MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: PAKISTANZI RISING, PART 2
by Hawkeye State on Mar 17, 2010 2:15 PM CDT
68 comments
/knocks on front door
Yes, officer?
/flies down, lands on Stanzi's shoulder
You Richard Stanzi? Yes, sir. I'm here to inform you that Girls Generation is missing. All attempts to contact them in South Korea have been unsuccessful. We're working under the assumption that they've been kidnapped. Possibly taken to North Korea. But I was supposed to have a MARCHIFORNICATION contest against them today... Yes, I know. It's why they dispatched me here. No word yet from Commissioner doodoopoop on what impact this will have on the tournament, though I'm sure it means you win by forfeit. In any case, there's no game today. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go arrest another Oregon Duck. Sure, sure. Thank you, officer. /closes door I can't win by forfeit against a half-dozen teenage girls. It's...it's...unamerican. I have to go to Korea and find that k-pop supergroup. This is going to be one heck of a mission, though. I'll probably have to enter Communist territory, and not even Teddy Roosevelt himself could dodge all the obstacles that could be in my path. I can't do this alone. I need someone with experience beating Communists in Southeast Asia, and MacArthur has been dead for 40 years. Who can I...wait. I know just the person. /pulls up Freedom Fone address book and enters name
Sir, phone call from a Ricky Stanzi, line 2
Freedom Squad. Leman here.
J, it's Ricky. Yes, Ricky. Hot blonde secretary informed me you were on the line.
J, I need your help. Korean pop group Girls Generation missed our MARCHIFORNICATION game today. The cops think they've been kidnapped, and maybe taken to North Korea. Holy freedom, Ricky. Yeah, I know. I've got to go rescue them, and I know you've dealt with Asian communists in the past, and I need your expertise. This sounds like a just and noble cause, Ricky. That's why it pains me to have to tell you...no, Ricky. I can't go to Korea to save a half-dozen 18-year-old hotties. But J...this is what you live for! Used to live for, Ricky. After my last mission to China, where I stopped Mao Tse Tung from stockpiling enough Mello Yello to build a nuclear bomb capable of destroying the continental United States, my wife made me promise I would never again return to Asia, that I would never again shoot 500 Chinese guards for the cause of liberty and have Youtube videos of my awesomeness posted online. Now I'm stuck here behind a desk at Langley. J, this is different, though. We're talking about cute Korean gi... I MADE PROMISES, RICKY! I made promises...and those promises I have to keep. I'm sorry, old friend, but I have to sit this one out. /hangs up phone /slumps shoulders Well, I'll just have to do this one alone...
/walks up from behind Like hell you're going to Korea alone. We've got your back. Ain't that right, Ace?
ARF ARF /cocks assault rifle You're an excellent teammate, AC. Now let's go save some hotties.
To be continued Monday...
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The NCAA tournament does start tomorrow, you know
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
And we care about the NCAA tournament, why?
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 17, 2010 2:35 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh, wait... I'm dumb.
Wrestling NCAA’s. Not the Hoopyball NCAA’s.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 17, 2010 2:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Does pride in your bracket mean nothing to you?
My slight chance to derive any real personal satisfaction from the miserable basketball season decade is the hope of winning a pool
Ankles! We don't need no stinking ankles!
by three and out the kok story on Mar 17, 2010 3:35 PM CDT up reply actions
OK, fine!
I’ll go over and fill out a damn bracket!
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 17, 2010 5:59 PM CDT up reply actions
Clearly you've never seen my bracket
But as RR points out, the first weekend is a blast
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 17, 2010 7:24 PM CDT up reply actions
Because the first weekend is FUN.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 17, 2010 4:03 PM CDT up reply actions
Between wrestling updates and NCAA open threads, the pattern is full for the rest of the week.
MARCHIFORNICATION will return Monday.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Hawkeye State on Mar 17, 2010 2:21 PM CDT up reply actions
shit, it's wednesday
point taken. I guess there is plenty to entertain me between now and then.
This is by far the most gripping story I’ve seen in ages, though. Well done
by rod_leviathan on Mar 17, 2010 2:26 PM CDT up reply actions
Anticipation makes the heart grow fonder.
