BHGP CONSUMER REPORTS: These Hawkeye-Themed Tortilla Chips Hold A Terrible Secret
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 26, 2010 3:30 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes News
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PrintHello, friends. Are you in the mood for a snack? Sure, we all are, always. We're Americans. But so many snack foods these days don't really reflect who we are on the inside. Oh, you bought Bold Chex Mix. Congratulations, you're a text effect. This is you: you. We're all so impressed.
Fortunately, the University of Iowa has licensed a special tortilla chip that comes in a bright, festive mix of black and gold. Don't believe me? Check it out.
Now, as far as taste goes, these chips are completely unremarkable; you could pick up a bag of generics at the grocery store of your choice and do better than these grainy, boring pieces of sadness. They're not even overly salty, which is always a surefire saving grace with mediocre snack foods.
No, literally the only reason anybody would ever buy these things is because they're black and gold, and those aren't exactly natural colors for corn chips (yes, there are such things as naturally gold tortilla chips; I assure you these are of no such quality). Thus, the manufacturers have to load these things up with enough food dye to turn white corn black, and the human body isn't terribly interested in processing all that food dye. But, y'know, it has to go somewhere.
All of which is to say this: if you eat these things, you will shit green. Very, very green. If it were any greener, you might think you shat a leprechaun egg. Yes, they come from eggs. It's unbelievable, and incredibly jarring when you're not expecting it to happen. And since there's nothing on the back of the bag or anything to warn consumers to the effect of "these chips are 90% dye and your doodoo will be the worse for it," well, you really can't see this coming if responsible citizens like me don't pass the word along.
Now, there are no other ill effects to one's health in ingesting these, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to eat them. Some people like to crap weird colors. Hey, I do, but only when I try to do it. So, University of Iowa: please do a better job of informing your loyal fans and consumers when you license a product that turns their BMs a completely different color. You owe it to us--and our stained colons.
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Sparty's behind this.
After Retailing and Food Industry Management, Food Science is one of their most prestigious and accomplished departments.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Oct 26, 2010 3:36 PM CDT reply actions
Aren't those what Goldfish hatch from?
by Bucketochicken on Oct 26, 2010 3:55 PM CDT up reply actions
You mean you don't plant them?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 26, 2010 3:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Well yeah, you plant NERDs, and then you pick the Skittles off of the tree that grows, then the Goldfish hatch from the Skittles..
Duh.
/Farming 101’d
by Bucketochicken on Oct 26, 2010 5:34 PM CDT up reply actions
Why would you plant Purdue students?
That’s just a waste of perfectly good fertilizer.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on Oct 26, 2010 6:05 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Is it really a waste if the fertilizer is au natural?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2010 8:47 AM CDT up reply actions
Candy Fail.
You plant NERDs and get EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPERS, both Wonka products. That’s just basic gardening right there.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 8:24 AM CDT up reply actions
Same thing happens when making Black & Gold jell-O shots
Found that out this year after ingesting too many of the black ones I made for the EIU game. Good times!
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
Comedy writing skills win:
Oh, you bought Bold Chex Mix. Congratulations, you’re a text effect. This is you: you. We’re all so impressed.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
So you mean to tell me that if I eat these, I will crap out Notre Dame Marketing ideas??
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
It will then attempt to kiss Suzy Kolberg.
by Bucketochicken on Oct 26, 2010 5:35 PM CDT up reply actions
He knows how to fix vapor lock
Or at least his wife does, which is something.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 26, 2010 6:12 PM CDT up reply actions
No, but your farts will sound like Freekbass songs.
--
@scrappled
Slow States - Lacking SEC speed since, like, a month ago.
by Run Up The Score on Oct 26, 2010 5:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Poorly conceived?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 8:25 AM CDT up reply actions
Entire bottle of Jager = poorly conceived
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 9:07 AM CDT up reply actions
Entire bottle of Jager + skanky chick = poorly conceived
"I have my Joe Paterno autograph already, but I don’t know that I’d begrudge anybody else from getting theirs no matter their age. That’s kind of like meeting Winston Churchill." jesse. @ BSD
You mean the resultant child?
Not that different than my first…
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 11:08 AM CDT up reply actions
Wasn't Go Green for Greene 2 years ago?
This will be my chip of choice next time I make spinach artichoke dip.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Oct 26, 2010 4:02 PM CDT reply actions
This "Greene Out" is both a command and, er, movement...
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 26, 2010 5:09 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Verified!
Just sayin’. The black chips turn your tongue blue as well.
On Sunday evening...
I ate a bunch of Long John Silvers Fish and took some cold medicine.
I am still waiting for the disaster to occur.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
Every once in a long while, I purchase "food" at Sheetz.
