino Grizzly-Manatee mix or something.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 10:02 PM CST up reply actions
Fear the Sea Cow!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 11:02 PM CST up reply actions
HOCKEYBEAR can fly a fighter jet.
Your argument is invalid.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
So can
these guys. Hooray! Captain Lone Star and Cousin Eddie Johnson are also up to the challenge of bringing Ricky Stanzi down…Fascists.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:25 PM CST up reply actions
I almost forgot just how bad that movie was.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2010 10:29 PM CST up reply actions
Essentially
it was a combination of the two films referenced just after its mention.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:36 PM CST up reply actions
Please remember this, this 4th of July...
…when the director and producer team up for another shitty explosion-fest.
[Seriously, run down the list of shitty films attributed to either Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich with the help of someone like Jerry Bruckheimer- – except Kangaroo Jack, which was excellent.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 3:09 PM CST up reply actions
Hey now...
Let’s not make this into a HOCKEYBEAR vs. Stanzi debate yet.
Can the Gadsen Purchase fly a fighter jet? No. Can it do anything but sit there and be a sweltering hellhole? No. Can it be perilously close the site of the ugliest Iowa defeat in the last decade? YES.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Then you have made my point
by showing the Gadsden Purchase is dangerous and deserves our fear/respect. Hockeybear, it should be noted, didn’t even attempt to make the futile effort to destroy IC. Gadsden is the Hampton to Hockeybear’s Iowa State. Next!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 2, 2010 10:55 PM CST up reply actions
Why would HOCKEYBEAR destroy IC?
There’s no Div. 1 hockey team in IC.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 8:34 AM CST up reply actions
We don't have time for your Div 1 shenanigans
Can you watch your hockey team while waiting in line for a ticket to Twilight? DIDN’T THINK SO. Stanzi sure can, which means Iowa hockey = America’s hockey team.
by The Mexican't on Mar 3, 2010 10:36 AM CST up reply actions
But...
There is no Iowa hockey.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 10:59 AM CST up reply actions
Technically, I think it's a club team.
by The Mexican't on Mar 3, 2010 11:50 AM CST up reply actions
A club team?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2010 7:07 PM CST up reply actions
Yes, the Penn State Icers club team kick ass and are usually mentioned as possibly moving up to the big leagues.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 7:17 PM CST up reply actions
Was there a hockey team
in the hull of that tanker he split in half?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2010 3:36 PM CST up reply actions
Narnia?
Are you a nerd, or an 8 year old girl?
Or both. Holy shit! You run FTRS don’t you!?
/I keeed’d
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2010 2:57 PM CST up reply actions
I'm both:
see you on “To Catch a Predator.”
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2010 3:36 PM CST up reply actions
Guys, you forget
Polar bears eat penguins, and penguins are awesome. Therefore, polar bears are the suck, fighter jets and electric hockey mind powers notwithstanding.
Brunettes not fighter jets
Dude, Penguins are birds. And they can't fly.
EPIC FAIL.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 7:17 PM CST up reply actions
Wait, did you just
work in a Flyers>Penguins comment?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2010 8:24 PM CST up reply actions
Different.
He has skates! SKATES!
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2010 8:38 PM CST up reply actions
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