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Winning the Battle, But Losing the War

[We really had no choice but to bump this, as you'll quickly see why. Welcome back to the Internets, CrossCyed.--AJ]

Hello, Hawkeye fans. You know me as CrossCyed, the affable and loveable Cyclone fan that, for a time, ran CloneChronicles and has recently returned as a sort of author emeritus. I have watched, from afar, as the Hawkeye nation has debated the merits of retaining former men's head basketball coach Todd Lickliter. He was a quality man, and, despite differing opinions, a quality coach that simply could not get it done in the Big 10. Many, many Iowa fans advocated the firing of Coach Lickliter, and, today, many of you got that wish. But, in winning that small battle, you may have lost the war.

Star-divide

Popelickliter_medium_medium

How could you have forsaken thee?

You members of the Hawkeye fanbase should have known that John Lickliter, who will henceforth be known as Lil' John for the rest of this post, will likely be out the door as well. Due to the shortsighted nature of the move today by Athletics Director Gary Barta, the Hawkeyes will be losing not only their X-Factor for next season, but also their Y-Factor (because Lil John has more than enough Y chromosome for the rest of the team.)

You Hawkeye fans need to realize that players like Lil John simply do not grow on trees. They are gently nurtured from the end of the bench to the League. Today, Mr. Gary Barta has stalled that process and likely put the future of not only the Iowa men's basketball program, but also the Iowa athletics department in jeopardy.

FACT:

Lil John played in every conference win for the Hawkeyes this year.

- His father recognized his ability, and unleashed it in conference play for Iowa. He carried the team through the memorable conference slate. Many pundits point to his 9 minute performance in the win against Penn State where he displayed his sheer physicality, RIPPING down two rebounds and picking up three personal fouls in a short stint on the floor. You can't hope to win the Big Ten without being physical, and the loss of Lil John just damaged those hopes.

FACT:

Lil John was on the bench for every non-conference loss this year.

- Was his dad/coach afraid of blowing Iowa City's best kept secret? Did Chad Walthall intentionally keep his best weapon on the bench to try and increase the chance of his boss getting fired so that he could possibly slide into the head job? These are all legitimate questions that have yet to be asked by the so-called mainstream media.

FACT:

Lil John led the team in free throw percentage.

- With the aforementioned physical style of play, it's a given that Lil John would have made a number of the trips to the line next year. With a sparkling 83% mark from the stripe, one wonders if he couldn't have carried the team to victory from the charity stripe a few times this year if his dad would have only had the guts to play him more late in the game. Gotta have balls to win.

FACT:

Lil John was second on the team in assist to turnover ratio.

- Lil John's assist to turnover ratio was 1.36, just percentage points off of likely National Player of the Year Evan Turner's 1.42. They are in the same conversation. LIL JOHN AND EVAN TURNER ARE IN THE SAME DAMN CONVERSATION, AND DON'T YOU FUCKERS FORGET IT.

--------

I don't want to bore your fine fanbase with more of what you already know. Unfortunately, a great number of you are misguided in where today's coaching move will move your program. I just hope that you pray to Jesus, Allah, Buddha, or whatever deity you find holy that Lil John does not turn up in Ames. Cause he's one motherfuckin holy power you can't pray to no more.

15 recs  |  Comment 40 comments |

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Call us when you...

get someone who does those things for your team, and doesn’t bolt for Germany or some other reason.

And by the way, Cross-eyed, you do realize you will be in the same situation at the end of next year, right (a coaching change)?

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

-- Judge Smails

by WaterlooChazz on Mar 15, 2010 8:43 PM CDT reply actions  

*sigh*

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 15, 2010 9:24 PM CDT up reply actions  

You see that? Up there?

That’s the joke.

CrossCyed:Iowa State::ReadingRambler:Penn State

by The Mexican't on Mar 15, 2010 11:33 PM CDT up reply actions  

Yeah, my bad...

I didn’t take it as a complete joke when I read it the first time.

My ability to sense other people being humorous depends highly on facial expressions, which are not present on the Internets.

My bad.

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

-- Judge Smails

by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2010 12:23 PM CDT up reply actions  

Your humor-dar is broken as shit, dude.

How is John Lickliter IN A POPE HAT anything but inherently funny?

"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"

by RossWB on Mar 16, 2010 12:35 PM CDT up reply actions  

Fair enough.

