Bret Bielema Declares War on Ricky Stanzi, Our Way of Life
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 20, 2010 8:00 AM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
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PrintBHGP would like to remind you that if you read this story and find it necessary to talk about American politics in the comment thread, you are both an oblivious idiot and not welcome here. As has been the case since the beginning of BHGP, political talk is not allowed. You can do that on literally any other Hawkeye message board already anyway.
Patriots! Read this, but beware: it will disturb you. From the hated Bret Bielema's appearance on the radio show of notorious enemy of Kirk Ferentz Jim Rome:
On whether Wisconsin sent a message by winning with smashmouth football:
"We do. We call it American football around here. Two tight ends, two backs, one wide receiver and occasionally get two wide receivers on the field, but it was [a message]. ... What we do 365 days a year came through on Saturday. Our kids really imposed their will and it was really fun to watch."
"American" football?! We are real Americans here, Bielema, and you know it. Ricky Stanzi, please remind everybody:
This incident, unfortunately, speaks to the heart of Bret Bielema: he purports to impose his will, but he can't bring himself to talk about it honestly off the field. His tale to the press about blaming "the card" for his 2-point conversion against Minnesota sounded plausible but totally dishonest at the time, and now it turns out that it's probably not true either. And here, more troublingly, Bielema wraps himself in the flag to avoid the question of honesty--and the treasonous truth therein.
Also, I have stopped taking my medication as of a week ago*.
First of all, EVERY football team in the NCAA plays "American" football. That's simply a designation to indicate the rules in place. Unless Bielema is suggesting that some teams play Australian Rules Football (which would be kind of awesome but an absolute logistical mess on the gridiron unless the opponents and refs play along), he's making a distinction without a difference.
What he means, though, is that Wisconsin plays a style of football popularized during a period of time that roughly spans the late '50s through the end of the '80s. You know what was America's greatest threat during that entire time period? Nixon The Communists! Or, as we called them, the Reds! Now remind me again, what's Wisconsin's primary color?
We know that Ricky Stanzi is a Real American, and we know that he is currently fourth in the entire nation in passing efficiency. We know that the combined amount of Stanzi's pass attempts and rushes on the season equals the amount of rushes by Adam Robinson, Jewel Hampton, Brad Rogers, and Marcus Coker combined. Therefore, we know that a Real American offense doesn't de-emphasize the passing game, as Bielema is so clearly trying to do, but embraces it as an innovation of the technology Americans depend on week in and week out. Sure, Bielema can run the ball 70% of the time, but who is he trying to hurt by doing that? Is it Real America? Maybe.
Stalin was a horrible person who did horrible things, but at the very least**, he was honest about who he was: a Soviet to the core, and haters gonna hate. Bielema's attempt to couch his hostile efforts toward America in a dishonest, patriotic light only indicates a core, crucial disbelief in his own ideology. But this is no surprise; what else could explain The Tattoo?
And you know what, man? YOU KNOW WHAT? GUESS HOW MANY GRANDPAS I GOT. GO ON, GUESS. NINE. I GOT NINE OF EM, SIX OR SEVEN OR ELEVEN OF EM*** ALL STILL ALIVE. EVERY DANG ONE OF THEM'S STILL ALIVE, AND ALL FIFTEEN DONE SERVED IN THE CIVIL WAR SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SACRIFICE OUR FREDOM TO THE BRITISH.
GRANDPAPPY EARL CONFIRMED IT MAN, C"MON
ANYWAY I'LL BE DING DANG DAMNED IF ALL EIGHTEEN GRANDPEEPERS I GOT ARE GONNA DIE SO WISCONSIN CAN PRETEND TO BE AMERICAN. BAD ENOUGH THEY'RE COWARDS ENOUGH THAT THEY USE THE UPPER PENINSULA LIKE A CONDOM BEFORE THEY TOUCH CANADA LIKE YOU KNOW THEY WANNA DO.
SEXUALLY PROBABLY, I DUNNO, I DON'T KNOW THEM, BUT PROBABLY
POINT IS THIS: SHUT UP WISCONSIN, AND SUCK A RUSTY ROBOT COCK FOR ALL I CARE
OKAY BYE BYE
*According to sources with knowledge of the situation, the only meds Jacobi is on are Beefeater and Svedka, so we know that's a lie.--BHGP
**And this is a very least.
***Jesus, who approved this post?--BHGP
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Simply amazing
that is all
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by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Oct 20, 2010 8:09 AM CDT reply actions
Shall we play a game?
Love to. How about Global Thermonuclear War with Wisconsin?
