Great Moments in 2000's Iowa Football, No. 5 -- In Which Kyle Calloway Proves That Drinking and Mopeds Do Not Mix
With the 2009 season complete, BHGP looks back at the ten most sublimely absurd moments of the past decade for this sublimely absurd team, counting them down over the next two weeks.
Police say Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway was arrested early Saturday morning and charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated.
Calloway was arrested after officers stopped him while he driving a moped into a barricaded area.
Police say Calloway was given a field sobriety and a breathalyzer test, which registered 0.106. The legal limit in Iowa is 0.08.
Iowa City Police Sgt. Mike Lord says Calloway cooperated with police and acknowledged he drank seven or eight beers.
Granted, he's also a world-class dumbass, since (1) driving while drunk is stupid (and dangerous, of course), (2) driving a moped while drunk is even dumber, and (3) driving past police cars responding to an accident while drunk and on a moped is really idiotic. But no one was hurt, Calloway duly served his one-game suspension against UNI, and we can all point and laugh at a fat guy making a hilariously dumb lapse in judgment.
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Didn't I read that it was his 21st or 22nd birthday?
Not that this makes it less dumb (please Kyle, don’t read this then find me and break me) but slightly more understandable.
If I remember correctly he reported to the police that he’d downed somewhere in the vacinity of 6-8 beers (which, to be fair, is like two or three to you and me). But unless he rode through the area screaming like a Mongolian warrior on horseback (James Ferentz would like a word with you Kyle) I gotta say this is typical weekend police work from the ICPD. So he rode through your “crime scene”- – big deal, I’ve seen a lot worse on those CSI pieces of shit shows. I wonder if any of the cops were wearing micro-skirts.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 2:45 PM CST reply actions
So ICPD police r dicks?
great i have that 2 look 4ward 2 next year @ iowa
"I believe I have the total package of speed, strength, and explosion," Adrian F@#kin Clayborn
by DportROTCHawki on Jan 25, 2010 3:10 PM CST up reply actions
Just walk and and don't be loud.
and they won’t even pay attention to you.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Jan 25, 2010 3:27 PM CST up reply actions
That works most places
Ergo, act like a normal human being and you’ll be pretty much ignored.
Unless you get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, and like, wrap it around a tree or another human being or something.
Cops will hand out tickets here in Midtown for riding your bicycle while drunk; never happened to me – I wouldn’t be stupid enough to ride a bike or drive drunk (at least now – I did it a few times in IC and it was abysmally stupid) – but I know people that have gotten tickets (or people that know people).
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 25, 2010 6:12 PM CST up reply actions

"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 25, 2010 11:25 PM CST up reply actions
Ha. I love the picture but I'm trying to get the reference...
I know its from the Matrix 2…
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 10:35 AM CST up reply actions
The Architect uses the word ergo three or four times.
I’ve made a trend out of posting that picture anytime people use that word.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 26, 2010 12:36 PM CST up reply actions
Ah.
The first Matrix movie was seriously great. I knew next to nothing about what they were going to do with the sequels, but before they came out, I said to my friends “I sure hope the 2nd and 3rd movies don’t end up making the whole Matrix sound like some kind of lame videogame.”
Which is exactly what the whole damn thing was.
So, I just watch the original movie and try to forget the rest of it.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 9:21 PM CST up reply actions
The original is such a mindfuck.
I actually enjoy the sequels, but simply for what they are and their continuation of the story. They don’t even come close in comparison to the first though… in any way (filmmaking, philosophical concept, etc).
Seriously, sit down sometime and try to make sense of the inital conversation between Morpheus and Neo up until the point where Neo freaks out and pukes. Mind-boggling. It’s got super Cartesian undertones and tons of existential concepts laden throughout it.
Ok… I’m done.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 27, 2010 12:53 AM CST up reply actions
Yup.
Nothing to do with football (though I’m convinced KOK is an existential philosopher- – at least he makes me feel like Sartre), but the first Matrix is great. I barely remember the other two (except the line about speaking French being like wiping your ass with silk- – good line).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 27, 2010 11:40 AM CST up reply actions
I was arrested in University Heights while walking quietly for "impersonating a drunk."
I wasn’t doing anything outrageous, but it was 2 am on Mardi Gras, so I imagine the cops assumed all walkers were drunks. I was helping my roommate get home (from Jakes to Mormon Trek) and we’d made it most of the way without trouble. Apparently our mistake was crossing the street near the UH police station, resulting in our first visit with the arresting officers. After explaining to the cops that we were just minutes from home and were of legal drinking age, we were told to be on our merry way. Later, those same cops chased a car up the UH hill and turned around, only to find us still walking and me carrying a for sale sign that I’d found in the street. That was mistake #2, and was enough to bring out the breathalyzer. My roommate blew a .21, and a blew a paltry .079. We were both arrested and taken to Johnson County, but since I was legally sober, I was charged with impersonating a drunk instead of public intoxication.
