Iowa State Gets The Call From The Big 10

Iconphone45_medium RING

Iconphone45_medium RING

Iconphone45_medium RING-A-DA-DING DING DINGY DONNNG

Iconpollard_medium Hello, this is Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard. It's a great day to be a Cyclone!

Icondelany_medium (snicker)

Iconpollard_medium Hello?

Icondelany_medium Oh, (clears throat), sorry, I had to sneeze. This is Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany.

Iconpollard_medium Oh, well it's great to hear from you, Mr. Delany.

Icondelany_medium Please, please! Call me Jim.

Iconpollard_medium Well, sure thing, Jim! What can I do for you?

Icondelany_medium Well, as you probably know, we're looking for some new blood in the Big Ten. It's not a lot of fun running a conference with 11 teams and no championship game, you know what I mean?

Iconpollard_medium Yessir, good thing the Big XII has a good structure in place for that!

Icondelany_medium Well, about that, Jamie. Can I call you Jamie?

Iconpollard_medium Mr. Pollard, preferably, Jamie's kind of a girl na

Icondelany_medium Jamie it is. So Jamie, we were looking at our figures, and reports, and uh, and our maps... and... well, we think Iowa State would be a perfect fit for the Big 10.

Iconpollard_medium Do you really?

Icondelany_medium Well, sure! Shame that you've got the Big XII already eating out of the palm of your hand and all, though. I suppose we could never convince you to leave that situation for us...

Iconpollard_medium No, we'd be happy to--I mean, we could start some negotiations and just listen.

Icondelany_medium Excellent. Well, first things first, just for our records, let's get a form started. You at your computer, Jamie?

Iconpollard_medium I sure am!

Iconpollard_medium (closes Internet Explorer window of Cyclone Fanatic)

Icondelany_medium Okay, great. We'll get your team's file all set up. We need you to email me, your president, and the ADs of all the Big Ten members. I assume you've got your directory handy for all of those.

Iconpollard_medium I sure do!

Icondelany_medium Perfect. So let's get started. There's a weird filing system we do here, so you have to enter the subject in carefully, but you only need to do this once. I don't know why we do this, but IT swears it can't be done any other way.

Iconpollard_medium Boy, tell me about it! Sometimes I think, "if this is the Information Superhighway, I want to just pull over!!"

Icondelany_medium Yes, um, the Information Superhighway. Wow. Anyway, all capital letters here, no spaces unless I tell you. First, we start with ISU, that's you guys.

Iconpollard_medium ISU

Icondelany_medium Then C, for conference.

Iconpollard_medium ISUC

Icondelany_medium Then K, then 2 underscores

Iconpollard_medium ISUCK__

Icondelany_medium Then the number eight, equals, equals, equals, and a D

Iconpollard_medium Wait, three equals signs in a row?

Icondelany_medium Yeah, good catch.

Icondelany_medium It's four.

Iconpollard_medium ISUCK__8====D

Icondelany_medium Okay, almost done, then a space, open a parenthesis, type O-dash-8, then close the parenthesis.

Iconpollard_medium ISUCK__8====D (O-8)

Icondelany_medium Stands for Operation Eight, since this is our eighth study of expansion in the conference's history. And we're all set.

Iconpollard_medium Oh, so that's why 8 is in there twice.

Icondelany_medium Um... yes it is!

Icondelany_medium So just put your contact info in the message body and fire that off to everyone right now, and what that does is open an active email server vector.

Iconpollard_medium All done! Sent!

Icondelany_medium Holy crap, wow, um... yes, you actually did send that. Yeah, you should be getting plenty of responses pretty quick on that one. Anyway, let's talk Iowa State sports. Mind if we do that?

Iconpollard_medium Sure thing!

Icondelany_medium Okay, says here you were in the Final Four once.

Iconpollard_medium Um...

Icondelany_medium Yeah, back in 1980. That's still a plus. Oh, also, our research tells us that you've got the number one wrestling team in the nation! That Brent Metcalf sure is a great wrestler for you guys!

Iconpollard_medium Yeah, we uh...

Icondelany_medium Oh, and you won a bowl game this year.

Iconpollard_medium We sure did!

Icondelany_medium You beat Georgia Tech!

Iconpollard_medium Okay, uh, if I can just interrupt for a second... all of that stuff you just mentioned, um, Iowa State didn't do any of those.

Icondelany_medium No? Who, pray tell, was it?

Iconpollard_medium Well, you're off by about 120 miles, but that was actually Iowa.

Icondelany_medium Come again?

Iconpollard_medium Iowa did all that.

Icondelany_medium YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT THAT WAS IOWA WHOOOOOOOOOOOO GO HAWKEYES EAT A BOWL OF HERKY DICK BEEEYATCH FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FOR IOOO

Iconpollard_medium (hangs up the phone)

Iconronald_medium Who was that? Did I hear you say something about the Big Ten?

Iconpollard_medium No, Secretary, it was nobody. Wrong number.

Iconronald_medium Okay. Oh, president Geoffroy is on line two, and he doesn't seem very happy. Something about an explicit email?

Iconpollard_medium Great, I'll bet we have another child pornographer coaching basketball.

Iconpollard_medium Hey, has the Missouri Valley called back yet?

Iconronald_medium No, do you want me to leave another message?

Iconpollard_medium       Sadpollard_medium

Iconpollard_medium No, six is probably fine. I'm sure they're just on vacation or something.

(Meanwhile, in an office about 120 miles away)

Iconbarta_medium I cannot. fucking. believe he bought that. With the boner thing? Check this out, he actually sent it to everyone.

Iconbarta_medium (tosses Blackberry)

Iconferentz_medium No way he... I'll be damned.

Iconbarta_medium Guy's like Brick Tamland. Who should we call next?

Iconferentz_medium I dunno, Gary, maybe one's enough.

Iconbarta_medium         Iconbarta90_medium 

Iconferentz_medium  (checks watch)

Iconferentz_medium  ...let's do Illinois.

Iconbarta_medium Attaboy!

Iconferentz_medium And make sure Delany's totally mystified that they're already in the conference. You know what I mean? Like that he didn't just forget, he legitimately had no idea they were ever there.

Iconbarta_medium "The Big 10? The one with the real schools? Are you sure?"

Iconferentz_medium "Boy, I would have missed that one on Jeopardy! I figured you were in the Horizon or something!" That's good stuff. Oh, hey--before you call, can I get another beer?

Iconbarta_medium Absolutely.

Iconferentz_medium Man, offseasons are awesome. 

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