BHGP CONSUMER REPORTS: These Hawkeye-Themed Tortilla Chips Hold A Terrible Secret

Hello, friends. Are you in the mood for a snack? Sure, we all are, always. We're Americans. But so many snack foods these days don't really reflect who we are on the inside. Oh, you bought Bold Chex Mix. Congratulations, you're a text effect. This is you: you. We're all so impressed.

Fortunately, the University of Iowa has licensed a special tortilla chip that comes in a bright, festive mix of black and gold. Don't believe me? Check it out.

Torchips_medium

Now, as far as taste goes, these chips are completely unremarkable; you could pick up a bag of generics at the grocery store of your choice and do better than these grainy, boring pieces of sadness. They're not even overly salty, which is always a surefire saving grace with mediocre snack foods.

No, literally the only reason anybody would ever buy these things is because they're black and gold, and those aren't exactly natural colors for corn chips (yes, there are such things as naturally gold tortilla chips; I assure you these are of no such quality). Thus, the manufacturers have to load these things up with enough food dye to turn white corn black, and the human body isn't terribly interested in processing all that food dye. But, y'know, it has to go somewhere.

All of which is to say this: if you eat these things, you will shit green. Very, very green. If it were any greener, you might think you shat a leprechaun egg. Yes, they come from eggs. It's unbelievable, and incredibly jarring when you're not expecting it to happen. And since there's nothing on the back of the bag or anything to warn consumers to the effect of "these chips are 90% dye and your doodoo will be the worse for it," well, you really can't see this coming if responsible citizens like me don't pass the word along.

Now, there are no other ill effects to one's health in ingesting these, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to eat them. Some people like to crap weird colors. Hey, I do, but only when I try to do it. So, University of Iowa: please do a better job of informing your loyal fans and consumers when you license a product that turns their BMs a completely different color. You owe it to us--and our stained colons.

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