BHGP Presents: Ask Norm Parker II

Periodically during the off-season, BHGP will present readers an opportunity to have Iowa legend Norm Parker answer one of their questions. We think it's an opportunity to educate and inform fans about the state of the Iowa football program, plus just let "Norm be Norm." Here is Norm's column from last season. Now, our lawyers insist that for legal reasons, we make it clear that none of this is not actually true, but we're pretty sure that anyone who's read BHGP for more than 5 seconds knows that already.

Dear Norm:

Do you think Amari Spievey should go pro? State College showed me he might have issues with deep coverage.

Paul W., North Platte, NE

Prostate? Yeah, I got that checked once. Went to the doctor and he was all, I gotta check the ol' prostate and I say fine, that's why I'm here. So get this: he tells me to take down my drawers so he can look in my butt! I'm not a lady, pal, and I don't pee outta my butt. I've crapped blood, but that's it. So I told him he could check me out up front like an adult and he refused. I had a good mind to wreck that smartass's office right then and there. But I'm scared of needles.

And besides, I didn't even really need it. I've got a fire hose down there. But I've been dribblin' since I was 20. You shake the damn hog for a minute and try not to get aroused, then soon as you zip up your slacks are all wet down your leg. Hope I'm not oversharing on that one, but hell, I don't care. You're all gonna be as old as me one day, you're gonna want to know this.

I gotta be honest, I don't mind my urinary habits. I only asked the guy because I saw these pill commercials, and they say that they could give me a decrease in semen. Fine by me! My boys are on overdrive. One time I had a climax that lasted for 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Plus the lady and I were trying a facial ejaculation. I almost drowned! By the way, she was insistent that she was supposed to take the load, but come on, people. I'm doing all the reward, I get the off-white shower. It makes sense.

So anyway, I start learning about crotch health on my own without some perv doctor feeling up my butt parts. Did you know that when you go streaking, 80% of your body heat leaves through the genitals? It's true. Learned it on the Internet. The guys on the team laughed when I told them, but I'll be damned if Riley Reiff isn't picking up a handful before every weekend. I bet it's for when he goes jogging. I wish more guys would take after that kid. And speaking of the Internet, I figure I'll just buy the damn pills off of it. Saves me the butt stuff. Only the wife gets to do that, and at least she doesn't pretend it's about some damn medicine.

Norm Parker is the defensive coordinator for the University of Iowa. His wife denies every single detail mentioned above.