Kirk Ferentz and Gary Barta Have A Meeting
by Adam Jacobi on Nov 30, 2010 9:14 PM CST
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
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PrintScene: The nicest office in the Jacobson Athletic Building. Or Carver, wherever. One man sits at his desk, facing the other in front of him, and neither appears to be happy.
7-5, Kirk.
Yessir.
4th quarter collapses all over the place.
Yessir.
Lots of seniors on their way out.
Yessir.
We play like that next year, we're not going to a bowl.
Yessir.
Not really what I had in mind three months ago, y'know.
Y--no sir. Me neither.
(exhales loudly)
(sits silently)
Guess we shouldn't have spent all summer making prank calls, huh?
In retrospect, Kirk, no, we should not have.
And I probably should have done more with conditioning than having Doyle and the guys go to Ames and overturn cars at their athletic department.
You didn't tell me you'd be doing that.
Yeah, I didn't want you to be an accessory. But I figured it'd be a team-building exercise, y'know, something good for the kids.
Didn't really work, Kirk.
I know.
(exhales again)
(sits silently again)
Well, would this qualify as a lesson learned?
I'd say so.
Should you go work on bowl prep for whoever it is Iowa sees in December?
Yessir.
I probably should.
So...
I did bring all this beer, though, and it's not really going to drink itself. (hefts a sixer onto the table)
That's gumption, Kirk, and I'm proud that you're my coach.
So who do you want to call? I figure we should call Lloyd Carr and tell him we're Michigan and we want him back.
But at a third of the price.
Also he has to keep Greg Robinson as his defensive coordinator.
Does that mean we need to call RichRod first and tell him he's fired?
I think that's exactly what it means.
Awesome, I'll cancel my 2:30. Nobody cares about the baseball program anyway.
We need a reason why we're not paying the buyout, though.
Entire team got arrested for public urination. On the M Club banner. In front of an orphanage.
God, I love this job.
I'd fire you if you weren't awesome.
Hahaha, yeah, I know.
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Thank you.
We all needed that.
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Nov 30, 2010 9:27 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
ditto
i havnt laughed on BHGP for a couple weeks… this is brilliant, thanks jacobi
fightin for president stanzi's fightin americanzis since his first 13 yard charge - syracuse '07
by metcalfrhymeswithblodbath on Nov 30, 2010 9:53 PM CST up reply actions
yeah
I haven’t laughed on BHGP since Wizgerald visited the Oracle!
Goddammit!!!!
I promised myself I wouldn’t ever smile or laugh again until Iowa fixed this fucking mess we’re in by pounding our bowl opponent mercilessly, and now you went and wrote this fucking masterpiece. Damn you, Jacobi!!!!!
I'll take "The Penis Mightier" for $500, Trebek.
Barta Shit Eating Grin
warmed the cockles of my last-minute-loss-frozen heart. Also Iowa-Minnesota-border-on-the-last-night-of-November-frozen.
by Third Generation Hawk on Nov 30, 2010 9:39 PM CST reply actions
+Many, many
Guess we shouldn’t have spent all summer making prank calls, huh?
I did NOT see that coming. Classic.
And it’s great to feel a little swagger again, even if said swagger is served with tongue firmly in cheek. Thank you, sir, for that. I love the Hawkeyes.
by The Naked Bootleg on Nov 30, 2010 9:56 PM CST reply actions
Good stuff!
As an aside, I got back from some happy hour action in Orlando and started rewatching the Ohio St. game. As shitty as they looked vs Minnesota, Iowa looked pretty damned tough playing the Buckeyes. I hope we get a bowl game vs the toughest possible opponent and I hope our seniors feel motivated to make their final game count. We know they have the talent, lets see some motherfucking heart and execution!
