Our Best Guess For How This Iowa Press Conference Is Going To Go
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 15, 2010 11:41 AM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Basketball
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Print[Update, 3:38 CDT: Having seen the actual press conference, gotta say... naaailed it.--AJ]
We're in a packed media room, with dozens of reporters cuing up their recorders. Some flip to open spots in their notebooks. Idle chatter fills the room as a table up front sits empty, except for a stable of microphones pointing in front of an open seat.
Eventually, an expressionless Gary Barta walks out and to the table to a cacophony of questions and flashbulbs. Todd Lickliter is nowhere to be found--and nobody is looking.
Barta begins talking about the difficulties that have befallen the Iowa team over the past three years. While hesitant to name players who have departed or struggled on the court, his message is clear: the last three years have not been up to Iowa's standards by any measure.
Barta then praises Lickliter's character "as a coach, a father, a husband, and a man." He says that in a perfect world, Lickliter would be a member of the Hawkeye staff forever.
Barta pauses, giving the photographers ample opportunity to fill the void with their shutters going off rapidly.
At that point, Barta's expression changes, and his eyes are steeled. "As an athletic director, though," he begins, "you have to make decisions--tough decisions--to ensure your program is best equipped and best prepared for sustained success."
Everyone knows the payoff is now. "And that is why," Barta announces before trailing off a bit, exalting briefly in the shutters of the cameras once more, "...I am announcing my decision to offer Todd Lickliter a lifetime contract."
The room explodes into a firestorm of amazement, disbelief, and anger. The Iowa players, heretofore watching silently from the side of the room, storm out as they announce their transfers to anybody who can hear them. Sally Mason screams into a cell phone, undoubtedly to one of the Regents. Little does she know they've secretly taken Barta's side after a late night at the U-Bar, because nobody would be looking for them there.
At this point, Todd Lickliter emerges, his familiar necktie tied in an Oxford knot around his forehead. He stole that from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The room's hostility reignites to an entirely new level, and the And-1 guy starts dancing around and shouting "OH BABY!" over and over into an Iowa cheerleader's bullhorn. Bob Brooks throws his tape recorder at Lickliter's head.
Lickliter gets on the mic, but it's impossible to hear him outside of some choice phrases like "for LIFE, son," "holla at yo boy," "haters to the left," and one surreal scene in which Barta and Lickliter both bark into the microphone in unison, something that they've obviously rehearsed.
Chairs are being thrown now, and fully half the calls coming from the room are directed at 911. The only thing that calms the melee down is when Barta orders the reporters to settle down, or else the lunch buffet goes away. The attendants dutifully calm down and settle back into silence.
"There's one more thing I wanted to tell everybody before this press conference is over," Barta tells the crowd. "Todd's actually totally gone. He hates it here and I can't say I blame him. We just wanted to have a little fun on a dreary Monday afternoon. Our new coach is Quin Snyder, and he'll be here by Wednesday. One."
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Probably "Let Me Clear My Throat."
Something that’s both hype as hell but also at least 8 years old.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 15, 2010 11:45 AM CDT up reply actions
It's gotta be
“One (is the Loneliest Number)”, but this version in deference to Jacobi.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 15, 2010 12:59 PM CDT up reply actions
LIES
Bob Brooks is far too old and decrepit to throw a tape recorder.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
If Bloodpunch would do this
and TL would participate I would want him back as coach. Imagine the street cred it could pull off with this? Sport a “Real Doll” over his shoulder dressed like an Iowa Cheerleader and we would have the pick of the country in players that want to transfer in.
Regents might be a little less enthusiastic though…
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 15, 2010 11:51 AM CDT reply actions
Wow
“and one surreal scene in which Barta and Lickliter both bark into the microphone in unison, something that they’ve obviously rehearsed.”
That visual just gave me a mild seizure.
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 15, 2010 11:59 AM CDT reply actions
Sorry, OPS...
but you were only partially right.
This is the press conference that will happen when Iowa football goes for two 7-6 years, and they finally decide to fire O’Keefe.
“Ken’s actually totally gone. He hates it here and I can’t say I blame him. We just wanted to have a little fun on a dreary Monday afternoon. Our new offensive coordinator is Ron Turner, and he’ll be here by Wednesday.”
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
I heard that Cully Payne will be playing the part of
Jimmy Chitwood.
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
Except that...
everyone tells Payne to grab one of Lick’s suitcases, and have a nice trip out of town.
And there will be no old lady (played by Bob Brooks in a wig?) saying: “I think we should vote again!”
