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Pro Quality. Fan Perspective.
Around SBN: Interview With UMD Athletic Director, Dr. Debbie Yow

Joe Paterno Hosts Anthony Ferguson

Iconsecretary_medium Yes--yes, Mr. Bowden, I'm well aware that FSU scored 37 runs.

Iconsecretary_medium No, they're runs, not points. This was baseball. So you can't--

Iconsecretary_medium Listen--it's not a win for you--I understand SportsCenter compared it to a football score. But that doesn--Yes, 37 is a big--

Iconsecretary_medium First of all, you weren't coaching, correct? Okay, and--stop saying dadgummit, for fuck's sake!

Iconsecretary_medium I have another call, Mr. Bowden. Hold, please.

Iconsecretary_medium Hello, Mister Paterno's office, Secretary speaking, how may I help you?

Iconfergie2_medium Hi, this is Anthony Ferguson. I'm here for my official visit.

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, wonderful! Wait, what did you say your last name was?

Iconfergie2_medium Ferguson, why?

Iconsecretary_medium Um... no reason.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: What ensues from here refers solely and directly to the very first JoePa Chronicle, JoePa Meets Fergie. Oh, and the sequel. If you're familiar with them, great; otherwise, we strongly recommend you read both, otherwise this will all look like random words jammed together. Seriously. We can wait while you read up.)

Iconsecretary_medium Come right up, we're on the second floor, Suite 2624. How big are you again?

Iconfergie2_medium 6'2", 255. 260 if the scouts are asking, you know. But big.

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, good. Jay Paterno will meet you at the door.

Iconfergie2_medium Really? He wasn't recruiting me, but uh, okay. See you soon. [click]

Iconsecretary_medium Are you still on the line, sir? Good, please hold.

The secretary waits patiently with what some might describe as a devious smile on her face. There is an audible knock at the door.

 

Star-divide

 

Icondoor_medium KNOCK KNOCK

Iconsecretary_medium Come in! (dials a number)

Iconphone45_medium BEEP BOOP DOOP

Jaypa_mediumJayPa's phone! JayPa speaking! Did you hug a Nittany Lion today!

Iconsecretary_medium Jay? There's a "Ferguson" here to see you.

Jaypa_medium Um... Misses or Mister?

Iconsecretary_medium Mister. He's at the door.

Jaypa_medium (gulp) Okay, I'll be there right away.

Iconsecretary_medium [hangs up]

Jaypa_medium Oh, shit.

Jaypa_medium (walks out, sees the massive black man in front of him)

Jaypa_medium OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Iconfergie2_medium Hello? Excuse me?

Jaypa_medium I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET HER PREGNANT

Jaypa_medium I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED

Jaypa_medium OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE CHILDREN, I HAVE A FAMILY

Jaypa_medium WAAAAAH I'M ABOUT TO DIE DADDY DADDY DADDY

Jaypa_medium (locks himself in the bathroom)

Iconfergie2_medium Mister Paterno?

Iconjoepa_medium (opens the door from his office) I HEARD MY PROPER NAME, THANK YOU

Iconjoepa_medium WHO ARE YOU

Iconsecretary_medium Why, that's Mr. Ferguson!

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT

Iconsecretary_medium You know, Fergie!

Iconjoepa_medium OH GOD

Iconfergie2_medium Hahaha, yes, people have called me that, but my real first name is Anthony. Put 'er there, Coach!

Iconjoepa_medium I WON'T TOUCH YOUR TRANSVESTITE HAND ONE TIME

Iconfergie2_medium What?

Iconjoepa_medium WITHOUT YOUR MAKEUP, YOU ARE QUITE CLEARLY A MAN

Iconfergie2_medium Um, Coach, I've never doubted that I'm a man. I'm huge!

Iconjoepa_medium DID YOU HEAR THAT, JUNIOR

Jaypa_medium I don't want to dieeeeeeeeeeeee

Iconjoepa_medium WELL NOW THAT I'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT YOU, PERHAPS I WILL RESCIND THE NOTION THAT ME OFFERING YOU A SCHOLARSHIP WAS SUCH A JOKE

Iconfergie2_medium A joke?! What are you talking about?

Iconjoepa_medium I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WILL BE A CORNERBACK AND THEN I SAID YOU COULD NOT ON ACCOUNT OF YOU ARE A WOMAN

Iconfergie2_medium No you didn't!

