Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to Michigan!

10. Bye Means Sell. Iowa is 2-4 after the so-called "bye week" under Ferentz. Even that idiot from Mad Money can predict this outcome, yep...Bulls make money. Bears make money. Hawks get slaughtered.

9. Rushmore. Denard Robinson's per game rushing average is all of seven yards fewer per game than Iowa's...entire team. Oh snap.

8. Irresistible Force Paradox. What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? Iowa is #4 in total defense nationally while Michigan is #3 in total offense. Logic dictates that it's impossible to have these two entities -- a force that cannot be resisted and an object that cannot be moved by any force -- in the same universe much less on the same football field. But present this match-up as an example to any first-year physics student and you'll discover that determining a winner between these two is hardly paradoxical, as an irresistible force will pass straight through the immovable object, allowing for the irresistible force to remain irresistible and the immovable object to remain immovable. Translation: Expect Denard to rip Clayborn a new asshole.

7. Embarrassment of Rich(es). Michigan is led by Rich Rodriguez. Beat that, Iowa.

6. Depth Finder. No one will admit it, but the future of potentially the most talented team Kirk Ferentz has ever assembled could very easily ride on an 18-year-old true freshman coming off a clavicle injury that prohibited him from practicing until a mere three weeks ago. Iowa's running game is in a remarkably fragile state, which means the potential for Iowa to remain a balanced attack is precarious, at best. See, if you take away ARob, you take away the run. Then, if you take away the run, you take away any chance for balance. Finally, if you take away balance, then your left with Mel Gibson. And you're not getting out of Ann Arbor with a Mel Gibson offensive attack.

5. SNAFU. Situation Norm? All Fucked Up. No defensive Norm-alcy for another week, means expect some unpleasant shit. To scheme against Michigan's offense demands the collective brainpower of a NASA think tank, or Norm Parker. The man sees these games as child's play. At some point this season, we've been told, Parker will return...but unfortunately that's not soon enough.  To this point Iowa's defense has been in able assistant hands, but then again they've faced teams with little to offer in the way of innovation or danger. This week, Iowa is facing an offense that would make Ernő Rubik proud. Expect Iowa to asplode trying to solve Michigan's puzzling QB isolation rushing attack.

4. Royalty. Most wins in all of college football, all-time? Michigan. Best winning percentage in all of college football, all-time? Michigan. Most wins in the Big Ten, all-time? Michigan. Best Big Ten home winning percentage, all-time? Michigan. Most national championships by a Big Ten team, all-time? Michigan. Team in which Iowa has it's worst winning percentage, Big Ten? Michigan. You see where this is going, right? Michigan. Most winning seasons, all-time? Michigan. Most undefeated seasons, all-time? Michigan. Shall I keep going? Michigan. Most televised football team, all-time? Michigan. The longest streak in home...

3. Conservatism. Iowa's offensive approach can fairly be described as a cross between William F. Buckley, Jr. and a grey suit with wing tips, it's an offensive philosophy that embraces a punt from the opponent's 35-yard line. If Iowa thinks it's going to win in Ann Arbor with vanilla schemes and unadventurous play calling they're about as nutty as a Lohan. Just look at how Rich Rod's avant-garde ways have revolutionized this league. Just look I tell ya. Hey, I'm talking to you!

2. Road Rules. Iowa on the road this year has been a dumpster fire. Sure, it's only one game. But doesn't that make it all the more disconcerting? The Hawkeyes knew they had to focus and pull it together for all of one single game (one!) over the entire first half of the season, just one piddly road game, and yet they...tanked, blew it, fucked up, dropped the ball, shit the bed, muffed it, chocked, gagged, fubared, went belly up, crashed and burned, screwed the pooch...expect plenty more road rash this Saturday.

1. KOK. Need I say more?

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