Fuckin reds.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 20, 2010 8:12 AM CDT reply actions
Bielema told a real WOPR about the two-point conversion chart.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Oct 20, 2010 1:11 PM CDT up reply actions
Doesn't Bielema know that tattoos are not permanent?
In the past 10 years, just four team owners have not paid a luxury tax and are not on pace to pay one this year: Donald Sterling, Jerry Reinsdorf, Chris Cohen (Golden State), Bob Johnson (Charlotte).
Two owners’ teams averaged an operating income of over +$10 million per year while their teams have lost over 60% of their games: Donald Sterling and Jerry Reinsdorf.
Yeah, but much like a...
reverse vasectomy, it hurts like blinkin’ hell!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 20, 2010 7:42 PM CDT up reply actions
And I still hate Wisconsin more than Purdue!
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
American football = Penn State lines up in a 4-4, Wisconsin runs right straight damn the torpedoes ahead, no gain on the play.
Circa 2008.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
Former Senator McCarthy (R-WI)
is rolling in his grave right now, watching the dirty commie Bret Bielema masquerade as a “patriot” of this great nation.
I find it hard to believe that he never started a motion to get Wisky to change their colors, because he was obviously the only one truly aware of the potential horrors of Marxism, including something as “benign” as symbolic colors.
Let him roll.
Charlie McCarthy had more sense in his head than did Joe “I See Red People” Mac.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 20, 2010 9:48 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
You know what else is communist?
COMMIES. the whole stinkin lot of them are commie communists. where’s the press? where’s the coverage? Has the Educational-Industrial Complex papered over the whole communist infiltration of the communist party?!?!!?
True story: One time I actually gave in to one of the self-avowed communists on Pentacrest who was selling copies of Daily Worker for $0.50. I agreed to buy it and offered her a dollar. She had no change. Literally, none. Apparently no one had ever purchased a copy before so she was unprepared. She suggested I buy two, but I asked her to just give me one for free, as a comrade in the struggle. She refused because “they cost money to make and we can’t afford to just give them away.” That taught me more about Communism than any class I had. Then this post came a long and taught me more.
Communist Commies.
The Educational-Industrial Complex...
…is socialist (that includes publicly funded Universit… oh shit).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 20, 2010 9:46 AM CDT up reply actions
So …… the obvious question would be what nefarious purpose did you have in your heart to chat up a young communist lass? Important information is missing.
Looking to get access to the means of production?
Her instruments of labor? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more!
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 20, 2010 11:56 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Any Monty Python reference is welcome here!
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Oct 20, 2010 12:52 PM CDT up reply actions
Back in my day
the commie girls literally didn’t know one end of a razor from the other. They were literally hairy high and low. Literally.
"Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
Later on, you showed her Old Glory!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 20, 2010 11:55 AM CDT up reply actions
I was waiting for him to ask why Bielema is badmouthing the United States of America
before having us all walk out humming the Star Spangled Banner.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Oct 20, 2010 9:06 AM CDT reply actions
I think Jacobi forgot another disclaimer.
“This post is brought to you by Jeremiah Weed’s Sweet Tea Vodka.”
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I was about to note, and will anyway
that it appears Jacobi is now fully back on his “medication”.
In Norm we trust.
I was wondering about that
Does the, ahem, sudden tone shift imply that he wasn’t on his “meds” and then went back on them, or that he was on them and then was coming down?
Either way, consistent dosage is always the key
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 21, 2010 2:54 AM CDT up reply actions
hahaha
when u say communism, you said it all.
by wiskytech on Oct 20, 2010 9:09 AM CDT reply actions 2 recs
All I need is a Bud Song reference and I'm onboard
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 20, 2010 11:53 AM CDT up reply actions
If you wanna be a commie
just come along with me
By the bright shining hammer and sickle
Brunettes not fighter jets
Ok I see where you are going,
Bielema(I hope I spelled this wrong my Cyrillic is horrible) is Stalin.
That makes Alvarez(who played at Nebraska and what is their color? The Domino Effect is real!!!) Lenin
I guess Bennett is Khruschev.
Jason Bohannon would be Aldritch Ames or a Rosenberg or that other FBI guy.
We both fight over the rotting corpse of Minnesota, and have essentially carved them up between us like postwar Germany.
My head is starting to hurt from all of the parallels.
Everybody wants a little milk of Michael
Sam Okey is Ethel Rosenberg, right?
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Oct 20, 2010 9:17 AM CDT up reply actions
Probably.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 9:35 AM CDT up reply actions
Hey, you take that back!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 20, 2010 11:53 AM CDT up reply actions
Can Steve Alford be Alger Hiss?
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 9:36 AM CDT up reply actions
I was hoping:
That Alford could be Trotsky, anyone have an icepick?