We decided it’d be best to just suck it up and spend the next 8 hours in jail, only to find out that the drunk tank was near full, and I had to lay my mat near the shower. Obviously no one slept that night and it was one of the more hilarious evenings I spent in Iowa City. I just wish it hadn’t cost me just shy of $200. My accounting professor was not amused when I had to explain why I missed our test the next morning.
by The Mexican't on Jan 25, 2010 7:03 PM CST up reply actions
Interesting story...
My own comment would be grabbing the For Sale sign… probably a mistake. IC/UH cops are always looking for an excuse to arrest someone. Its how they raise revenue since they can’t directly tax you for being a student in IC.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 25, 2010 8:29 PM CST up reply actions
The cop accused me of taking it from someone's yard.
Which wasn’t the case. Even so, people always look at me like I’m full of shit when I tell them I was arrested for impersonating a drunk. Hell, even the lawyer in the family had to look it up to make sure I wasn’t full of shit.
by The Mexican't on Jan 25, 2010 9:26 PM CST up reply actions
Yup...
…an IC cop threatened to take me in for I.A.D. when I was in high school and I thought he was full of shit. Later I worked with a guy at The Den- – who went on to become Student Body President, later worked as an advocate, and is now in D.C. fighting the man- – who informed me of many arcane and/or Orwellian I.C. laws (this was pre-PATRIOT ACT, which should have all of the bad stuff stripped and be renamed the Stanzi Act). He informed me about knock-and-talks, the bean-bag guns, and let me know that you can be arrested for having a crumpled pop can in the back seat of your car because it MAY have been used to smoke pot high-school-steamroller style (my father-in-law is an ex-IC-Cop and assures me it has been used by officers who are still on payroll).
On the other hand, nowadays most college towns are Fascist Police States (if memory serves, HawkeyeState’s Gray Goose was sacrificed to fascism), so it’s just par for the course.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 11:24 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I do think you're right
There is a lot of over-reaction, which ends up making bad behavior worse rather than better. If you’re going to get busted no matter what you do, what’s the point of behaving in the first place?
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 10:36 AM CST up reply actions
+1
For most college towns are Fascist Police States
"We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that." -- take a guess
Even places that barely count as "towns"
The police department in Lexington, VA (where I went to law school) are funded ENTIRELY out of fines and citiations levied. Needless to say, that makes them incredibily quick to write someone up. A favorite tactic was to follow someone home from the bar (yes, there was only one) and the second someone made a misstep or a slight stumble, they’d be there to arrest them, take them to jail and issue a Drunk In Public citation. Which of course only had the effect of encouraging people to DRIVE home from the bar, the cops were weirdly loss eager to follow cars (of course, one had to park away from the bar). All in all, just a ridiculous use of police “resources”
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
You poor bastard. I've been to Lexington, VA
How did you survive? Or did you actually study?
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 9:22 PM CST up reply actions
(1) An insane amount of alcohol (mostly bourbon)
and (2) no, not at all. Which may explain a few things now.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I have a friend who was pulled over and nearly arrested in University Heights...
for throwing a cigarette out his car window in the middle of -20 degree weather. The cop told him he was going to be charged with “throwing an incendiary device”. Until my buddy, who is a pre-law student and a big time liberal, informed him that there is no way in fucking Wonderland that the cop could ticket let alone arrest him on those grounds. The cop proceeded to ask my friend to step out of the car… you can guess where it goes from there… my buddy asks why, and the cop of course tells him why… and my friend tells him exactly why he can’t do that (no reason to pull him over, since he was going the speed limit, throwing your cigarette out the window isn’t illegal, etc etc etc) and the UH cop eventually goes back to his car and writes a warning to my friend.
Long story short, fuck University Heights and fuck their way of attempting to gain revenue for the pitiful excuse for a township.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 25, 2010 11:30 PM CST up reply actions
But where else will the administrators live?
Friend pulled over and ticketed for going 1 MPH over the speed limit coming DOWN that fucking hill.
BTW that story is awesome. I love making a cop work for their revenue. Standing in 20 degree weather and having nothing to show for it – I bet he was pissed.
Don’t get me wrong, some cops are awesome, but they are few and far between, and becoming more rare since cops are getting trained military style. (Not a knock against the military, just their tactics are meant for battle/war, not policing our citizenry. /Posse Comitatus’d)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 11:37 PM CST up reply actions
Wow...
…not sure what happened there. I just hit a negative sign in front of the 20. Weird.
