DR. STRANGEBADGER, or: How Ken And Norm Learned To Stop Worrying And End The Badger Menace

(Ed. Note: One, this post obviously owes a great debt to Dr. Strangelove, one of the greatest movies of all-time.  If you haven't watched it yet, do so.  Now.  We'll wait.  Two, don't forget to pay tribute to Norm this weekend.)

KENNY, OL' PAL, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS GAME WITH THOSE GODDAMN BADGERS.

You mean like, um, a gameplan?  Because I think Phil and Darrell are on top of that...

GODDAMN RIGHT LIKE A PLAN OF ATTACK.  THOSE BOYS HAVE BEEN DOIN' A GOOD JOB ALRIGHT, BUT THIS HERE GAME'S A MITE DIFFERENT THAN DEALIN' WITH SOME DREADLOCKED SISSY-BOY OR WHATEVER THE SHIT PENN STATE WAS TRYING TO DO.  

Yeah, well, Wisconsin does pose some different challenges, for sure... 

DAMN RIGHT THEY DO.  THEY'RE A GODDAMN CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER TO OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE.

Well, I don't know about that... I mean, I think they just want to win a football game...

BULLSHIT THEY DO, KEN.  THEY MEAN TO WIPE US OFF THE GODDAMN MAP.

It's just, I was talking to Paul Chryst last night and he seemed like a swell guy and -- 

SPYING ON THE ENEMY, EH?  MIGHTY FINE WORK THERE, KENNY.  WHAT SORT OF INTEL DID YOU DIG UP?

Well, I mean, it wasn't really spying, per se.  I was just chatting with Paul -- 

FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY?  I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW IF I CAN CONDONE THAT, CHUM.  I REMEMBER BACK WHEN I WAS DEEP IN THE SHIT IN 'NAM WE FOUND A GUY IN THE PLATOON WAS SPILLIN' SECRETS TO THE VIET CONG.  HE HAD A LITTLE "ACCIDENT" WITH A CLAYMORE A FEW DAYS LATER.  NOW THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A MESS TO CLEAN UP, I WAS PICKING PIECES OF SKIN AN' BONE OUTTA MY BEARD FOR WEEKS, 'CAUSE BACK THEN I HAD ONE RIGHTEOUS BEARD -- 

Norm, you weren't even in the Vietnam War... I went and asked Kirk and everything.

OH I WAS THERE ALRIGHT, IT JUST WEREN'T IN A REAL "OFFICIAL" CAPACITY.  BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, UNCLE NORM KILLED HIS FAIR SHARE OF V.C. IN THOSE DAYS.

(sweats nervously)

AW, DON'T WORRY.  I AIN'T GONNA KILL YOU.  KIRK VETTED YOU AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.  WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE THAT?

Um, something about how the Badgers wanted to extinguish our way of life?

DAMN RIGHT THEY DO.  THAT GODDAMN RED MENACE SEEKS TO INFILTRATE, INDOCTRINATE, AND SUBVERT AMERICA.  IT'S ALL PART OF THEIR GODDAMN CONSPIRACY TO SAP AND IMPURIFY OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS, KENNY.

Uh, really?

HELL YEAH.  TELL ME, KENNY, YOU EVER SEEN A COMMIE DRINK A GLASS OF WATER?

Er, well, I can't say as I've ever met a Communist, so, well, probably not...

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU HAVEN'T BECAUSE THE COMMIES ARE A CRAFTY ENEMY, KENNY.  THEY AIN'T GONNA DRINK THEIR OWN GODDAMN MIND-CONTROL JUICE.  THAT'S WHY I ONLY DRINK CAKE FROSTING.

Yeah, about that, didn't your doctors tell you that you need to, um stop that?  I mean, they already had to amputate one foot...

GODDAMMIT, KENNY, I'D GIVE BOTH FEET AND ONE HAND TO KEEP MY MIND AND BODY FREE OF COMMIE SUBVERSION.  COURSE, I'D HAVETA KEEP ONE HAND SO'S I CAN USE A GUN OR A KNIFE TO KILL THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS WHEN THEY COME FOR US.

So, um, how are the Communists infiltrating our water supply, exactly?

WELL HELL, THROUGH THE GODDAMN FLOURIDATION PROCESS.  YOU KNOW WHEN FLOURIDATION STARTED?

Uh, no.

NINETEEN FORTY-SIX, KENNY!  RIGHT WHEN COMMUNISM WAS ON THE RISE!  THAT AIN'T NO COINCIDENCE, NO SIREE.

How did you, er, get this theory?

WELL, I FIRST NOTICED IT WHEN I WAS MAKING LOVE TO THE MISSUS --

Oh my god, please just stop right there.