Iconjoepa_medium HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THE SPANIARD'S DISHONESTY

Iconjoepa_medium THIS IS INSUBORDINATION

Iconjoepa_medium GET OUT OF HERE

Iconfergie2_medium Fine! I'm committing to Iowa as soon as I get home!

Iconjoepa_medium SO BE IT, I HEAR YOUR HORRIBLE SHIT POP MUSIC IS STILL POPULAR IN THOSE PARTS

Iconfergie2_medium Whatever, I'm out of here, you dumb old son of a bitch. And I think your kid pissed hisself.

Jaypa_medium It's a defense mechanism and it works all the time!

Iconjoepa_medium I HAVE A FEELING THAT IF I COULD SMELL ANYMORE I WOULD PUNCH YOU STRAIGHT IN THE FACE, JUNIOR

Iconfergie2_medium You fools have fun with each other. Hawkeye up, bitches!

Icondoor_medium SLAM

Iconsecretary_medium Wow.

Jaypa_medium (clears throat, drops voice 2 octaves back down to "pubescent teenager")

Jaypa_medium Secretary, I'm going to need you to order me a new pair of slacks, some new Mighty Mouse briefs, and maybe some socks.

Iconsecretary_medium In a minute, I have a call waiting. Are you still there, Mr. Bowden?

Iconjoepa_medium GET OFF THE PHONE WITH MY NEMESIS THIS INSTANT YOU MONGOL-BRAINED HARLOT

Iconsecretary_medium Yes, Mr. Bowden, that's him in the background. I'll transfer you over in a sec--yes, I know we're not done talking about the win--

Iconsecretary_medium Look, sir, it was just baseball.

Iconjejones_medium Just baseball?

Iconjejones_medium The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.

Iconsecretary_mediumIconjoepa_medium WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

4 recs  |  Comment 20 comments |

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Around SB Nation

Huge recruiting weekend

Oct 2008 from Card Chronicle - 3 comments

Comments

Display:

"otherwise this will all look like random words jammed together."

As opposed to the normal coherence of JoePa.
Bravo as always!

by chitownhawkeye on Jun 1, 2009 5:20 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

So glad I waited until the office was empty to read that.

Excellent!!

"Even though it was bouncing, I knew it was so soft that it was just going to stay in," Battle said. "Then I ran around like a lunatic."

by bconway6 on Jun 1, 2009 8:47 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Isn't this kid unranked on the recruiting sites?

I’m not all torn up about losing out on him. I mean, those recruiting sites are always 100% accurate, right?

The season can’t start soon enough. I love this shit.

Luring recruits with my new "Posting HD" scheme since '08.

by 06Lion on Jun 1, 2009 8:55 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

I know you're kidding

But in case anyone is curious the reason he’s unranked is the same reason his teammate and fellow Hawkeye commit Jim Poggi is still unranked: their high school still hasn’t sent any tape to the recruiting sites yet.

by NorseHawk on Jun 2, 2009 5:26 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

They're 3 stars on Scout

No worries.

"From the outside looking in, you cannot understand it. From the inside looking out, you cannot explian it."

by psuphiman80 on Jun 2, 2009 7:46 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

best part

was Suite 2624. The tears of reading rambler and mike bsd and all those guys, they are so much fun to read.

by everloyal on Jun 1, 2009 10:22 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Man, how many new ways can fOSU find to embarrass the Big 10?

I suppose it’s nice that they at least didn’t wait until the championship round to do it this time…

by RossWB on Jun 1, 2009 10:27 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Is it bad

that I figure his visit probably happened this way in real life?

"From the outside looking in, you cannot understand it. From the inside looking out, you cannot explian it."

by psuphiman80 on Jun 2, 2009 9:10 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Whoa, hold the phone -

Are you suggesting the JoePa Chronicles are fictitious?

by Bucketochicken on Jun 2, 2009 9:14 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

I always assumed there was a small level of artistic license.

But I’ve been known to be wrong before.

"From the outside looking in, you cannot understand it. From the inside looking out, you cannot explian it."

by psuphiman80 on Jun 2, 2009 9:58 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

storminspank: "Or we could join you can take our pants off."

by Hawkeye State on Jun 2, 2009 1:25 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

HA HA

Iowa has a transvestite on its team

Champion of the sun, master of karate and friendship for everyone.

by psu on Jun 2, 2009 10:04 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

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