Somehow nothing has happened yet.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 4:09 PM CDT up reply actions
So you're saying "Sheetz" is a complete misnomer.
OK ...one time Randy Beaman had to take baths with his brother ... so one time his little brother took a potty in the bathtub ... and now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself. 'K. Bye
Sheetz is fucking delcious. You take that back!
--
@scrappled
Slow States - Lacking SEC speed since, like, a month ago.
by Run Up The Score on Oct 26, 2010 5:46 PM CDT up reply actions
I order the chicken sandwich thing with bacon, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, pickles and something else I can’t remember. Oh, BBQ sauce. My theory is that enough toppings will make it taste like nothing and thus, decent.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 5:47 PM CDT up reply actions
Don't get me wrong, Sheetz is no Wawa.
But it’s decent enough if you want a turkey sub on the run. Or if you want the runs.
--
@scrappled
Slow States - Lacking SEC speed since, like, a month ago.
by Run Up The Score on Oct 26, 2010 6:17 PM CDT up reply actions
Your lame name convenience stores have nothing on Kum & Go™.
OK ...one time Randy Beaman had to take baths with his brother ... so one time his little brother took a potty in the bathtub ... and now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself. 'K. Bye
These Iowa boys have no idea what Sheetz or Wawa is.
Wawa has the old school flat lids for coffee. Sheetz has painted gas tankers.
Wawa has its own fan’s web site. Sheetz has West Virginia, and massive fuel farms.
Meanwhile, we have Casey’s, where grandmothers speak in complete sentences and keep the place as clean as their own homes, while saying, “And, how are you today?”
So the winners are:
1. Casey’s: for directions, cleanliness, and a pleasing modesty when you buy a beer at 8 a.m. on Sunday, to employ while you’re listening to the radio preachers while driving down the empty two-lanes and getting straight with you-know-who.
2. Wawa: coffee should never be served with a scoop/Bernoulli effect. Flat lids: the only way to go.
3. Sheetz: if you like your WVA girls plump and cheerful. (Just don’t ask for directions.)
Mr. Boh Knows ...
by Bellanca on Oct 26, 2010 6:50 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
I have never been to a Sheetz that didn't sell really useful maps.
They also offer “food” that is straight from the “kitchen”, so they’re pretty good.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:12 PM CDT up reply actions
Try their bag of salt, er, I mean, french fries.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:15 PM CDT up reply actions
But that goes for any fast food joint.
And I will stop posting for a little while.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:16 PM CDT up reply actions
Hey, wait a minute
You can buy beer at convenience stores out there?
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:14 PM CDT up reply actions
yup ,cold beer in gas stations
and the real stuff, not the 3/2 bullshit. i’m looking at you kansas and minnesota
Gotta get up to get down
You can't out there?
I was blissfully ignorant about gas stations anywhere lacking beer. It just ain’t right.
Perpetually living between the click of a light and the start of a dream.
by hawkeyeguy85 on Oct 26, 2010 8:02 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Pally,
you can buy Maker’s Mark and Templeton Rye at convenience stores “out here.” It’s not like Penna, where you have to go to a “package store” that is never open, and doesn’t sell liquor, which you have to buy in a “liquor store.” We offer a superior culture.
Mr. Boh Knows ...
The only advantage in this department is Yuengling.
However, we have more guns than you and bigger and better deer. Also, bear. Yuengling + bear = redneck heaven.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 27, 2010 7:48 AM CDT up reply actions
Well, correction,
we can’t buy it at convenience stores after midnight and before 6 a.m. So no drinking in the truck on your isolated county road before 6 a.m., okay?
Mr. Boh Knows ...
You just need to plan ahead.
Not that I’m endorsing this behavior, I’m just saying
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 27, 2010 8:29 PM CDT up reply actions
Why else would they be called "convenience" stores?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 8:26 AM CDT up reply actions
The preferred term here is just "gas station".
There are two kinds of gas stations, ones with toilets and ones without.
What’s a convenience store? Is that like Wal-Mart?
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 27, 2010 8:43 AM CDT up reply actions
Those sound like inconvenience stores.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 27, 2010 9:07 AM CDT up reply actions
every gas station has a toilet.
sometimes it’s out back and the toilet paper is a wal mart receipt from grocery day. yeah, i’ve been there a time or two
I piss people off on a fairly regular basis. I cherish my right to speak my mind, whether I sound like an uneducated savage or not. I've never been accused of keeping what I think a secret, nor will I ever. Don't like it? I don't care.
by IABerserker1 on Oct 31, 2010 9:28 PM CDT up reply actions
Casey's General Store.
Iowa’s gift to the world, particularly their breakfast pizza. This greasy delight is the perfect “carry-over” food between late night binge drinking and tailgating.