New Mexico is a good comparison to Mexico City
Everybody wants a little milk of Michael
How deep does this rabbit hole go?
Within a year of Mr. Stanzi stepping on campus, [redacted] scuttled away to New Mexico whose color is-you guessed it-red, and whose message board is called The Red Menace!
Thank the good lord we have patriots like Ricky on the front lines rooting out such treachery!
"You think you can take me? Go ahead on. It's your move." -- Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Oct 20, 2010 11:34 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Ugh...
…let’s leave the Rosenbergs out of this. As far as I can tell, the only thing they were guilty of is not loving American malls and the American suburbs… and being communist.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 20, 2010 9:42 AM CDT up reply actions
Ok
Can we have Pollard be Neville Chamberlain?
“We will have a BIg 12 in our time! They siggned this!!!’
Everybody wants a little milk of Michael
Maybe Ethel.
VENONA wasn’t very kind to Julius.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 10:23 AM CDT up reply actions
Sorry, the smart ass in me couldn't resist.....
Democrats did blah, blah, blah….Republicans said blah. blah, blah….everybody else went yadda, yadda, yadda!!
(After that disclaimer, I had to. I simply couldn’t resist. Please don’t banhammer me, I’m just trying to be funny!)
After all it is election season.
Bulimia spouted off like a politician. He’s trying to make everyone believe that his team is American. When in reality it is nothing more than propaganda. You commie BASTARD! The red “W” is nothing more than an upside down “M”, and the red “M” stands for MARXISM! Coincidence? I think not. There o-line is like a wall, maybe the Berlin wall?Again, coincidence? I ask you Mr. Alverez, Tear down this wall! True americans rise up and stop this red menace for the sake of America, the red-white and blue and apple pie.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
That offensive line ...
like a squad of KV tanks destroying a village of innocents in Poland.
Bastards!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 20, 2010 12:00 PM CDT up reply actions
You're focusing on the wrong commies
it’s obviously a Manchurian Candidate scenario where Mrs. Iselin (Barry Alvarez, i know it’s a stretch because he’s more attractive in a dress than Angela Lansbury) is at war with Senator Jordan (Kirk Ferentz) and uses a buffonish Senator Iselin (Bret Bielema) to confuse people about true American football. They plot to use Raymond Shaw (JJ Watt, supposedly a transfer from a small Michigan school but really from a Beijing prep academy) to harm Ricki Stanzi. However the whole thing is now foiled by a handsome and heroic Marco Bennet (Adam Jacobi, who bears more than a passing resemblance to a young Frank Sinatra).
This is much better than the 2004 sequel with Denzel Washington.
We're gonna need a montage. Ooh, it takes a montage.
by The Mario Pace Experience on Oct 20, 2010 10:27 AM CDT reply actions
On a side note, what’s with the 365 days a year crap? On Saturday night, ok, but repeated references just sound stupid.
Jacobi is off his meds?
Seems to me like he’s close to OD-ing on his meds…
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
RE: Ground game as "American"
While the US has always prided itself for having an elite army, it’s airpower that has set us apart in so many conflicts. Just one question; if Rick Stanzi is a B-29 Superfortress, between McNutt and DJK, who is Fat Man and who is Little Boy?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
"We will bomb Wisconsin until no two bricks remain mortared together."
We ain't making no goddamn cornflakes here."
- Col. Charlie Beckwith, founder of Delta Force
Well, Fat Man had more kilotons
so I’m inclined to go with DJK for that one, in light of his new record. Which would make McNutt Little Boy by default.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Oct 20, 2010 12:55 PM CDT up reply actions
Fat Man, however, was less effective in damage than Little Boy
They had clear weather for Hiroshima, and the bomb hypocenter was above a flat area. Nagasaki was actually a tertiary target – and Fat Man landed between a couple of hills, which blunted the effects of the blast, although it was more powerful as predicted.
Richard Rhodes series of books on the bomb – First one is on WWII, second is on the Cold War, third is on disarmament with Gorbachev – very good reading on the subject.
Guess what?! I got a fever, and the only prescription...is more cowbell!!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 20, 2010 4:35 PM CDT up reply actions
I just thought of this ...
The East is Red, favored song of the Chinese communists.
Wisconsin is ~ wait for it ~ EAST of Iowa.
So, so devious.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 20, 2010 12:09 PM CDT reply actions
So Minny is China?
Wal-Mart sells a lot of things from Minnesota.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 20, 2010 12:12 PM CDT up reply actions
No no no
You have it wrong, Minny is Germany and divided up amongst us and Wiscy. I think that tOSU is probably China what with their red and overpowering menace and all
Everybody wants a little milk of Michael
Beautiful.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
So good.
