[Bumped, obviously. -- Ed.]
AMES, IOWA -- Iowa State University Athletic Director, noting Indiana University's decision to sell one of their home games in 2010 to noted punk (and little man complex-afflicted) Daniel Snyder and FedEx Field, announced today that he was auctioning the entire 2009 Iowa State University football home schedule -- on eBay.
"Iowa State has long been an innovator in higher education," Pollard said. "Face it, we have the worst stadium in the Big XII, if there's a more idiotic mascot I don't know what it is, we play a one-game season each year against those guys from Iowa City, who for some reason are more concerned with winning their conference than beating us, and we -- well, no, I -- fired the only guy since Johnny Majors who had a clue as to building a D-I football program in Ames, Iowa. Oh, and our second best wrestler ever, who was our coach, would rather build a program than work for me. We're hurting here.
"Then, I couldn't sell tickets, so I started these three-fers, you know, selling three games for the price of two. Didn't work. Iowans just aren't ready for the big time.
"What to do? Well, we're ready for the big time. Here I am: courageous, self-centered, willing to cry in press conferences, and backed into a corner by my own dumbass harassment of two of the better coaches in ISU history. I guess I mentioned that already. I'm tearing up, this is very hard for me, I care so much ... Anyway ...
"A lot of cities and towns are underrepresented by college football, and at the same time offer a major league stadium experience. Couple that with the unpleasant reality that if we start out bad this year, by November there will be 21,000 confused fans (if we're lucky) in this drafty stadium, and a lot of them because they want the #4 with no pickles no onions large size and a Coke.
"It just seems to me, that in the spirit of John Vincent Atanasoff, Booker T. Washington, famed heirloom rose collector Griffith Buck, not to mention Interstate 35, which thankfully bypasses this modest town and gets us elsewhere quickly, and that's about all I can come up with to recommend this burg, it's time for us to get bold. It's a Cyclone state, but we may be playing our home games in Omaha, Cleveland, Toronto, or even Green Bay. Whoever wants to pay up. Bogota. Lagos. Chechniya. Money talks, and you never know. The Meadowlands? (That would be good for my career, and if you haven't noticed, this is all about me.) By the way, we'll change our uniform colors if you have a problem with our knock-off Trojan outfits."
Newly hired Cyclone coach Paul Rhoades, unshaven, sleep-deprived from two-a-days and vainly scanning his roster for D-I talent, offered this comment. "Should I be surprised? Well, we're talking about Ames and Jamie Pollard. He probably thinks that you pronounce "Nevada, Iowa" with a hard 'a'. He ran off Sanderson and McCarney. He cries in press conferences. He wishes he were back in Wisconsin. So, no, I guess I'm not surprised. You don't happen to have any offensive tackles laying around, do you? Just between you and me, I don't think we have a lot of fans in New Jersey I'd stay away from there."
Offensive coordinator Tom Herman, record-setting and self-proclaimed Mensa member, added, "What do I care? I'm 34, I live in my car, I'm smarter than you, and I will be working for Jon Gruden in 24 months when he is the first coach to bring the spread to the NFL."
A contrary opinion was offered by University of Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz. "I'm scratching my head on that one. I'm kinda like, and this is just me of course, take it for what it's worth, your mileage may vary, wow, are you writing this down?, no, don't ask me why or attempt a follow-up, you poodles, or you won't get back in here next week, remember Al Grady? my kinda guy, he was always in the mix there, I like getting my coffee at the same place every morning and having dinner at home with my wife. I mean, take this to its logical extreme. The Big Egg [Tokyo home of the Yomiuri Giants] could buy, for example, the Okey State game. They never shut up in that stadium. That place will give you a headache, all those teenagers in little plaid skirts chanting. You wouldn't even know who they were cheering for. Call me old school. I'm from Pittsburg. I'm too old to figure this out. But I don't want to commute to work on All Nippon Airlines."
Iowa athletic director Gary Barta, smiling and pointing cryptically at the new artificial surface in Kinnick Stadium, said, "Doesn't wear out. Any problem with a Sunday start? Cash, check, or Paypal?"