Joe Paterno Hosts Anthony Ferguson

Yes--yes, Mr. Bowden, I'm well aware that FSU scored 37 runs.

No, they're runs, not points. This was baseball. So you can't--

Listen--it's not a win for you--I understand SportsCenter compared it to a football score. But that doesn--Yes, 37 is a big--

First of all, you weren't coaching, correct? Okay, and--stop saying dadgummit, for fuck's sake!

I have another call, Mr. Bowden. Hold, please.

Hello, Mister Paterno's office, Secretary speaking, how may I help you?

Hi, this is Anthony Ferguson. I'm here for my official visit.

Oh, wonderful! Wait, what did you say your last name was?

Ferguson, why?

Um... no reason.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: What ensues from here refers solely and directly to the very first JoePa Chronicle, JoePa Meets Fergie. Oh, and the sequel. If you're familiar with them, great; otherwise, we strongly recommend you read both, otherwise this will all look like random words jammed together. Seriously. We can wait while you read up.)

Come right up, we're on the second floor, Suite 2624. How big are you again?

6'2", 255. 260 if the scouts are asking, you know. But big.

Oh, good. Jay Paterno will meet you at the door.

Really? He wasn't recruiting me, but uh, okay. See you soon. [click]

Are you still on the line, sir? Good, please hold.

The secretary waits patiently with what some might describe as a devious smile on her face. There is an audible knock at the door.

KNOCK KNOCK

Come in! (dials a number)

BEEP BOOP DOOP

JayPa's phone! JayPa speaking! Did you hug a Nittany Lion today!

Jay? There's a "Ferguson" here to see you.

Um... Misses or Mister?

Mister. He's at the door.

(gulp) Okay, I'll be there right away.

[hangs up]

Oh, shit.

(walks out, sees the massive black man in front of him)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Hello? Excuse me?

I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET HER PREGNANT

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED

OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE CHILDREN, I HAVE A FAMILY

WAAAAAH I'M ABOUT TO DIE DADDY DADDY DADDY

(locks himself in the bathroom)

Mister Paterno?

(opens the door from his office) I HEARD MY PROPER NAME, THANK YOU

WHO ARE YOU

Why, that's Mr. Ferguson!

WHAT

You know, Fergie!

OH GOD

Hahaha, yes, people have called me that, but my real first name is Anthony. Put 'er there, Coach!

I WON'T TOUCH YOUR TRANSVESTITE HAND ONE TIME

What?

WITHOUT YOUR MAKEUP, YOU ARE QUITE CLEARLY A MAN

Um, Coach, I've never doubted that I'm a man. I'm huge!

DID YOU HEAR THAT, JUNIOR

I don't want to dieeeeeeeeeeeee

WELL NOW THAT I'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT YOU, PERHAPS I WILL RESCIND THE NOTION THAT ME OFFERING YOU A SCHOLARSHIP WAS SUCH A JOKE

A joke?! What are you talking about?

I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WILL BE A CORNERBACK AND THEN I SAID YOU COULD NOT ON ACCOUNT OF YOU ARE A WOMAN

No you didn't!

HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THE SPANIARD'S DISHONESTY

THIS IS INSUBORDINATION

GET OUT OF HERE

Fine! I'm committing to Iowa as soon as I get home!

SO BE IT, I HEAR YOUR HORRIBLE SHIT POP MUSIC IS STILL POPULAR IN THOSE PARTS

Whatever, I'm out of here, you dumb old son of a bitch. And I think your kid pissed hisself.

It's a defense mechanism and it works all the time!

I HAVE A FEELING THAT IF I COULD SMELL ANYMORE I WOULD PUNCH YOU STRAIGHT IN THE FACE, JUNIOR

You fools have fun with each other. Hawkeye up, bitches!

SLAM

Wow.

(clears throat, drops voice 2 octaves back down to "pubescent teenager")

Secretary, I'm going to need you to order me a new pair of slacks, some new Mighty Mouse briefs, and maybe some socks.

In a minute, I have a call waiting. Are you still there, Mr. Bowden?

GET OFF THE PHONE WITH MY NEMESIS THIS INSTANT YOU MONGOL-BRAINED HARLOT

Yes, Mr. Bowden, that's him in the background. I'll transfer you over in a sec--yes, I know we're not done talking about the win--

Look, sir, it was just baseball.

Just baseball?

The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU