We're going to try to pick up the pieces after the news about Ed Thomas, which we're still in shock about. Here are some jokes; most of these were written before we heard the news, so none of this "now's not the time" business. Maybe it isn't, but it was the time three hours ago. Anyway.
Don't do this to us! We need easy jokes!: We may have an entry for Shortest Iowa Career Ever, though frankly, it's debatable whether it even started to begin with. Anthony Schiavone, a DE/TE (as roughly 75% of Iowa recruits are), joined the Hawkeyes this spring semester after graduating early... then promptly quit the team yesterday.
Pat Harty, you want to weigh in on this whole join the team early thing?
I don't agree with that theory because there is no evidence to support it and because you only go to high school once. So why be in a hurry to finish such an important and enjoyable part of your life? And besides, a college football player has four or five years to make his mark. That's enough time to prove yourself.
We've taken it easier on Harty over the past year because his writing has been unquestionably better, especially pertaining to basketball, but holy smoking tittyballs is that some incoherent copy. Construction, premise, determination, all one giant train wreck.
Look: if someone wants to go to college early, maybe they don't want to be in high school anymore. We sure enjoyed the summer after our senior year, and Harty probably did too. So did most 18-year-olds, because c'mon, you're 18 and it's warm out and you can do things like sleep until 10:30 a.m. and your lady classmates want to "hang out." Buuut suppose, for whatever reason, you'd prefer to be in college already. Friends are too immature, heard good things about Iowa City, eager to play some real ball... whatever. It happens. Everyone's got their own situation, and to apply blanket philosophy on 18-year-olds' decision-making is laughably insane.
But getting back to the topic at hand, Schiavone's departure means we're robbed of 4-5 years of opportunities to make gratuitous WCW references. We feel robbed. So here, have this video of Tony Schiavone (the one with the moustache) in his prime, knowing when to step aside and let Ric be Ric, and shed a tear for the Hawkeye who never was:
Not going to lie, we saw his name and just assumed he was Caribbean: Morehouse has more (house) on recent Iowa commit Louis Trinca-Pasat; to say he's interesting would be an understatement. For one, he's the first American in his family, being the only child of five to actually be born in the states; his parents are Romanian ex-pats who emigrated here 20 years ago. Being that the all we know about Eastern Europeans, we learned from terrible movies, we can only conclude that LTP (the player, not the blogger for that team that's just Northwestern) smokes a shitload of cigarettes and is involved with organized crime.
Further, homeboy is going to go play football in Australia over the summer. Not Australian rules football, thank god, but real football (no, not this real football). That seems nice, because according to our map, Australia is right by Romania. Put another shrimp on the dingo! LOL Crocodile Dundee, so true.
Eric May is unfuckingstoppable: It's the summer, which means it's PTL time, and Scott Dochtermann (which sounds like a Nazi name if we ever heard one) is filing reports on the summer league, and if we had to sum it up in 10 words or fewer, it'd be this: Eric May dominates, Brennan Cougiill, ehh, not so much. Hey, we only used nine. Wheeee.
Dochtermann's not a professional, but neither are you, so don't complain about the video quality.
May went 11-13 on the night, which will definitely happen all the time in actual Big 10 play. He "sank a pair of 3-pointers and had one thunderous dunk. He was competitive, physical and athletic," according to Dochtermann. Awesome! So, 3rd place in the BXI next season, right?
Briefly... This is utter genius, right down to the standings... Iowa State clearly plans to lose by 90 points in June... Great advice on placekicking from former Hawkeyes, just in case any of our readers were planning a career in the one-bar helmet... Kingston Stadium got field turf, meaning the Hawkeyes are keeping pace with Cedar Rapids Washington... Finally, Maize n Brew with imponderables that will make your head hurt. The Indiana idea needs to happen with a quickness.