Joe Paterno Hosts Anthony Ferguson

Iconsecretary_medium Yes--yes, Mr. Bowden, I'm well aware that FSU scored 37 runs.

Iconsecretary_medium No, they're runs, not points. This was baseball. So you can't--

Iconsecretary_medium Listen--it's not a win for you--I understand SportsCenter compared it to a football score. But that doesn--Yes, 37 is a big--

Iconsecretary_medium First of all, you weren't coaching, correct? Okay, and--stop saying dadgummit, for fuck's sake!

Iconsecretary_medium I have another call, Mr. Bowden. Hold, please.

Iconsecretary_medium Hello, Mister Paterno's office, Secretary speaking, how may I help you?

Iconfergie2_medium Hi, this is Anthony Ferguson. I'm here for my official visit.

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, wonderful! Wait, what did you say your last name was?

Iconfergie2_medium Ferguson, why?

Iconsecretary_medium Um... no reason.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: What ensues from here refers solely and directly to the very first JoePa Chronicle, JoePa Meets Fergie. Oh, and the sequel. If you're familiar with them, great; otherwise, we strongly recommend you read both, otherwise this will all look like random words jammed together. Seriously. We can wait while you read up.)

Iconsecretary_medium Come right up, we're on the second floor, Suite 2624. How big are you again?

Iconfergie2_medium 6'2", 255. 260 if the scouts are asking, you know. But big.

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, good. Jay Paterno will meet you at the door.

Iconfergie2_medium Really? He wasn't recruiting me, but uh, okay. See you soon. [click]

Iconsecretary_medium Are you still on the line, sir? Good, please hold.

The secretary waits patiently with what some might describe as a devious smile on her face. There is an audible knock at the door.

 

 

Icondoor_medium KNOCK KNOCK

Iconsecretary_medium Come in! (dials a number)

Iconphone45_medium BEEP BOOP DOOP

Jaypa_mediumJayPa's phone! JayPa speaking! Did you hug a Nittany Lion today!

Iconsecretary_medium Jay? There's a "Ferguson" here to see you.

Jaypa_medium Um... Misses or Mister?

Iconsecretary_medium Mister. He's at the door.

Jaypa_medium (gulp) Okay, I'll be there right away.

Iconsecretary_medium [hangs up]

Jaypa_medium Oh, shit.

Jaypa_medium (walks out, sees the massive black man in front of him)

Jaypa_medium OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Iconfergie2_medium Hello? Excuse me?

Jaypa_medium I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET HER PREGNANT

Jaypa_medium I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED

Jaypa_medium OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE CHILDREN, I HAVE A FAMILY

Jaypa_medium WAAAAAH I'M ABOUT TO DIE DADDY DADDY DADDY

Jaypa_medium (locks himself in the bathroom)

Iconfergie2_medium Mister Paterno?

Iconjoepa_medium (opens the door from his office) I HEARD MY PROPER NAME, THANK YOU

Iconjoepa_medium WHO ARE YOU

Iconsecretary_medium Why, that's Mr. Ferguson!

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT

Iconsecretary_medium You know, Fergie!

Iconjoepa_medium OH GOD

Iconfergie2_medium Hahaha, yes, people have called me that, but my real first name is Anthony. Put 'er there, Coach!

Iconjoepa_medium I WON'T TOUCH YOUR TRANSVESTITE HAND ONE TIME

Iconfergie2_medium What?

Iconjoepa_medium WITHOUT YOUR MAKEUP, YOU ARE QUITE CLEARLY A MAN

Iconfergie2_medium Um, Coach, I've never doubted that I'm a man. I'm huge!

Iconjoepa_medium DID YOU HEAR THAT, JUNIOR

Jaypa_medium I don't want to dieeeeeeeeeeeee

Iconjoepa_medium WELL NOW THAT I'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT YOU, PERHAPS I WILL RESCIND THE NOTION THAT ME OFFERING YOU A SCHOLARSHIP WAS SUCH A JOKE

Iconfergie2_medium A joke?! What are you talking about?

Iconjoepa_medium I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WILL BE A CORNERBACK AND THEN I SAID YOU COULD NOT ON ACCOUNT OF YOU ARE A WOMAN

Iconfergie2_medium No you didn't!

Iconjoepa_medium HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THE SPANIARD'S DISHONESTY

Iconjoepa_medium THIS IS INSUBORDINATION

Iconjoepa_medium GET OUT OF HERE

Iconfergie2_medium Fine! I'm committing to Iowa as soon as I get home!

Iconjoepa_medium SO BE IT, I HEAR YOUR HORRIBLE SHIT POP MUSIC IS STILL POPULAR IN THOSE PARTS

Iconfergie2_medium Whatever, I'm out of here, you dumb old son of a bitch. And I think your kid pissed hisself.

Jaypa_medium It's a defense mechanism and it works all the time!

Iconjoepa_medium I HAVE A FEELING THAT IF I COULD SMELL ANYMORE I WOULD PUNCH YOU STRAIGHT IN THE FACE, JUNIOR

Iconfergie2_medium You fools have fun with each other. Hawkeye up, bitches!

Icondoor_medium SLAM

Iconsecretary_medium Wow.

Jaypa_medium (clears throat, drops voice 2 octaves back down to "pubescent teenager")

Jaypa_medium Secretary, I'm going to need you to order me a new pair of slacks, some new Mighty Mouse briefs, and maybe some socks.

Iconsecretary_medium In a minute, I have a call waiting. Are you still there, Mr. Bowden?

Iconjoepa_medium GET OFF THE PHONE WITH MY NEMESIS THIS INSTANT YOU MONGOL-BRAINED HARLOT

Iconsecretary_medium Yes, Mr. Bowden, that's him in the background. I'll transfer you over in a sec--yes, I know we're not done talking about the win--

Iconsecretary_medium Look, sir, it was just baseball.

Iconjejones_medium Just baseball?

Iconjejones_medium The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.

Iconsecretary_mediumIconjoepa_medium WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

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