MARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS: THOU FIRST ROUND IS OVERETH OR SOMETHING
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 12, 2010 1:00 PM CST
in News
35 comments
Round one is completely in the books. No upsets, which displeases us mightily. Sort of. Actually, no it doesn't, because we really weren't prepared to have Jamie Pollard in the finals or anything.
Next week, obviously, will consist of the "Elite Quarterfinals" from Monday through Thursday; Friday, like today, will be reserved for picking up the pieces after (spoiler alert) Acie Earl comes in with a Mossberg and decapitates everyone at point blank range. Stay tuned.
Voting results are below the break.
J Leman Region
(1) Ricky Stanzi beat (8) Tyger Kuntz, 656-77
(4) Girls Generation beat (5) Chrissy Lee, 486-167
(3) Bloodpunch Barta beat (6) Jamie Pollard, 320-53
(2) Joe Paterno and TROLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOO beat (7) Cornshoe Hammaker, disqualification
Bob Zook Region
(1) Hockeybear beat (8) the Gadsden Purchase, 512-91
(4) Tyler Motherfucking Sash beat (5) the Barbasol Couple, 534-110
(3) Brent Metcalf beat (6) Ace the Dog, 342-263
(2) Tim Brewster beat (7) Ron Zook, 365-196
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Acie Earl comes in with a Mossberg and decapitates everyone at point blank range.
Wow, I guess he is really tired of being ignored by the athletic department.
Or, is Acie the “big-name hire” we are all wondering about? LOL
About the bracket: from the point that this started to now, I thought there was no way HockeyBear could lose. However, now I realize he (or it, if it is a supernatural sexless bear?) has to beat MFSash, then probably Metcalf, and maybe match up with Stanzi for the title. Can I really root for some animated omnivore (albeit, an awesome one) to knock off Hawkeyes three times in a row? Color me conflicted.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
The right-hand side of the bracket is weaksauce.
The three strongest competitors are all on the left-hand side of the bracket (Stanzi, Girls Gen, JoePa). Terrible competitive balance there… if I knew who set up the bracket, I’d give them a piece of my mind…
TMFS could be an unexpectedly difficult obstacle for HOCKEYBEAR after his smackdown of Barbasol. Metcalf struggled with Ace, so he could be in trouble against Brewster unless Brewster’s patented EPIC FAIL genes kick in.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
When are Brewster's
epic fail genes ever not in full swing already?
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 12, 2010 2:47 PM CST up reply actions
Hey...
don’t forget, Brewster has won a couple of Super Bowls. Those wins don’t belong to Mike Shanahan, they belong to Brew.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 12, 2010 3:38 PM CST up reply actions
and he never lost 55-0
the game never happened. Darn near perfect record.
by ChryslerKinnick on Mar 12, 2010 4:19 PM CST up reply actions
and if you take away
all those losses to Iowa, Penn State, Ohio State, North Dakota State, etc – then he would have a pretty good coaching record
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 12, 2010 4:51 PM CST up reply actions
Based on raw vote total in the first round
it looks like Stanzi is the odds-on favorite to win the title.
Both sides of the bracket have some pretty strong contenders, though. You know what they say, “Anything can happen in Marchifornication.”
Everyone who didn't vote for Ace is stupid and hates children.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
Also, everyone who didn't vote for Ace secretly loves Daryll Clark.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 12, 2010 2:24 PM CST up reply actions
So you're saying that most of the votes for Metcalf came from Penn State fans?
by The Mexican't on Mar 12, 2010 2:44 PM CST up reply actions
Perhaps.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 12, 2010 4:45 PM CST up reply actions
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Mar 12, 2010 4:14 PM CST up reply actions
I just think you guys underestimate how angry Clayborn will be when he finds out.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 12, 2010 4:46 PM CST up reply actions
Clayborn doesn't get angry
he gets even
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 13, 2010 11:31 AM CST up reply actions
If I was inclined to be fair...
I would point out that Pollard’s MARCHIFORNICATION bout got overshadowed by both the Iowa-Michigan game yesterday AND the ensuing Lickliter drama… but fuck that. It is funny that he got fewer votes than goddamn Tyger Kuntz.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Who the shit is Chrissy Lee?
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 12, 2010 5:00 PM CST reply actions
Wow. I hadn't noticed that.
What’s that all about, Jacobi?
by The Mexican't on Mar 12, 2010 5:56 PM CST up reply actions
Uhmmm.
I did a quick google search for Chrissy Lee. The top hit was an IMDB link for some girl named Chrissy Li. I’ll let you be the judge here.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 13, 2010 10:16 AM CST up reply actions
She had to change her name from Cox to Lee
to prevent the 14 jNWU fans from hurting her after she berated their school in national print
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 13, 2010 11:33 AM CST up reply actions
She was almost killed
By a jet black farrari while shopping on Michigan Avenue. Had to do something.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 13, 2010 11:38 AM CST up reply actions
So she did "All About Ass 2"?
Guess people have to get paid somehow…
They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Mar 14, 2010 3:00 PM CDT up reply actions
Actually, it was red
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Hawkeye State on Mar 14, 2010 7:34 PM CDT up reply actions
It's only the first round
anything can happen from here. Typically defenses really pack it in after the first round so that really favors Metcalf.
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
Nothing favors Metcalf.
He does well beating up on adorable little puppies, but good luck against real competition, Daryll.
I probably shouldn’t be so bitter, but I love cute dogs. You guys are all jerks.
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 12, 2010 8:10 PM CST up reply actions
It will be my classmate...
Charles “Fuckin’ Chuck” Kuntz. Seriously. He’s got it going on.
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. Bill Nye (yeah, the science guy)
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 13, 2010 11:34 AM CST up reply actions
Tigers of Rusty Kuntz?
"Based on my estimates, it appears that Stanzi shall transcend the ages." - Cairo
by ReadingRambler on Mar 13, 2010 4:41 PM CST up reply actions
EXACTLY
how I read that card. I wonder if that type of tiger is more dangerous for having survived the exodus from jagged, tentanus-ridden narrow opening?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 14, 2010 11:55 AM CDT up reply actions
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