Or something.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Man...
What if Killface runs against Stanzi/Leman in 2012? That will be one hell of an election.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
What's Killface's platform?
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 17, 2010 7:24 PM CDT up reply actions
"Global Warming... Cured It!"
He totally meant to do it on purpose. It got him through the primaries.
by HawkeyeRecon on Mar 17, 2010 9:46 PM CDT up reply actions
His VP candidate, Taqu'il:
The album cover that almost cost him the nomination. He was accused of being a Seder Hater.
by HawkeyeRecon on Mar 17, 2010 9:50 PM CDT up reply actions
VOTE KILLFACE -- OR HE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE.
I think it’ll be effective.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
What? No Sexycop appearance?
Very disappointed am I. Perfect opportunity gone to waste.
Oh yeah, waiting til monday sucks too.
We aren't done yet.
Patience, Yoda. Patience.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Hawkeye State on Mar 17, 2010 2:32 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm beginning to think everyone in my office is really starting to wonder whether I'm right in the head...
All of this uncontrollable giggling to myself (punctuated by an excited whisper of “fuck yes!” when Ace cocks his rifle) lends an odd impression…
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
Plus it's not even something I could describe if I wanted to.
“Hey Todd, what is so funny over there?”
“Well, Stanzi’s about to go save Girl Generation, but J. Leman retired so he was going to have to go alone but then at the last second Clayborn & Ace showed up and ohhhh baby it’s fucking on.”
{co-worker backs away slowly, calls HR}
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 17, 2010 2:37 PM CDT up reply actions
I've stopped
trying to explain anything on this site to anybody. The final straw was last night when my girlfriend saw the picutre of Paki staring through the window and sayd “Is he in jail?”.So, I went into the story and about halfway through she just waked away. Then I started thinking about how screwed up this site really is. I thank you all for that.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
"So, I went into the story and about halfway through she just waked away..."
’zackly.
“Then I started thinking about how screwed up this site really is. I thank you all for that.”
’zackly, x 1,000,000,053,000.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 17, 2010 2:38 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, I've had that happen too...
…luckily I got my dad hooked on BHGP (which is fortunate for him cause he just had back surgery and has to sit at home all day) and my wife absolutely loves the JoePa Chronicles. A couple close friends (and Hawk fans) have checked the site out but haven’t yet been hooked.
However, with everyone else, I’m on my own. But I’ve got y’all to giggle maniacally with.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2010 3:06 PM CDT up reply actions
You sure we don't have the same GF?
Because mine doesn’t get it either. LOL
At least she hasn’t taken my laptop away… yet.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Mar 17, 2010 3:54 PM CDT up reply actions
I have wanted to bring up this topic forever.
My wife thinks it is weird i watch football and hang on this site. She always says “what are your internet buddies doing? You guys are so weird.” I am like “fuck you and get in the kitchen.”*
I am just glad I am not the only one getting shit.
- I do not say that.
My wife just nods and smiles politely
when I try to tell her something (see, there’s this Korean pop girls group with an Iowa helmet…)
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 17, 2010 7:28 PM CDT up reply actions
I figured my dad had lost it
When he started talking about you fuckers. Took me like six months before I checked and realized this wasn’t some senile hallucination. Gotta love him.
by BnFnG on Mar 18, 2010 3:21 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
There is no way J Leman sits this out
Promises are promises. But your country and the freedom of Korean super-pop groups are more important than an measly promise. I trust J will come to realize this point.
Such a failure would surely cast doubt on J’s dedication to Leman/Stanzi ’12: Love it or leave it.
Ankles! We don't need no stinking ankles!
by three and out the kok story on Mar 17, 2010 2:33 PM CDT reply actions
10 bucks says
Leman appears in the DPRK when it appears all hope is lost to save Ricky from Kim Jong Ill’s henchmen.
I check cheddar like a food inspector
by SpanishJohnny on Mar 17, 2010 2:39 PM CDT up reply actions
BUT HE MADE PROMISES, SPANISHJOHNNY! He made promises..
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 17, 2010 2:41 PM CDT up reply actions
No way J let's some broad boss him around
I check cheddar like a food inspector
by SpanishJohnny on Mar 17, 2010 2:42 PM CDT up reply actions
Leman or no
Do you really think Nile Kinnick, all american, heisman trophy winning war hero would let Stanzi fail?