Thank you Iowa.
@jschnauzer
Bloggin' at http://joepasdoghouse.com
"getting straight with you-know-who"
Voldemort?
Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Oct 27, 2010 9:22 AM CDT up reply actions
That's not turkey.
All right, man? It’s just not. I’ve had turkey. That is not turkey. It’s probably sparrow.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:11 PM CDT up reply actions
Quail, maybe?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 31, 2010 10:32 PM CDT up reply actions
I am hoping that Sunday morning...
……Adrian Clayborn is shitting green.
Back in the day, the St Patty’s Day McDonald’s “Shamrock Shakes” also turned one’s bowel movements green—in fact, it was nearly a phosphorescent green, as if one had eaten a thousand glow-sticks chased by freshly-mowed grass.
It would have scared the shit out of me at the time, but by definition it was already too late for that.
I want the ingredients
My guess:
SALT.
EVEN MORE SALT.
Corn flour we made by procressing the excrement of a horse.
Dye.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 26, 2010 7:32 PM CDT up reply actions
No, it's not even fucking salty!
Which is the most aggravating part of it all. Other than the green BMs, of course.
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
That happened to me with cupcakes.
I had cupcakes with red and blue frosting once and I shat purple.
A co-worker went of a business trip a day after eating blue and yellow frosted cupcakes and was alarmed to find he was shitting green. He figured it was something he ate while on the road trip.
@jschnauzer
Bloggin' at http://joepasdoghouse.com
Grandma Utz potato chips fried in real lard > Sterzings.
Pennsylvania grease food products are once again superior.
A wolverine is really just an oversized groundhog. Also, the next man to call a stretch play gets sent to Botany Bay. Beat Michigan.
by ReadingRambler on Oct 27, 2010 8:44 AM CDT up reply actions
Thank you!
Had tears in my eyes from laughter. This got me over the game last week. Once again thanks!
Wisconsin chips
Are flavored with razor blades.
Iowa State chips are flavored with Jamie Pollard’s fumunda cheese.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 26, 2010 9:15 PM CDT reply actions
Pollard's fumunda cheese...
will have you on the Inkon Sola Bowl all day long.
See what I did there?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Oct 26, 2010 9:16 PM CDT up reply actions
These are the jokes!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 26, 2010 9:19 PM CDT up reply actions
Jacobi......
Hope you are up on your Tetanus boosters after taking a look at that Dutch oven on the stovetop.
I'm pretty sure that's a ceramic coated dutch oven, not a rusty dutch oven.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2010 8:27 AM CDT up reply actions
I always thought...
a rusty dutch oven is when your wife farts in bed then holds your head under the covers.
Or maybe that’s foreplay, it’s been so long?
"Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
That is definitely cast iron
Which can get rusty if you don’t take care of it. Cast iron cookware rules if you know how to clean and store it correctly
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 27, 2010 2:38 PM CDT up reply actions
But the lid’s dented! I think that’s a cheap ass one. There’s no way I could dent the heavy as shit one in our house.
Nope.
I have a cheap ass ceramic and cast iron dutch oven. I could drive my car over the motherfucker and not dent the lid.
We also have a very inexpensive ceramic-coated steel soup pot that could burn water if you tried to cook it too long. I’m thinking that’s what is next to the chips.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Oct 27, 2010 4:12 PM CDT up reply actions
The Lodge ceramic coated ones are fairly inexpensive (~$50ish)
But do a good job for stews, roasts, chili, etc. Anything you need a nice even heat for.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2010 8:14 PM CDT up reply actions
That may be what I have.
We wanted Le Creuset but neither my wife nor I had an extra organ to donate to afford it. Our dutch oven is cast iron and ceramic coated inside and out, although I’m not sure who the manfacturer is. We have a 12" skillet from the same company that is only coated on the outside, it has the pure cast iron goodness on the cooking surface. These are my two favorite pans to use for just about anything.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Oct 28, 2010 11:41 AM CDT up reply actions
It has a reflection in it, which makes me think it is ceramic.
Here’s a pic of a ceramic one. Obviously doesn’t look exactly the same.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2010 4:04 PM CDT up reply actions
I still say it's cast iron
The handle sure looks like cast iron. Ceramic would be more rounded. Also, I don’t think that’s a dent, I think it’s a reflection, which is possible with cast iron. With the low-res level of the pic (cell phone camera?) it’s hard to determine for sure.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 27, 2010 6:01 PM CDT up reply actions
CBS OPS is too important to weigh in on this
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 27, 2010 6:12 PM CDT up reply actions
Sorry guys
It is most certainly a ceramic-coated dutch oven, and I love it almost half as much as I love sexual intercourse. I saute peppers in it, brown some sausage before draining and adding pasta sauce, par-boil potatoes before roasting, everything you can imagine. It’s the best thing in the history of my kitchen. Also, dutch oven jokes lol.