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

-- Judge Smails

by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2010 1:31 PM CDT up reply actions  

He always wears the Pope hat

it’s how they can list him at 5-11.

by Angle's Dangle on Mar 16, 2010 2:17 PM CDT up reply actions   1 recs

im going to have to rec this

"Stats from the spring," he said when handed the numbers. "I can take those down to the spare bathroom in the house. We can put them to use down there."
- Paul Rhoads

by tseyb_06 on Mar 15, 2010 8:45 PM CDT reply actions  

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 15, 2010 9:25 PM CDT reply actions  

But the context of it doesn't fit

He is not a proud man at this point in the movie.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 16, 2010 1:07 AM CDT up reply actions  

Yeah, well who cares?

It’s just some old guy in a movie or something. People back then sucked. How are we expected to enjoy their movies when they’re not even in color?

"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo

by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2010 8:44 AM CDT up reply actions  

/That's racist gif'd...

…it’s not their fault they were color-challenged.

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2010 11:40 AM CDT up reply actions  

after his wife's performance

it isn’t hard to understand why. Great flick – ever heard Ebert’s voice-over commentary? Excellent.

"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010

by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 16, 2010 10:02 AM CDT up reply actions  

What's the movie?

Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog

by Flakbait on Mar 16, 2010 10:11 AM CDT up reply actions  

Citizen Kane, man

The Great Bambino of movies! The Sultan of Swat!

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Mar 16, 2010 10:16 AM CDT up reply actions  

Oh wow

I’ve seen that several times, but it’s been awhile. For some reason I thought that was Paul Giamatti. I shouldn’t admit that but it’s true.
There’s a “making of” movie called RKO 281 that’s pretty good too.

Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog

by Flakbait on Mar 16, 2010 10:41 AM CDT up reply actions  

It's a good .gif

I’ve become a great fan of this one lately

Brunettes not fighter jets

by rockyh on Mar 16, 2010 3:06 PM CDT up reply actions   1 recs

They still make Yoo-Hoo?

I had no idea. And well done Cross. If one can’t have a sense of humor about the current state of men’s basketball at Iowa’s two “high majors” (‘cause that mid major to the north does pretty well these days, of course the early success this decade was with, you know), well, they’d be in big trouble.

by DonnyDonovan on Mar 15, 2010 11:09 PM CDT up reply actions  

Is a dead one?

Oh, I see. You were commenting on the excellent nature of CrossCyed’s post. Well then, agreed.

Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.

by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2010 3:22 AM CDT up reply actions  

Or perhaps

One forced to wear black, rather than red, with their gold apparel. Just a thought.

And another touchdown for Rick Stanzi! Too bad the poor man's apparently colorblind!

by hkobb7 on Mar 27, 2010 2:38 PM CDT up reply actions  

Wait until the Hawkeyes hire Eustachy...

They will have all sorts of drunken, walk-on frat boys that will take lil’ Johns tanacity to a whole new level.

Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian

by fliphawk4 on Mar 15, 2010 11:51 PM CDT reply actions  

I will continue to predict Tim Floyd...

With Larry Eustachy as “Entertainment Director”.

by mattbednar on Mar 16, 2010 9:00 AM CDT up reply actions  

I Weep

Not at the obvious genius of the message, but that Iowa Hawkeye basketball has beaten its fan base down so badly, this had to be pointed out by a Cyclone fan. A damned Cyclone fan.

Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog

by Flakbait on Mar 16, 2010 9:35 AM CDT reply actions  

FACT!

Bears eat beets!
Bears! Beets! Lil John Lickliter!
I rest my case

by Andypants on Mar 16, 2010 10:36 AM CDT reply actions  

QUESTION!

Is there any truth to the rumor that Lil John will join the cast of Battlestar Galactica?

by Angle's Dangle on Mar 16, 2010 11:30 AM CDT up reply actions  

You want brackets?

Forget hoopyball, we should have a NCAA wrestling championship bracket competition. Insane amounts of bracketology and the bonus of actually having more than one Iowa school represented. (Make us pround, UNI.)

At this point, Iowa should just declare themselves the world's 1st professional wrestling team and give the rest of the NCAA a chance.

by CyHawk on Mar 16, 2010 11:37 AM CDT via mobile reply actions  

I thank you for your love.

I would have been inconsolable if my greatness hadn’t been recognized.

by CrossCyed on Mar 18, 2010 12:13 AM CDT reply actions  

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