Iowa athletic office. How can I help you?
... Put me through to Coach Ferentz... s'urgent.
Excuse me... could you repeat that, sir?
Just put me through to Kirk, goddamnit.
... Okaaay... um, could I have your name to let Coach Ferentz know who's calling?
Um... okay, uh... Just one moment sir...
Coach Ferentz, there's someone on the line for you. They refused to give me their name and... well, what they said was barely discernible. I guess it's urgent. It... sort of sounded like... well, like Bill Belichick, sir...
*Chuckles* I'll take care of this, go about your business, young man. *switches lines* Bill... how're things?
Kirk. Great. Those boys of yours looked solid on Saturday. Kicked the shit out of the old turdburgler.
Uh, Thanks, Bill. Got some things to work on but all in all, it was a good effort.
Don't be modest, Kirk. Your squad routinely sticks it in the soiled ass of Gramps and his cocaine-cats... Well, I hope that asshat in the front office took care of business and let you know why I'm calling.
... Uh, well, he said something about you mumbling and wasn't really sure what to make of your call...
I said urgent and mentioned exactly what I fucking wanted. Why the fuck do people read into my tone?
Uh, well yeah. Not sure, but he didn't really menti...
Listen, Kirk. I'm busy, and really trying to continue a youth movement here. All I need is for you to you call over that young quarterback of yours. Stanzi's the name? The one that rambles on about how fuckin' great this country is? I'd like to see what he's all about.
Your team wants Ricky? Wow... that's kind of an honor, Bill. Usually our quarterbacks are relegated to goalline duty in the CFL following college. Yeah I'll call him over right now, he's actually in the office...
Don't pull a Joe on me and shit yourself, Kirk. I just wanna speak to him.
*mumbled away from the phone* Ricky!!! Grab Ricky for me!!! Ah, there you are. I have someone on the phone that would like a word with you...
*dramatically shifts tone* Ricky, this is Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots. I would like to speak to you in private about a very important matter we have on our hands.
Um, wow... uh, ok, Coach Belichick... I'm in Coach Ferentz's office, so could I call you ba...
Stanzi... This is of dire consequence. I need a word immediately.
Jeez... ok, uh... *away from phone* Coach, Coach Belichick would like to speak to me in private...
Are you alone now, Stanzi?
Uh, yeah, Coach Belichick. So, what's the problem???
Stanzi... I'll make myself perfectly clear here. I have long been undercover as an elite covert affairs operative protecting this great nation of ours against the diabolical heathens whom oppose it. Are you following me thus far?
Wow. Most certainly Coach Belichick! You know I've had some experience in protecting this country befo...
Of course, that's why you've been contacted. Let me continue. The cantankerous facade you see nearly everywhere in the media is my immensely successful cover that has taken me sometime to cultivate. You may remember the scenario in which our ball club here in New England was caught videotaping...
Oh, yeah! That spygate thing?
Please, Stanzi. That was my worst moment as a "spy". In short, that rotund Australian Mangini was largely suspected by our organization as an enemy of the state and possible athlete kidnapper, until we recognized that his obsession with Chansi Stuckey was actually legitimate. Let's return to the point, please. We have a problem with a suspected terrorist and we would love to employ you, a now moderately tenured protector of our borders, to look into the matter.
Wow... really? What's the situation, Coach Belichick?
Please, call me Commander, Stanzi. The target, codename "P.P.", has been frightening young children for a long period time. We're afraid his harmful antics have now stretched into much more heinous acts. The suspect was last seen smuggling weapons grade plutonium via submarine on the coast of Lake Michigan in Indiana. We would love for you to look into the matter at 0300 in the vicinity of Gary, but we're not %100 sure on the exact location of the site. Could you do this for us? Let me mention that there would be a great reward involved...
Commander Belichick, it would be an honor to look into the matter, especially with a reward offered from such a prestigious dignitary such as yourself!!! If I may ask, what is the physical appearance of the target?
Wonderful. As for his appearance... he is known for a large chin, his customary black and opulent gold headware, and a large mallet which he is known to use to punish his subordinates and enemies. Stanzi, find and eliminate...
.... to be continued.