Can the next one of these...
feature a prank call to Joel Maturi, saying that Tony Dungy has changed his mind and is accepting the Gopher coaching job?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
I was thinking we needed some Minnesota calls as well
But having Barta call GO FIGHT TRY and saying that Iowa was looking for a new coach and that he’d be the perfect man for the job because we need to beat Minny and he knows the ins and outs of the program.
by A True Americanzi on Dec 1, 2010 12:37 AM CST up reply actions
It was funny, but I didn't laugh.
I really need a vacation. When I get back, I want it to be September and I don’t wany any talk about changes being needed in Iowa or changes needed in Penn State. I can’t take this sick, twisted one-two punch from both fanbases.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Nov 30, 2010 11:07 PM CST reply actions
Hey Rambler...
Have you seen that CokeZero commercial where the guy is talking about how we need science to come up with a time machine?
I think our fanbases could use that. Iowa fans could go back to January of 2010, and PSU fans could go back to January of 1995.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Nov 30, 2010 11:39 PM CST up reply actions
I’m setting my time machine for January 1987. PSU wins the MNC, and Iowa hoopyball is ranked #1 most of the month. I’ll take you with, Rambler. Should be a good time.
Sorry, no dice.
I’m going back to Nov., 1969, so I can tell Joe not to listen to his players, accept the Cotton Bowl bid, and murder Texas.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 7:39 AM CST up reply actions
Me, I'd go back to 1992
and skip that Toad the Wet Sprocket concert at the Horizon in Chicago. Approximately 3,500 people would easily agree with me on that one.
"I wish you luck with a capital 'F'" - The Real Elvis.
And make no mistake; we would have murdered those segregated losers.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 8:47 AM CST up reply actions
I don't know what has me more shocked
that you saw Toad the Wet Sprocket or that they were actually booked to play a venue as large as the Horizon.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Dec 1, 2010 9:13 AM CST up reply actions
They warmed up for the Counting Crows
I was going for cheap humor.
"I wish you luck with a capital 'F'" - The Real Elvis.
By dropping the reference
or going to that show in the first place?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Dec 1, 2010 10:52 AM CST up reply actions
I'm guessing both.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 11:08 AM CST up reply actions
Your mom is cheap humor.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 11:08 AM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I'm I the only one
who thinks that particular concert had the opening-act/headliner arrangement backwards?
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I was thinking
the actual headliner bailed when they saw the opening acts.
"If you need a rah-rah speech at halftime, you’re playing the wrong sport." - Pat Angerer
MISTER JONES
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Toad the Wet Sprocket once got booked to play a very large venue - your mom.
Oh, and nice touch with Floyd, McCann’t.
At least we're not Michigan since 1855.
Beat some mediocre SEC team or whatever.
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 11:08 AM CST up reply actions
Minnesota has earned the right to take Floyd in the position to which they are most accustomed:
Missionary.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Dec 1, 2010 11:26 AM CST up reply actions
Fucking fantastic
First time in recent memory that I’ve thought about the football team without shouting swear words.
by Black and Gold on Nov 30, 2010 11:18 PM CST reply actions
You mean... FRANtastic, right?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Dec 1, 2010 12:14 AM CST up reply actions
Needed this
Brilliant!
Side question: Anyone hear any more on whether Sash is going to return or not? I’ve been visiting some mock draft sites and have seen him slotted as early in the 2nd round.
NFL looking for guys who don't wrap up and take bad angles now?
Look, I love Tyler MF Sash. But he DEFINITELY needs to work on his game a bit before he’s ready for the league.
If he's legitimately projected as a 2nd round pick
I think he’s GONE. MasCasa has hinted as much the past couple weeks given Sash’s age and Sash’s decidedly non-committal responses (that also point out how old he is). If he can get picked in the 2nd round, then it would probably be in Sash’s entry to bolt early. Unless he expects to have an Eric Berry-like season next year, his stock wouldn’t be likely to go up much.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I don't know
It’s the timing of everything… Underclassmen have to declare by January 15th. The current CBA doesn’t expire until March. The draft isn’t until April. Lockout wouldn’t start until August, I believe. A lot of unknowns would make me leary, but again I don’t think you can discount the fact that he’ll be 23 in May.