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
The only thing close is a cast iron skillet.
This week alone ours was used for taco meat on Tuesday, beer braised cabbage on Wednesday and pasta sauce last night. We scraped it, rinsed it and wiped it out between uses, but that cooking surface has never seen soap. God bless cast iron.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Oct 29, 2010 9:04 AM CDT up reply actions
I guess that makes me the big winner.
I accept contrition in the form of cash or credit. No checks.
And yes, cast iron skillets are the best cooking utensil ever invented.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 29, 2010 11:36 AM CDT up reply actions
The one you posted looks like an iron dutch oven with ceramic coating.
I guess we’ll never know. If only there was a way for the person who posted the pic to reveal the nature of his dutch oven.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2010 8:12 PM CDT up reply actions
Big picture people.....
Look at the stove top, the tin tea kettle and the fact that the person is slumming it by eating corn chips that turns your shit green…..
You think the person that owns the cookware in question has:
a ceramic coated Dutch oven
or
a rusty, old and not properly cured and lightly oiled after each use – and never use any sort of abrasive cleaning instrument on it, either….
by Ordinary Joe on Oct 27, 2010 11:20 PM CDT up reply actions
Fuck. I think what I thought was a dent is a reflection of the stove dial on the lid. Back to square one.
I think the handle is the dead giveaway.
I have never seen an iron skillet with a handle like that. Meanwhile, the handle in the dutch oven picture that HRecon posted above looks pretty similar.
Case solved.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Oct 28, 2010 10:08 PM CDT up reply actions
Holy shit are you blind
Wow. Just wow.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 28, 2010 10:21 PM CDT up reply actions
I thought the same thing.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 29, 2010 9:08 AM CDT up reply actions
These pretzels are making me thirsty
I thought you were tougher than this. Whining about fecal discoloration? Why, I once ate a bag of off-brand flaming hot cheetos. Next day at school, I was shitting hot red liquid pain. It was so red, I couldn’t tell if it was the dye or rectal bleeding. At that point I said “Fuck it” and went home.
Your welcome for the story.
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude
1 bottle of creme de menthe,
the sole remnant from a pilfered parent’s liquor cabinet, will also generate green BMs
"Conan, what is best in life?" "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women"
by Natty Bumppo's Murderous Gaze on Oct 26, 2010 9:54 PM CDT reply actions
Anyone remember the blue colored All Sport sports drink?
That stuff always made my shit look like I’d been dining on Smurf Stew.
Gargamel would have been jealous…
I'll take "The Penis Mightier" for $500, Trebek.
Smurf Stew
is that Smurfette’s nickname?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2010 9:03 AM CDT up reply actions
Nice teapot
Gov’nah.
"You're going to go out there with a dick full of confidence. Then, you're going to go out there and shoot that confidence all over the stadium." -Blue Mountain State
Where do I get some Hawkeye Chips...
For my Gopher fan Father in Law? He needs some Hawkeye food in his kitchen. Can’t wait what it does to his bowel movements…
I once drank a whole bottle of jagermeister
And it achieved the same effect (green poops)
Brunettes not fighter jets
Whatever you do...
Do not, I repeat do NOT mix Hawkeye chips with Boo Berry cereal. You’ve been warned.
You'll shit plaid!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 31, 2010 10:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Any food
with high concentrations of blue food coloring always seems to come out green. Remember Mountain Dew Code Black? That stuff used to have swirls of blue food coloring in the fiz. Totally green $hit
I thought that was the greatest stuff in the world when I was a kid.
Then again, I also thought that NWA Saturday Night Wrestling was ALSO the greatest thing in the world, so what can you say for taste.
It was Mt. Dew with a Tiger Hawk on it
How can you get any better?
by the_iowa_hawkeye on Oct 28, 2010 8:31 AM CDT up reply actions
Glad someone else noticed
My in-laws come over to watch every hawkeye game. My mother in-law tends to bring over lots of snacks – chips, beer, pizza, etc. For the Michigan game, she shows up all proud with her recently purchased Iowa Hawkeye tortilla chips from Fareway. They didn’t look that great to me, or my wife, so we didn’t eat any. Others, including my mother-in-law, did. The next morning, my wife awakens to find a voice mail message on her cell phone. The message went something like this. “It’s mom. I just wanted to let you know that those tortilla chips I bought turn your poop green. Very very green. Do not eat those chips anymore. Love you.” I found in odd at the time for her mom to call describing the color of her bowel movements. She was glad when I showed her this post, which verified she had a legitimate concern for the family’s bm’s.
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