I experimented with Four Loko to deaden the pain of the loss.



I informed a few in the postgame thread that I had to see what all the fuss was about with controversial “legalized cocaine in a can.” However, it's not available in South Dakota (it has come to my attention via Pain in the Sash that “Joose” has now been pulled in South Dakota as well, but 190 proof Everclear is still widely available—figure that one out). I heard the news reports that it would “need to change it's formula or it would be banned.” First off, I would like to know what “change your formula” means. Perhaps smaller cans? Less alcohol content? Less shitty taste? So anyway, last Thursday, I went into Todd's Shell Station in Rock Rapids, Iowa (home of RJ Meyer and Mike Klinkenborg) to sneak some back across the border.


A brief aside... I think the primary problem with this stuff is that the FDA does not consider liquor and cigarettes “food” and therefore there are no nutrition facts. So, we don't know how much Meth.. excuse me, caffeine and whatnot... are in these drinks. I picked up two 24 oz. cans for $2.39 each, which seemed like a total bargain. It turns out that it's priced that low because malt liquor is cheaper than energy drinks—which should have tipped me off as to what the primary ingredient was.


So on Saturday, after the all-too-familiar letdown, Jeebus informed me to stay away from the Fruit Punch as it tastes like, in his words, “encephalitic Toucan’s piss.” Sadly, that was one of the two flavors that I purchased. The other one was Watermelon. So being the outstanding friend that I am, I gave the Fruit Punch to my buddy from Lincoln whereas I cracked the Watermelon flavored one.


It smelled like a hobo. It tasted like a combination of jolly ranchers, Colt 45, and sweaty socks.


As for the effects of this tasty beverage, I consumed the entire can in a controlled environment... my basement. With all of the hype, I was happily underwhelmed with the results.


I vaguely recall the end of the Nebraska/Texas A&M game. I remember watching Bo Pelini channel his inner Bill Lynch and spittle all over that ref with the big guns. Whatever he said, it didn't help anybody score any touchdowns. I then time traveled a bit, and by the time I “came to,” I realized I was watching the DVD of SNL's Best of Dana Carvey (“And weee liked it!!!”)


As for my buddy, he celebrated Nebraska's miserableness and will happily drive back to Lincoln this week to listen to everybody piss and moan. He passed out much earlier and missed the great comedic stylings of Dana Carvey. As for Sunday morning, as usual for me, there was no hangover (at least from the booze, I still suffered from the late-game meltdown hangover). There may have been a vicious headache if I hadn't stopped at one.


In summary, I can see why Cuatro Crazy (it's Spanglish!) is being banned. More than one can coupled with being out in public could have been a problem for me. I probably would have done a lot more time traveling that night and probably would have woken up in some stranger's yard without pants. As for my overall observations-- if I need a pick-me-up for drinking, I'll think I'll stick with a can of monster with some vodka over this shit.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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