So, I think it will come down to whether or not he is a legitimate 2/3 rounder. If it’s second round, ugh. I really hope he comes back, but I have a bad feeling he’s gone.
Lockout starts as soon as the CBA expires
so, March. This won’t have significant repercussions, however, until camps are supposed to open.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Does it?
I can’t find anything definitive. The NFL is confusing. Guys are under contract but can opt out of non-required mini-camps, etc. From what I could gather, a “true” lockout wouldn’t be until August. Do you have a link on info?
This is why I probably don’t watch the NFL. It turns a game I love into a business I don’t understand.
I don't agree or disagree
He needs work like anyone moving up to the next level but I think he had to do too much guard duty and wasn’t afforded a whole lot of ball-hawkin duty this season. And I think his tackle numbers were pretty good this year.
People game planned around Sash
that alone would have me taking a good look at him if i was in the NFL.
by justsomehawkeyefan on Dec 1, 2010 7:57 PM CST up reply actions
Heh.
The NFL has about 60 defensive starters who don’t know how to wrap. They all go for the big hit. Sash isn’t too good at that either, although he looked like he’d just gotten up from a shell crater after one particular hit (against MSU, I think).
"Yeah, and that’s bullshit, cause Boise plays Kirkwood every other weekend".
Smokin' Herb Grigsby's Mom (+1, I say)
he's big, has enough speed and produced the last two years
with no one really standing out at safety right now and the threat of there not being a 2012 season, I could see it.
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -Isaac Asimov
Two things that will (or at least should) affect if Sash leaves or not:
A) how many other draftable safeties are there, versus how many NFL teams need a safety.
B) what the lockout/collective bargaining situation looks like.
This could be a year where we actually see plenty of great juniors stay around, if they can’t be sure that there will be an NFL season in 2011.
Personally, I think Sash will/should be gone, unless (by draft day) it looks like there will be no 2011 season. Sash might do well to not hire an agent until that situation is fairly clear.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Dec 1, 2010 10:01 PM CST up reply actions
Only problem
with that solution is that a junior (or 3rd year sophomore) has to declare pretty early if he is going to go to the pros or not. I don’t recall the actual date (or timeline) but obviously once they decide they can’t go back on it, unless something truly stupid happens, like he fails out of school or beats up a bunch of nuns and gets kicked off the team.
You can't record your own Vinegar Strokes.
I believe the deadline is
January 15 and they have 3 days after the deadline to rescind.
I think with Sash turning 23 in May, he may bolt. The CBA situation has to be scary, but I think you’d have to be a little worried about teams shying away from a 24 year old rookie if he came back.
Thanks for doing the legwork on that one
I am super lazy and didn’t want to overwork my fingers.
It is an interesting choice for Sash. I hope he comes back, but I would not hold it against him if he left.
You can't record your own Vinegar Strokes.
I also think
Clayborn’s decision to come back might play a part in his decision. Clayborn had a great statistical season last year and could have gone in the 1st round last year but chose to come back and might have hurt his draft stock by not having as good of a year this season. Clayborn will probably still be a 1st rounder but I don’t think that his decision to come back raised his draft stock at all.
Regarding Sash
Even if there is a lockout, I am sure his agent can give him some walking around money in lieu of his future earnings which is legal once he declares. I also think the lockout is less and less likely. While initially I thought the Rookie Cap would make it less likely for Juniors to leave I think certain positions will be unaffected like Safety, Tight End, and linebacker. If the salaries and bonuses are slotted you get what you get, play for your second contract and like you guys have pointed out maybe the clock is already ticking for him.
Today's prediction- 10/30/2010 Cousins 5 sacks, 3 picks, Iowa win.
