Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose…

10. Insecurity. After last week's performance we need a hug, and I doubt the Cyclones have inserted one into their game plan. But who wouldn't have low self-esteem after the national media beating we took for losing to...er, beating UNI. This is not the week to try to repair a fragile state of mind.

9. O-no-line. Our preseason strength just turned out to be a regular season nightmare. If UNI had four sacks, then God only knows how often Stanzi will be running for his life. Expect Stanzi to be sacked more often than a bottle of Clorox at the Hy-Vee. 

8. Minute Rice. Holy Fong! ISU pilfered superstar O-coordinator Tom Herman from the Rice Owls (and we all know that ISU is no Rice Owls). He has taken the spread offense and pumped it with human growth hormone. No huddles. Shifting. Motion. Shotgun. Quadruple Options. Double Salchows. Inward Summersaults. They got it all. And we...well, we will employ our defensive philosophy of bending over backward, while trying not to shatter into a thousand pieces.  

7. Cy-Hawk. Duh...it's not called the Hawk-Cy trophy for a reason.   

6. Greg Castillo. Against UNI Castillo was beaten worse than a piñata at a Yucatan Community College frat party. I half expect ISU to direct snap it to whomever he is covering.

5. Jewel. Is he still out? Oh Shit.

4. Reality Bites. A recent survey of the Iowa football team revealed that 9 out of 10 Iowa Hawkeye players believe that the ISU game is merely an annual exhibition to raise ISU campus morale and money for soybean awareness. Oh, but when Brett Greenwood was asked, he said he knew better. "Ah, those dopes. UNI's the exhibition game. Even Micah knows that."

3. Blame it on the (possibility of) Rain. It's more than just a 1980s Milli Vanilli dance club hit, it's an explanation for Iowa futility in the series. Iowa has displayed a remarkable inability to play well in the rain against the Clones. Forecast for Saturday? Mostly cloudy with a 70% chance of melancholy. 

2. Fork in the Rhoads. In 2007 when ISU head coach Paul Rhoads was the defensive coordinator at the Univ. of Pittsburgh he engineered the massive 13-9 upset of then-No. 2 West Virginia, costing the Mountaineers a chance to play in the NC game. Of course, a few weeks earlier Rhoads engineered a massive embarrassment against Navy in which Pitt allowed 500 yards of offense in a lopsided loss. Lesson? Rhoads eats a few more Wheaties before the big games.

1. DJ Fucking K. Need I say more?