My inter-tube-nets are fucking with me.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 11:38 PM CST up reply actions
If you dash word dash the SBN software treats it like a strikethrough command.
word
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Thanks...
…I’m just a monkey on a keyboard over here. One day I’ll figure out how to post pictures and then you’ll all be in trouble.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 26, 2010 8:22 AM CST up reply actions
cant u just do copy & paste?
its awesome that i started this whole convo on bad cops evn though evry1 on this site has started a long talk. It was my 1st time starting one so i am not a comment startin virgin it feels good
"I believe I have the total package of speed, strength, and explosion," Adrian F@#kin Clayborn
by DportROTCHawki on Jan 26, 2010 7:02 PM CST up reply actions
totes
I know rite?
MORE ZAZZ! I DEMAND MORE ZAZZ!
by Bucketochicken on Jan 26, 2010 10:04 PM CST up reply actions
UH cops are ridiculous
I used to live off Mormon Trek, so I’ve been pulled over for 1 mph over the limit coming down the hill. I asked the cop if I could see the radar, he showed me and it said I was actually one under, so got away from that ticket.
Another time I was going one under and the cop was tailgating me to the point that I couldn’t see his headlights in my rearview to try and push me over the limit. I slowed down, pulled over a little and waved him around me. He passed and shot me a glare then sped off as I went on my merry way.
It wasn’t uncommon for me to drive a few blocks out of my way just to avoid that hell-hole of a strip of road.
I want to beat the teeth out of your mouth for typing like that.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Jan 25, 2010 3:42 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I can't tell if he's simply mobile commenting
Or hates spelling. I tried to refrain from making any comments, however, because I didn’t want to be that guy that harasses all the new members.
by The Mexican't on Jan 25, 2010 5:36 PM CST up reply actions
No, it says "via mobile" in the message info if that's what you're doing.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Jan 26, 2010 12:10 AM CST up reply actions
Like so.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Jan 26, 2010 12:13 AM CST via mobile up reply actions
Interesting.
I’d never noticed. Thanks, boss.
by The Mexican't on Jan 26, 2010 9:00 PM CST up reply actions
Alright no text comments its just habit
unless its a paper for school or something i generally write like that. just got here man cut me some slack
"I believe I have the total package of speed, strength, and explosion," Adrian F@#kin Clayborn
by DportROTCHawki on Jan 26, 2010 7:04 PM CST up reply actions
This is a message board
not a text message board
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Jan 25, 2010 3:43 PM CST up reply actions
Wat.....
U gt 2 b joking.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Jan 25, 2010 3:50 PM CST up reply actions
I hate to say this...
but you may have to get used to idiotspeak lolspeak. It seems to be growing too much to be controlled. Just do like I do, and don’t even read those posts.
Not here
We will burn this place down. We brought BHGP into this world, and we can take it out.
/Cosby’d
Seriously, it doesn’t need to be Shakespearean prose, but it takes another half-second to type the actual fucking word. So do that.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Jan 25, 2010 3:58 PM CST up reply actions
You can't deprive the world
of BHGP hilarity because of a few “i r smrt” window lickers. I would never be able to make it through another offseason with my sanity intact.
Hey now.....
my window tastes like strawberries, thank you very much.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Jan 25, 2010 4:20 PM CST up reply actions
The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Police said the student donkey-kicked an officer after she was caught stealing vitamins from a downtown store.
Violet! You're turning blue!
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 10:37 AM CST up reply actions
Ugh...
It’s, “you’re turning violet, Violet.” Don’t you dare misquote the classics.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Jan 26, 2010 11:30 PM CST up reply actions
Leave the firearm, take the crunchy Italian dessert
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Jan 27, 2010 5:45 AM CST up reply actions
That would be a helluva bonfire
"We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that." -- take a guess
Hey, I have Shakespearean prose in my new signature!
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 25, 2010 5:38 PM CST up reply actions
And I have Shakespearean prose
in my stool. I have not idea why they call it “Reader’s Digest”…
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Jan 26, 2010 3:08 AM CST up reply actions
Not necessarily dicks (okay, yeah, kinda sometimes)...
…but that SCOOTERS in crime scenes and broken parking ramp barricades, and half-naked rampaging alley-pissers aren’t all that out of the ordinary in the greater Iowa City metropolitan area. We been doin this shit for a LOOOOOONG time.
Just do us all a favor and don’t be that guy who’s getting carted out of Kinnick before half time because you partied harder than you could handle at the tailgate and passed out in the student section… it gives us all a bad name- – the student section is near the visitors section and it looks like we don’t know how to handle our booze or something.
