Iowa Picks Up Commitment From Hitchens at Strong Safety

We're happy to announce Iowa's latest (and possibly last) commitment of the season. In response to David Cato's inevitable transfer, Iowa offered a safety in every sense of the word: he plays safety, and he was a safety pick, one who wouldn't have been offered unless something went wrong (see Cato, David). And fortunately, we were able to secure an exclusive interview with the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Hitchens!

Hitchens2_medium

Iconhitchens_medium What in the fuck do you want.

Iconbhgp_medium Well, we just... did we... did we catch you at a bad time? Normally people don't respond to our requests in the shower.

Iconhitchens_medium No, I'm just enjoying a cigarette. You're fine.

Iconbhgp_medium Is this--I'm sorry for dwelling on this, but you're rubbing soap all over yourself.

Iconhitchens_medium Yes. And having a cigarette.

Iconbhgp_medium And buck fucking naked.

Iconhitchens_medium I enjoy simple pleasures in life. Now do you have a question or not, because I've many more important things to think about than some banal, jejune sporting website. Make it quick.

Iconbhgp_medium Well, okay. Why, if you compiled such gaudy statistics as a running back, do you think you're best served on defense?

Iconhitchens_medium First things first, I haven't got the foggiest what a "running back" nor do I care to hazard a guess. If it implies cowardice or moral equivalence, you're tragically misinformed, as Americans so often are.

Iconhitchens_medium As for defense my record's impeccable, far more so than conventional wisdom and popular opinion have fared over the course of the years. I've been right about both wars, I've been right about Osama bin Laden, I've been--

Iconbhgp_medium Wait, hang on. We don't really talk politics here at BHGP. It's one of our two taboo subjects--way too divisive. Nothing good ever comes of it. Let's get to a different topic. Anything other...

Iconhitchens_medium May we discuss the cruel, pernicious influence of religion on modern society? Only the most awful of cretins--

Iconbhgp_medium ...and there's the other. No religion, man!

Iconhitchens_medium Have you gone mad? What on earth would be the use of interviewing me with those topics declared out of bounds? Also, I assume you've got Scotch and your inability to ply me with it is just an ill-executed practical joke.

Iconbhgp_medium Well we--talk to Hawkeye State about the whiskey, he's good for it--

Iconhitchens_medium Thanks. Cheers.

Iconbhgp_medium --we wanted to talk about football.

Iconhitchens_medium Do you mean the African Cup of Nations, a nonsensical, inconsequential charade amid humanitarian conditions that are beyond repair and only declining? Is that your concern with the African continent, you cretin?

Iconbhgp_medium The, um, the football you play.

Iconhitchens_medium I've so many more heads of fundamentalists, despots, and Arsenal fans I'd rather kick than a footy ball.

Iconbhgp_medium Wait... are you not going to play safety for the Iowa Hawkeyes in the fall?

Iconhitchens_medium I am a 60-year old native of Portsmouth without so much as a casual concern for American football. Also, I have been rubbing soap over my prodigious, liquor-engorged torso for the better part of 20 minutes.

Iconbhgp_medium Right. We feel dumb. But who's this "Hitchens" character we need to talk to?

Iconhitch2_medium Yo.

Hitch_medium

Iconhitch2_medium Alex Hitchens. Call me "Hitch."

Iconbhgp_medium Wait, you look familiar.

Iconhitch2_medium Yeah, so do you. You look like a cat I talked to a while back who was short, dumpy, and hopeless. I helped him out and I bet I can help you. Here's the first thing about women...

Iconbhgp_medium Wait, hang on, I'm 6'2"!

Iconhitch2_medium 6'1".

Iconbhgp_medium Whatever, I'm wearing shoes. So, I hope you're the person I want to talk to.

Iconhitch2_medium I get that all the time.

Iconbhgp_medium So, says here you're from Ohio.

Iconhitch2_medium Well, technically, that's true, but....

Iconbhgp_medium But...

Iconhitch2_medium ...iiiiiin...

Iconfreshprince_medium WEST PHILADELPHIA I WAS BORN AND RAISED

Iconfreshprince_medium ON A PLAYGROUND'S WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS

Iconbhgp_medium God fucking damn it.

Iconfreshprince_medium CHILLIN' OUT MAXIN' RELAXIN' ALL COOL AND ALL

Iconfreshprince_medium SHOOTIN' SOME FOOTBALL OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL

Iconbhgp_medium That doesn't even make sense!

Iconfreshprince_medium WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS SAID WE'RE UP TO NO GOOD

Iconfreshprince_medium STARTED MAKIN' TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

Iconfreshprince_medium I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FOOTBALL AND MY MOM GOT SCARED

Iconhitchens_medium Good heavens. I don't mean to interrupt this delightful tale, but I'm afraid I've lost my pants again. Have you got any more scotch?

Iconfreshprince_medium AND SAID YOU'RE FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL

Iconbhgp_medium I hate this job.

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