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 15, 2010 12:42 PM CDT up reply actions
If that somehow actually hit Lickliter...
it’d kill him dead on the spot.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Its interesting that you brought up Quinn Synder
Because nobody else has, I don’t know if he’s the right choice, but he is a guy that people around Iowa know about, so he would be an interesting choice. I would love to see Bruce Pearl, but that’s only a pipe dream. Bob Knight would be hilarious and awesome, but he wouldn’t have any interest in a return to coaching, but they need somebody like Knight that could light a fire under the program and make kids want to come to Iowa. I suggest Tom Brands.
Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.
by White Lightning on Mar 15, 2010 12:48 PM CDT reply actions
My wife graduated from Mizzou in '07
She knows a guy that dealt to Quinn. That would be a bad, bad, bad idea.
Dealt with?
or dealt TO?
Like in the show Weeds?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 15, 2010 3:16 PM CDT up reply actions
Sure
if we do that, let’s just hire Craig Neal………….
"For the charming if somewhat curius branch of mankind known as Cub fans, spring is a sanguine time.. Every spring holds the blithe hope that perhaps this is the season in which Satan will grow weary and ease up on the headlock in which he has diabolically held Chicago's mightly struggling National League baseball team since 1908..." Lonnie Wheeler- "Bleachers"
by tommy veryzer on Mar 15, 2010 1:16 PM CDT up reply actions
As a former reporter who covered the Quinn debacle...
I pray to all that is holy you are kidding about Snyder. If you think Iowa fans hated redacted, they’d beg for him to come back over Snyder. Ever awful rumor you’ve heard about him is probably true. I mean, he’s got the ego of redacted without the common courtesy of not openly looking like a meth addict 90% of the time.
Jesus. I my blood pressure just went up by about 30 points just THINKING about Quinn coming to Iowa City.
Black and Gold Blood: Cubbie Blue Heart
Follow me on Twitter: @MattLaCasse
by MissouriHawk on Mar 15, 2010 1:30 PM CDT up reply actions
OH GOD NOT SNYDER
I’ve lived in KC since 2000 and Quin Snyder sucks ASS! We should definitely get STEVE ALFORD BACK!!!!!!!!!!
(unless he loses to a 14 seed in the NCAA tourney this year.)
There is no way that Paki rushes for nine yards. -KenOKeefeIfuckinghateyou.
Classic Coke vs. Coke II
Alford:
Snyder:
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 15, 2010 1:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Everytime I think you guys can't possibly write a funnier post
You top yourselves.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
of course i wouldn't want synder
i just thought it was interesting that his name was brought up.
Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.
by White Lightning on Mar 15, 2010 1:46 PM CDT reply actions
Maybe he hired Brewster
See if there’s a section on his website about how he coached a basketball team on it once that had players that beat the cousins of some distant nephews of some past Iowa players in a playground game of H-O-R-S-E. I mean, the Brewster would guarantee instant butts in the seats as a basketball coach, right?
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
SHOOT TRY DOMINATE PASS!
On the plus side, if Brewster were our hoopyball coach, every 25 point road loss would be erased from the record books.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Mar 15, 2010 2:45 PM CDT up reply actions
Next Iowa Coach
There is a Houston High School coach who’s teams have destroyed all their opponents for the last couple years. Greg Wise of Houston Yates just won the Texas State Championship implementing a hellish full court press and all out offensive attack. The guy would bring players from the large Houston talent pool. Remember Phi Slamma Jamma? http://highschoolsportsblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2010/03/how-does-houston-yates-stack-up-with-the.html
Make the world a better place, punch a Buckeye in the face!
Iowans are generally a tolerant group but they do not like
1. Jerks
2. Cheaters
3. People who lend the appearance of questionable morals, ethics
I think that covers Alford (1), Quinn (possibly all) and probably anybody who has had anything to do with, say Calipari. If that UTEP guy is good, he would have to be vetted to see if any of coaching under Calipari rubbed off in the wrong way. I still think Eustachy is a good coach but there’s no way after the Natty Light escapade. Some people will be a little fidgety about Lick being canned because while all the player movement is curious at best, he outwardly seems inoffensive.
I’d love to have Bruce Pearl. But we’re not getting Bruce Pearl. I’d even be interested to see if Lon Kruger (yes, I know, he was just ok at Illinois) is tired of coaching a mile off the Vegas strip. Underperformance seems to be a way of life in Champaign. Keno, I don’t know. Not a great record at Providence, but the competition there is stiffer than in the B11. Also, Adam Emmanecker is not on this team. Collins—-could probably get a better gig if he waits just a little longer. Also, Dookie alums (Snyder, Alarie) are no guarantee of anything, though there is at least family cred. I have nobody in mind yet who I see as a realistic choice who I’m crazy about. My mind and ears are open.
At first I thought #1 was "Jews"
And I thought, “finally, someone says what I’ve been dying to tell the world!”
…ERRRR, I mean… shit.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
"First they came for the jerks,
but I was only kind of one, so I said nothing…"
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 15, 2010 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions
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