Those sweats encourage Barry’s nether regions to engage in glasnost.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 20, 2010 12:50 PM CDT up reply actions
My new favorite BHGP photoshop.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 12:51 PM CDT up reply actions
So this was a photo taken before he had it removed?
Finally we have hard evidence!
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Oct 20, 2010 12:56 PM CDT up reply actions
and again...
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 20, 2010 1:20 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Ask and you shall receive
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 20, 2010 4:58 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Red x
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 5:55 PM CDT up reply actions
Just yesterday on one of the college football "experts" round table discussion shows...
they were talking about Iowa Football and Chris Spielman said that, Ricky Stanzi’s ‘America Love It Or Leave It’ quote last year was one of “the greatest Bowl quotes of all time.” So, who plays American Football now, eh, Bulimia?
We ain't making no goddamn cornflakes here."
- Col. Charlie Beckwith, founder of Delta Force
Comrade Bielema
“American Football? Pttttttewey, we learned real futbol defending Stalingrad!”
"Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
by Kluginator on Oct 20, 2010 12:14 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
All this talk reminds me of the Fallout 3 game
“Communism is a lie!”—Liberty Prime
"You think you can take me? Go ahead on. It's your move." -- Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Oct 20, 2010 1:06 PM CDT reply actions
"Obstruction detected. Composition: Wisconsin running game supplemented by faux Iowa defense.
Probability of mission hindrance: zero percent."
"Mr. Clayborn, tear down this wall!"
Points toward Wisconsin’s offensive line.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Oct 20, 2010 1:17 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
It's a weird post, but at least he didn't comment on his sexual activity again.
Mr. Boh Knows ...
by Bellanca on Oct 20, 2010 3:24 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
I'm glad I don't know what you're talking about.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 5:55 PM CDT up reply actions
Damn you.
If we Purdue fans didn’t have such a strong hate for our storied rivals, I’d be in love you all of you at BHGP right now.
Brilliant stuff…I mean, Iowa stinks.
Feel the hate.
Guess what?! I got a fever, and the only prescription...is more cowbell!!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 20, 2010 4:38 PM CDT up reply actions
This remimds me...
Where are the “We are at war with Purdue. We have always been at war with Purdue” t-shirts? Seems a no-brainer.
Oceania
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Oct 20, 2010 5:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Well get them over here, DANGIT!
This place is missing out on a license to print money with that one. DANGIT!
I'd buy one.
OK ...one time Randy Beaman had to take baths with his brother ... so one time his little brother took a potty in the bathtub ... and now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself. 'K. Bye
Now THAT is a classic BHGP post!
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Oct 20, 2010 6:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Definitely one of my favorites.
“Okay, dinosaur, you might want your dinosaur racecar, but are you willing to work for it?” And if the dinosaur says no, forget him or her. Dinosaur racecars are only for hard-working dinosaurs.
Fucking brilliant.
I'm dead serious about everything in that post.
http://www.blackheartgoldpants.com/2010/2/24/1324913/off-topic-dinosaur-racecars
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
Jacobi have you ever heard of Dorito's Dino Dash?
It came pretty close to fulfilling your fantasies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPaJYZqRr2Y
Side note: Dinosaur NASCAR just ended my hopes of studying for this midterm tomorrow.
by A True Americanzi on Oct 20, 2010 8:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Somehow I missed this post
I read it and laughed my ass off at work. People stopped at my cell desk and asked what was so funny. I couldn’t talk as I had tears of joy and laughter streaming down my cheeks.
Anyway, even tho it is late, Bravo, Bravo!
TOUCHDOWN IOWA! TOUCHDOWN IOWA! - Gary Dolphin
I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! - Jim Zabel
a Soviet to the core, and haters gonna hate
All this makes me think is
In heaven there is no beer. This isn't heaven, it's Iowa.
Aagh! Red xs everywhere.
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2010 9:20 PM CDT up reply actions
It's better now. Weird
"Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 21, 2010 7:59 AM CDT up reply actions
When it comes to things that are very American...
Wisconsin beats Iowa in only one area:
Getting Fatter.
I cite the pics of Bielema and Alvarez, and John Clay’s bio.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
Keep this shit up
and Mary Sue Coleman will return
Greg Marmalard: But Delta's already on probation.
Dean Vernon Wormer: They are? Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
Animal House, 1978
The ultimate 80's enemy of all things Red Soviet...
started his career with a job broadcasting University of Iowa home football games for the Hawkeyes. That would be one Ronald Wilson Reagan. (not being political – I swear)
Yeah, back in the 1930's (!!!HE WAS OLD!!!)...
…unfortunately he left a few years before Nile started kicking ass.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 21, 2010 5:11 PM CDT up reply actions
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