The KOKAINE Chronicles, Pt. 2: Intervention

- Part One - Part Two -

At Ken O'Keefe's house, KOKAINE arrives home later that day

That's it.

 I'm sick of listening to Stupidhead Kirk.

 He's so bossy.

 He thinks he knows everything, but he's such a dummy.

 /slams door

 GRRRR he just makes me so MAD

 /holds breath

  Honey?

/continues holding breath

Ken? Is that you?

/continues holding breath, turns red, clinches fists

Ken, darling? We have company.

 /exhales, pants

/enters room

Oh Ken, why are you upset?

Because that poopyhead Kirk suspended my friend.

Aw, dear, I'm sorry. But if you'll come in the kitchen, you have a friend visiting.

O RLY?

/enters kitchen after his wife

Dad?

Hello, son.

What are you doing here on a Tuesday afternoon?

Ken, we felt we had no choice.

I don't know how to say this...

Ken, this is an intervention. We think you need some help.

Intervention? I don't need an intervention. I'm fine.

Ken, the warning signs have been there for weeks.

Against Northwestern, you kept throwing the ball deep when driving toward the south end zone, even though neither quarterback could complete a long pass into that wind all day, and then you ran two guys on parallel patterns over the middle about three feet apart and dared Stanzi to throw into double coverage deep.

Yeah, honey. That was really dumb.

Against Ohio State, you kept using Robinson even though Coker was going for 8 yards per carry.

So, so stupid.

You only managed 218 yards of offense on fucking Minnesota.

That's basically criminal incompetence.

And Dr. OK and I decided it can't be chalked up to your usual lack of creativity.

Son, are you using any drugs?

NO! Of course not!

Ken, I've seen this before. Two years ago, you were complaining about losing Shonn Greene and wearing this pirate outfit. I saw it then, and I swore I would never let it happen again.

Son, your actions affect us all. They affect me. They affect your wife. They affect your players, and your subordinates, and your fans. Why, they even affect Kat O'Keefe.

Aw, Kat O'Keefe, did my problems get you down?

Meow.

What we're saying is

HISSSSSSS GO TO COLUMBIA HISSSSSSSS

Wait, did you hear that?

Hear what?

...Nothing. Nevermind. You were saying?

I was saying that we thing you need to

HISSSSSSS CALL GARY PINKEL HISSSSSSSS

There it is again!

Son, I don't hear anything.

This is just another sign of the problem, Ken.

I'm telling you, I don't have a OH MY GOD

HISSSSSSS LISSSSSSTEN TO ME, KEN

HISSSSSSS YOU WILL ONLY BE RESSSSSSPECTED IF YOU GO TO MISSSSSSSOURI HISSSSSSS

HISSSSSSS THEY WILL PROPERLY APPRECIATE YOUR OFFENSSSSSSSIVE PROWESSSSSSSS HISSSSSSS

HISSSSSSS YOU WILL NEVER BE APPRECIATED FOR THE GENIUSSSSSSS WHILE YOU ARE WORKING FOR KIRK FERENTZZZZZZZZZ

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

/throws cat in cardboard box

Ken, what are you doing?

The cat...he...he's talking to me.

I don't know what you're talking about.  The cat was just laying on the counter.

No he wasn't!  He stood up and talked to me!

 This is even worse than I thought.

I...I think it stopped.  As long as the cat stays in the box, I think I'm --

 Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

HISSSSSSS SSSSSSSTEAL YOUR SSSSSSSSSECRET PLAYCALLING MACHINE FROM THE FOOTBALL OFFISSSSSSES AND GIVE IT TO YOUR OPPONENTSSSSSSS HISSSSSSSSSS

I can't!

HISSSSSSS YOU CAN AND YOU MUSSSSSSST HISSSSSSSSSS

I'll get in trouble!

LISSSSSSSTEN TO MEEEE!  YOU ARE KOKAINE!  YOU'RE THE BESSSSSSST!

No...

YESSSSSSSS

NO

YESSSSSSSS

I... I...

/turns to Mrs. OK and Dr. OK

I have to go to Missouri

You have to WHAT?

Ken, get back here!

KEN, GET BACK HERE AND BE INTERVENTION'D!

To be continued...