Please Stop Implying That the Iowa State Wrestling Team Is Full of Wankers
by Adam Jacobi on Jan 12, 2010 3:49 PM CST
in News
22 comments
[Scene: a sparsely-roofed, manure-littered barn in the middle of Ames, Iowa. The words "MEDIA PAVILIEN" [sic] are painted onto the side of the barn. It is the most modern building in the entire city. Inside, reporters sit on cow carcasses and bales of hay, listening as a coach speaks about his team's latest defeat.]
Hi, everyone. Mind the rats. My name is Kevin Jackson, the Iowa State head wrestling coach. The previous sentence was in no way for the expository benefit of a narrative. No sir. I just always say that.
Awesome. So coach. You lost to Iowa again this season.
Yes, we did. 19-12 was the final score. It was our most humiliating defeat of all time. I'll probably pick up a cutting habit or something.
Sounds understandable.
Hey, did you guys see what Brent Metcalf did after his match?
Oh, you mean when he totally teabagged that Minnesota dude while he pinned him? Because that was awesome.
Wait, so you're just going to be passive-aggressive about it, like a child or a hostile ex-spouse or a talking head on CNN?
Pretty much.
Say, I saw it, Coach. He gave it the ol' J/O after he won. Probably had something to do with the fact that Mueller was stalling instead of wrestling for basically all three rounds.
I actually would have preferred if we didn't go there. Oh, and then did you guys hear Terry Brands?
No, Coach, but I assume you'll have something equally passive-aggressive to say about him.
I think Terry Brands is hilarious. I’m telling you. I’m focused on my guys and coaching my guys up. I wish you guys could put a mic down sometime because it’s pretty comical some of the things that go on close to that bench. It’s entertaining to say the least … We’ve been together for a long time and I’d never seen that side really. Maybe that’s his coaching style now. I don’t know.
Wait, why would you say all that if you're focused on your guys and coaching? And if you're so focused on that, why didn't you tell Jon Reader to try to break Morningstar's hold in the last eight seconds?
(shrugs ineffectually)
Look, all I'm saying is that you guys don't even pay attention to all the rude, offensive, and juvenile things the Iowa wrestling team does. Well--well look, Metcalf and Brands are over there right now.
(pays no attention to them)
Look! They're right there!
(does the jack off thing again)
Come on! People! Just look over there!
(does the slow jerk)
(finishes)
Don't finish! You never finish!
(continues staring blankly at Jackson)
Look! People! Look at them!
(pantomimes a seven-man blowjob)
(rips off shirt, reveals penis shaved into chest hair)
(farts into a megaphone)
(turns siren thing on megaphone on)
(throws sirening megaphone at a cow's head, knocking it unconscious)
Why aren't you people reporting this? This is outlandish behavior!
Sounds like someone's a sore loser.
What? No, I'm just saying--wait, what are they doing now?
(holds up old copy of Sports Illustrated from 1967)
Put that down! That's our library's oldest, most prized possession!
(cuts a few pieces out, tapes them back together, holds magazine back up)
That is over the line! You are making a mockery of this press conference, this school, and this sport!
I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson.
Well you ough
HOOO
I AM FO REEEEEEEEEAAAAL
sigh
Never meant to make the Cyclones cry
I apologize a trillion times
Ha, ha! These Hawkeye guys aren't so bad! I'm going to write a few more glowing reviews of these Iowa guys! Not like this sourpuss Mr. Jackson!
God damn it!
And a serial blasphemer to boot!
(start Eiffel Towering some chick dressed as the Statue of Liberty)
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It's a popular topic of discussion in a lot of places...
Like Retard Farms: http://www.cyclonefanatic.com/forum/wrestling/77932-metcalf-antics.html
Bully football is winning football.
Nothing screams "loser" quite like whining about poor sportsmanship.
You’d think ISU fans (not to mention Jackson & Co.) would be better-served to figure out how they could actually beat Iowa, particularly when Iowa is fielding a team without 3-4 starters. Then again, whining about trivial bullshit is, like, so much easier.
Big junkies come from little junkies.
We're being hypocritical
Last year after Caldwell was showboating, everybody here was pissed. It’s not quite the same since he was faking to win opposed to taunting after a dominate performance, but still, there’s no need for this, especially since we’re going to be seeing them again.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Jan 12, 2010 4:27 PM CST up reply actions
Metcalf wasn't showboating.
He was simply expressing his opinion of how he felt the match went. His motion may not have even been directed at Mueller or Jackson so much as his disgust over only winning the match by a decision. I’m not entirely sure what Brands did that upset KJ, but I don’t recall any taunting from the corner during the match.
Regardless, comparing Caldwell’s gymnastics to Metcalf’s wank is ludicrous, at best. Apples and oranges, I say.
by The Mexican't on Jan 12, 2010 4:31 PM CST up reply actions
If we spend the equivalent of NINE pages bitching about something like that, we'll be asshole losers, too.
The outrage over these “incidents” is ludicrous, especially when neither the ISU fans nor the Gazette article make much mention of Varner’s own douchebaggery (and it’s far from the first time he’s done something). Not that it’s anything new from ISU fans, though — they’ve been pissed about Brands/Gable for ages and since they can’t seem to ever beat Iowa in, well, anything they’re reduced to bitching about shit like this.
still, there’s no need for this, especially since we’re going to be seeing them again.
On the other hand, shit like this is also what gives rivalries their lifeblood.
Big junkies come from little junkies.
Their outrage is what makes that place so awesome.
e.g., many of them are firmly convinced the Iowa FB program controls the Johnson County court system, and purposefully had Clayborn’s trial pushed back in order for him to be able to play; which is just business as usual in the lawless, amoral, win-at-all-costs “EIU.”
But they’re not at all obsessed.
Bully football is winning football.
by Bucketochicken on Jan 12, 2010 4:53 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah
And I know I really shouldn’t be wasting time & neurons at that reeking garbage scow of a website, but I just can’t fucking help it. They’re just so… deranged. It’s a 24/7 slo-mo car wreck of bitterness, anger, resentment, petulence, insecurity, neurosis and irony. I just can’t stay away. It’s glorious.
Bully football is winning football.
by Bucketochicken on Jan 12, 2010 4:28 PM CST up reply actions
Christ on a crutch
is that thread still going? I guess when your guaranteed lock of a Sweet 16 basketball team is circling the drain you can bitch about Iowa beating ISUs brains in again yet again.
Then again, Iowa may lose to Tennessee State tonight. So yeah.
I read the gazette article this morning.
But this just makes it sooooo much better. I had to wipe away the tears of laughter.
Excellent!!!
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
/slow clap
Wow, just wow. The Outkast song coming in at the end was the clincher for me to lose it.
They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Jan 12, 2010 4:05 PM CST reply actions
Ditto.
I was grinning all the way thru, but when I read “Sorry Mr. Jackson” I nearly fell back in my chair.
Well done, OPS.
by The Mexican't on Jan 12, 2010 4:28 PM CST up reply actions
We need someone to put Metcalf's and Jackson's faces into that slow jerk video.
Since Brettt does finish up above.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Jan 13, 2010 11:36 AM CST up reply actions
I barely know anything about wrestling...
But that’s some funny shit… just got off the phone with a friend that’s crying from a messy breakup, and that brought my own mood back up. Thank you.
My blog: http://gretainthebox.blogspot.com
Ah, the glory of Ames.......
and the continual quest for second place. Fuck ’em.
Life is hard. It's really hard if you're stupid.
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