Not a fucking chance.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
Wholeheartedly agree with this
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 17, 2010 2:36 PM CDT up reply actions
THERE WILL BE NO SISSY UN-AMERICAN "GOLF" CLAPPING ON THIS SITE!
Golf clapping is probably French… or worse yet Belgian. Ace can’t golf clap. You stand up and clap whole heartedly like a real American or dono’t clap at all.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2010 3:11 PM CDT up reply actions
Bandwidth Exceeded?
You broke my intertubes.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2010 3:14 PM CDT up reply actions
My boss is Belgian.
Though born in France. He refuses to eat donuts, but will eat croissants.
Mr Stanzi: I will spy for you.
by TheCornballer on Mar 17, 2010 3:24 PM CDT up reply actions
"dono't"???
Crap, all this talk of sissy Francophon-ism has allowed communism to creep into my contractions.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2010 3:13 PM CDT reply actions
Dammit! Reply fail...
…the fascists have won.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2010 3:13 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm just thankful
that I have an office door I can close to prevent anyone from spreading rumors as to why I’m giggling like a little school girl several times a day.
This was absolutely beautiful.
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 17, 2010 3:33 PM CDT reply actions
I must say
I opened this page, saw the first few lines and thought “Oh man I’m going to need to go close my office door or the entire office will think I’m crazy”.
+ eleventy bajillion guys
Cast away your shoe and follow the Gourd!
Sorry, wrong divided mob…
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Mar 17, 2010 4:48 PM CDT reply actions
Well crap, this was supposed to be in regards to the other thread, TMFS vs. Hockeybear (read that thread then come over and read this comment. Hilarious, right?)
This is why I don’t post often.
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Mar 17, 2010 5:00 PM CDT up reply actions
So it's a special kind of palindrome then
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 17, 2010 5:58 PM CDT up reply actions
ǝldɯıs
(: ˙sıɥʇ ǝʞıl sʇsod ƃuol ɹoɟ ƃuıʎouuɐ ʎʇʇǝɹd ˙ƃuıɥʇ ƃuıʞɔnɟ ǝɥʇ ǝʇsɐd puɐ ʎdoɔ ɐʎ puɐ ʎɐs oʇ ʇuɐʍ noʎ ʇɐɥʍ ǝdʎʇ ʇsnɾ ˙ǝldɯɐxǝ uɐ sı ʇǝu˙ʇxǝʇdılɟ ˙ǝʇısqǝʍ ǝɯos oʇ ʇuǝʍ ʎlqɐqoɹd
Probably went to some website. fliptext.net is an example. Just type what you want to say and ya copy and paste the fucking thing. Pretty annoying for long posts like this. :)
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 17, 2010 11:27 PM CDT up reply actions
What the ?????
The interwebs are too crazy!!!
by BuckeyFucker on Mar 18, 2010 11:40 AM CDT up reply actions
We are truly living in a Golden Age
Sure, the future doesn’t have the flying cars and jetpacks we were promised. But it does have upside text! The future is NOW!!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
"jetpacks we were promised"
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 18, 2010 11:24 PM CDT up reply actions
can't you guys see
that BHGP is laying the groundwork for the eventual Stanzi/Ace ticket. Leman is basically taking himself out of consideration (“Ah will not seek, and Ah shall not accept, the nomination of mah party”) making it necessary for Ricky to move up to the top spot.
He needs a running mate, and Ace is the guy/dog who will prove himself with the Girls Gen mission .
We all know who's pulling the strings, though.
Ken O’Keefe in the corner, dancing with marionettes of Stanzi and PakiStanzi
“Yes… Everything is according to plan… Even with this new wrinkle from Norm…” places AC voodoo doll with Ace origami nearby “I think I’ll be able to naked bootleg this to perfection!” maniacal laughing
Damn! My beautiful descriptions!
They are ruined! RUINED!
Can I assume the date
in the bottom right-hand corner of the picture should reassure me that Stanzi’s face has by now been chiseled into Rushmore to the right of Lincoln?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
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