Oh, and the BHGP tailgate drink of choice seems to be the Gray Goose white russian (or maybe thats just HawkeyeState) so stock up on that between now and then- – and have a good hiding spot in your dorm room (dry dorms, but the RAs aren’t Sherlock Holmes or anything… they’re too busy trying to schtupp your girl after making her some Mojitos, but they’re RAs so most of em are too lame and innept to get in any girl’s pants, even an underclassman).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 4:49 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah...
…that whole post was four sentences. And I was going to be an English major- – HA!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 4:50 PM CST up reply actions
Not enough commas
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Jan 25, 2010 5:42 PM CST up reply actions
That's what my professor said...
…right before I flashed him the Dangling Fruit Basket, kicked him in the ass and told him I was going to find Jack Kerouac’s Ghost to teach me syntax.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jan 25, 2010 11:30 PM CST up reply actions
Does anybody drink schnapps anymore, or was that an 80s thing?
I actually think – from coming back for games in 97 and 98 – that there was less obnoxious rude drunken behavior in the 80s, when people routinely snuck in alcohol (and it was pretty much winked winked anyway) and now… and this just isn’t Kinnick – where you see incredibly drunk people acting like complete asses at a sporting event where alcohol is restricted or banned.
I’m not anti-alcohol – but its like anything else, you’ve paid for your tickets (which ain’t cheap anymore), you want to have fun – and enjoy the game – and people who are at the point where they need to be carried out or escorted out – that’s not being a “fan having fun” that’s being an idiot.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 25, 2010 6:18 PM CST up reply actions
I think the problem
stems from the fact that in the past, we knew we could get alcohol in there and continue to drink. Now, if you don’t want to be sober in 3 hours, you know that you need to drink enough to carry you through.
That’s just asking for trouble.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Jan 25, 2010 7:29 PM CST up reply actions
It's like a time limit on an open bar
at a wedding. “Open bar until 9:00 PM” means at 8:55 slug as many drinks as you possibly can. Guaranteed about a quarter of your college friends will be passed out or puking by 9:45.
Not that I ever did anything like that…
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Jan 26, 2010 7:21 AM CST up reply actions
I woulndt do that cause then i would miss the game
whats the point of that because thats the reason im going to Iowa. Just kidding but it was a selling point & the fact that my tuition is free there gotta love ROTC scholarships
"I believe I have the total package of speed, strength, and explosion," Adrian F@#kin Clayborn
by DportROTCHawki on Jan 26, 2010 7:08 PM CST up reply actions
Gah...
…they’re scooters, not mopeds. mopeds have pedals. also, scooters are not environmentally friendly, they have much worse emissions than cars, they just use alot less gas. lastly, OMG, college 50 are dicks!!
Finally someone else who understands...
the difference between a scooter and a moped. And after all, doesn’t it sound even more comical when you say a fat guy on a scooter?
Not when this guy says it

(Ol’ Sunshine Scooter himself)
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Jan 25, 2010 4:28 PM CST up reply actions
Hey, isn't that Mel Brooks???
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 25, 2010 5:39 PM CST up reply actions
We just needed
someone from Sack-of-roaches, TX to tell us the difference.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Jan 26, 2010 11:28 PM CST up reply actions
sack-of-roaches
mwahahaha. Those roaches down there fly, you know. And they also like to dive bomb you from the ceiling when you yawn (fortunately that was my brother, not me).
You know, that fat guy could pay for his gas
By selling advertising on his ass.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
Calloway is strictly class
Any brash young man can make the mistake of drinking to excess, just as he can mistakenly view the scooter as a respectable means of transport. It takes maturity and composure, when faced with these two wrongs, to punt pylons and make it all so very, very right.
A class move from a great Hawkeye.
Just a thought
nickel beer at CHA might improve attendance
Or cause a riot. A bad one.
That made me snicker a bit.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 25, 2010 8:28 PM CST up reply actions
Win.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Jan 26, 2010 10:38 AM CST up reply actions
Every morning during FB season I drive into the Kinnick lot....
as a half dozen scooters exit the lot with two helmetless and shoeless football players on each scooter. I understand that this is totally legal but it surprises me that Ferents would be so careless of his investment. With all the time and money that goes into producing a starting big ten football athelete, why would they risk all of that to something as stupid as an unprotected scooter ride? They take all kinds of measures to protect these guys from contact in practice with pads and helmets then they let them ride around town. These things are accidents waiting to happen. Would suck to lose a kid for the season because they took an unprotected slide across the pavement at 30 miles per hour.
"I was late for some things as a kid, but I was never late for Iowa public television broadcasts of Iowa wrestling." Tom Brands
I'm shocked that none of them have been ticketed by UH cops yet.
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jan 25, 2010 11:34 PM CST up reply actions

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