[Bumped. Terrifying news. Also, WaterlooChazz can choke on a shit-filled tube sock.--OPS]

June 22, 2009

IOWA CITY   (AP) --   University officials today declined to comment when they were questioned about the possibility that another member of the mens' basketball team was preparing to transfer from the program.  Recent news reports from the Cedar Rapids Gazette had revealed that the appendix of star guard Matt Gatens had decided to discontinue involvement with Gatens and the team.

Over the weekend, Matt Gatens became the fourth member of the Gatens family whose appendix had decided to leave the state of Iowa for other opportunities.  Regarding rumors of a transfer, the appendix said, "I'm just not sure what my role with the team is.  During the Big Ten season, I got a lot of playing time.  Then, in April, it seemed like I didn't even see the floor.  On the trip to Greece, I was playing a lot again.  Now, I'm trying to get ready for the Prime Time League, but coach told me that I shouldn't exhaust myself there.  It's tough to figure out what the coaches want when they are so up-and-down about your minutes.  I guess you could say, I am sick and tired of it."

Iowa coach Todd Lickliter responded, "It is always darkest after midnight, but just before the sun shines.  I thought we were done with the transfers.  But, Gatens's appendix has made a decision, and I think the best thing for all of us is to respect his wishes.  I am very confident we can and will win with the players we have returning.  Jarryd Cole's knee is going to be a very productive player for us.  So will Cully Payne's back.  I would hope that the various body parts of our returning players see this as an opportunity to work harder and get more minutes for themselves."

Some of the other players were surprised by the impending transfer.  Hawkeye forward Aaron Fuller said "I was shocked.  On the other hand, I know that he (Gatens's appendix) and Jake Kelly's wrist were very close friends.  So maybe Kelly's transfer to Indiana State is part of the reason why he is leaving."

One former Hawkeye player was quick to voice his opinion from Carbondale, Illinois.  The ankle of Tony Freeman phoned this message to Iowa City media outlets:  "I told you so.  Maybe now people will see that the players, and their appendages, are not the problem."

When asked for a response to the comments of Freeman's ankle, Lickliter said only this:  "I won't get into an argument with former players through the media.  I will say that I think the players we have will keep working hard each day.  They want to do things we haven't done yet; they want to win at least 7 games in the Big Ten next year.  I believe we will get better day-by-day, and practice-by-practice.  That's how we do things here at Butle.....um, I mean Iowa."

Seriously though, get well soon Matt.  I can't bear the thought of Hawkeye Basketball right now without Matt Gatens.