Off topic
But I’d be for a rookie cap as long as the contracts don’t run longer than three years. This is a purely subjective/perspective feeling. But a contract is a contract and should be played out, but it shouldn’t screw a guy either. No, including the player, knows how well they will adapt to the NFL.
Pure genius
That’s why this is the best sitepage on the interwebs
I've got the brains. You've got the looks. Let's make lots of money.
I hope we get Outback or Gator. I'm flying home the night of the Insight.
I won’t land until 11:15pm eastern and the game starts at 10pm eastern.
Thank you
its such a relief, release, and redemption piece
i got some tag numbers in ames,,,, any chance?
If Sarah Palin were any smarter rocks would be in trouble
First time I've laughed about Iowa in a while
and it felt good. Well done AJ! Of course, it’s probably to be expected, some of this site’s finest writing was born in the fiery abyss that was the 2007 season.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
In that vein, I was wondering if alcoholic daddy might make a return.
He’s been on the wagon for awhile now, but…
"Aaah, BHGP..."
“Drink it in… it always goes down smoothly.”
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Dec 1, 2010 4:05 PM CST reply actions
Smiling Barta
You could post that picture 8 consecutive times and I would laugh at every one.
IF YOU NEVER GIVE UP. YOU NEVER LOSE. - Courage Wolf
Really?
/subject line’d.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Dec 1, 2010 10:17 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
Subject line'd, indeed
"Welcome to the PSU Salvation Army. I've never been associated with a defense so nice about giving touchdowns away." - Coach Fry, modified
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 10:36 PM CST up reply actions
BOOO!
Why does SBN hate J Leman images and turn them into red xs?
"Welcome to the PSU Salvation Army. I've never been associated with a defense so nice about giving touchdowns away." - Coach Fry, modified
by ReadingRambler on Dec 1, 2010 10:36 PM CST up reply actions
Fear.
So just shut your face and take a seat, 'cause after all, you're just talking meat.
by Bucketochicken on Dec 1, 2010 11:16 PM CST up reply actions
Yes.
The snaggle-toothed-ness is impossible not to laugh at.
Let’s not forget the other possibilities with Gary, though:
there’s quizzical Barta:
there’s enunciating Barta:
there’s nervously pensive Barta
there’s “It’s hilarious because it’s true” Barta
there’s patriotic Barta
and there’s “where’s my stun-gun” Barta:
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Dec 1, 2010 10:55 PM CST up reply actions 9 recs
Bravo, sir.
Bravo.
/applauds
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Dec 1, 2010 11:54 PM CST up reply actions
rec'd
hard. A lot of fine work in there
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Dec 2, 2010 7:38 AM CST up reply actions
thanks
this was really funny as was the initial piece – thanks
On a completely unrelated topic....
….I will be at the game here in Cleveland when Lebron steps back on the floor. Would anyone like me to ask him anything?
How would you like your steak done, Mr Sweater Vest?
by FiveSecondRuleChef on Dec 1, 2010 7:33 PM CST reply actions
What are you wearing?
No, seriously, do you have a funny anti-LeBron t-shirt or something?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Dec 1, 2010 10:02 PM CST up reply actions
I believe those get burned on first sight.
They may give him time to remove it first, might not. Cleveland is nothing if not hard-core
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Dec 1, 2010 10:51 PM CST up reply actions
I've lived here 6 months
And I do gotta tip my hat to these fans. They live and die (mostly die) by their teams. When the Brown lose it’s like someone shot your puppy on Monday and Tuesday at work. Even the ladies are into it.
The arena has always had metal detectors at all entrances. I’m hoping for an aggressive pat down. I haven’t been touched in a while.
How would you like your steak done, Mr Sweater Vest?
by FiveSecondRuleChef on Dec 2, 2010 4:28 AM CST up reply actions
Report back on that agressive pat down.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Dec 2, 2010 1:29 PM CST up reply actions
Take an Iowa flag
Given the number of times they are sure to pan the entire arena…it would be awesome if there was a TigerHawk just chillin like a villain.
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