AND I JUST FELT EMPTY AN' FATIGUED AFTERWARDS.  AND IT WEREN'T THE USUAL POST-COITAL TIREDNESS -- OL' NORM'S DONE THE DIRTY DEED ENOUGH TA KNOW THE DIFFERENCE -- IT WAS A LOSS OF... ESSENCE.  Y'KNOW, MY ESSENTIAL RED-BLOODED AMERICAN NORM-NESS.

Wait, aren't you in your 60s?  So you would have been having sex in a pre-flouridation world when you were, like, five years old?

AW DON'T GO BRINGING YER FANCY-BOY MATH INTA THIS, KENNY.  MAYBE JUS' MAYBE OL' NORM'S A LITTLE OLDER THAN HE LOOKS -- OR THAN HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE SAYS.  MIGHT BE THEY HAD TO CHANGE A FEW DETAILS ON THERE BACK IN THE DAY.  IT'S ALL PRETTY HUSH-HUSH, THOUGH.

Uh, okay.  So,er, what are we going to do about Wisconsin?

BOUT DAMN TIME YOU ASKED.  YOU SEE THOSE DAMN POLLS AND B.C.S. RANKINGS THIS WEEK THAT GOT THEM DAMN BADGERS AHEADA US?

Well, yeah.  I mean, they did beat Ohio State and that was a pretty big win...

BUNCHA GODDAMN HOGWASH AND NONSENSE, KENNY.  BADGERS AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A GODDAMN OVERGROWN WEASEL.  THOSE DAMN B.C.S. RANKINGS ARE A BUNCHA BULLSHIT.

Maybe so, but, well, that is the system we have to work under.  I mean, we get a chance to make our case by playing Wisconsin this week...

AND THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHO'RE WE FOOLIN'?  AT THE END OF THE DAY, THIS IS JUST A DAMN BEAUTY PAGEANT AND WE'RE OUT THERE PEACOCKIN' AROUND FOR SOME FAT SLOB MEDIA TYPES AND NUMBER-CRUNCHIN' GEEKS.  AND GODDAMN DO I HATE BEAUTY PAGEANTS, KENNY.  THE MISSUS MADE ME GO TO ONE BACK IN THE '70S... LEMME TELL YOU, IT'S A GOOD THING THOSE G.I. DOCS TOOK THE CYNAIDE TOOTH OUTTA ME OR I MIGHT'VE ENDED IT ALL BACK THEN.

Yikes.

YOU KNOW WHAT CLEMENCEAU SAID ABOUT WAR, KENNY?

Er, no.

HE SAID IT WAS TOO GODDAMN IMPORTANT TO BE LEFT TO THE GENERALS.  WELL, FOOTBALL'S WAR TOO AND I SAY IT'S TOO DAMN IMPORTANT TO BE LEFT TO SOME DAMN POLLSTERS AND COMPUTERS.  SO'S I ALREADY GAVE THE ATTACK ORDER.  COACH KAZ IS ON HIS WAY TA MADISON NOW.

Uh, to do what?

TA ERASE IT OFF THE GODDAMN MAP, KENNY!  AIN'T YA BEEN LISTENING THIS WHOLE TIME?  THEY STARTED IT WITH THEIR FLOURIDATION BULLSHIT AND THEIR POLL-JUMPIN' NONSENSE AND I AIM TA FINISH IT.  SO'S I CALLED IN A FEW CONNECTIONS WITH THE ARMY AND GOT ME A BIG OL' BOMB AND SENT RICK UP THERE.

Good god, you're talking about mass murder, Norm, not football!

KENNY, I AIN'T SAYIN' WE WOULDN'T GET OUR HAIR MESSED UP A LITTLE, BUT I DO SAY NO MORE THAN TEN TO TWENTY THOUSAND KILLED, TOPS.  DEPENDING ON THE BREAKS AN' THE WAY THE WIND BLOWS, YOU KNOW.

This is insane, Norm.  We have to call it off now.  Let me call Rick on his cellphone...

AW, KENNY, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.  I TOOK HIS CELLPHONE BEFORE HE LEFT.  IT'S A DONE DEAL.  WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT EASY AND MAKE ME A DRINK OF GRAIN ALCOHOL AND CAKE FROSTING AN' GET WHATEVER YOU LIKE FOR YOURSELF.

Well, I don't really drink...

AND AIN'T THAT A GODDAMN SHAME.  IT'S THE END OF BIELEMA AND ALVAREZ AND ALL THE RESTA THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS -- IF THAT AIN'T SOMETHIN' TO CELEBRATE, HELL IF I KNOW WHAT IS.

Kirk is gonna kill me.