Tim Brewster Revises History

Scene: a dark, dingy office, which also happens to be the best office at the miserable university in the miserable state. It is noon, but the sun does not rise in Minnesota from mid-July to mid-June. A socially inept young man types anxiously at a computer. Suddenly, a door flies open.

Brewstericon_medium TRY BEST CHAMPION GOPHER

Seceretary3icon_medium Oh! Hey, Coach.

Brewstericon_medium Hello, Male Secretary. How is the media guide coming?

Seceretary3icon_medium It's going fine, except, um, I don't think I should be writing this.

Brewstericon_medium What!!!!!!

Seceretary3icon_medium I'm just a college dropo--wait, how did you just speak that many exclamation points?

Brewstericon_medium SPEAK LIKE A CHAMPION FIGHT TRY

Seceretary3icon_medium Ugh. Anyway, I'm just a college dropout. I can't write worth crap.

Brewstericon_medium Have you ever read a mediia guide? Most of that is farmed out to Bangladesh and GOPHER FIGHT BEST India.

Seceretary3icon_medium Um, okay. I just got done writing the season recap. Boy, Iowa sure kicked the hell out of us!

Brewstericon_medium Take it out.

Seceretary3icon_medium Uh, what??

Brewstericon_medium I SAID TAKE IT GO FIGHT GOPHER HARD CHAMPION BEST TRY WIN COMPETE COACHES FAT PAT OUT

Seceretary3icon_medium Okay. So like this?

2008-minn-record1-300x238_medium

Brewstericon_medium PERFECT

Seceretary3icon_medium Was that a bout of Motivational Tourette's or are you actually okay with that?

Brewstericon_medium HARD BEST CHAMPION FIGHT of course.

Seceretary3icon_medium Okay, so we're listing only 12 of the 13 games we played last year and we're omitting our worst defeat to our most bitter rival. That just seems extraordinarily unethical. People have better memories than that.

Brewstericon_medium So what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seceretary3icon_medium Good lord. Lemme call someone about this.

Iconphone45_medium RING RING

Iconphone45_medium RING RING

Iconphone45_medium RING I AM A PHONE RING

Iconsecretary_medium Hello?

Seceretary3icon_medium Hi, it's Male Secretary from Tim Brewster's office!

Iconsecretary_medium And what in the H-E-double-Fuck-You-sticks do you want?

Seceretary3icon_medium Can I talk to JoePa? We have a coaching ethics question.

Iconsecretary_medium He's all yours, How I Met Your Brother.

Seceretary3icon_medium First of all, just because I'm a male secretary, doesn't mean I'm gay. I've told you that like a thousand times. And second, quit holding it against me that Title IX means they had to fire a female secretary and hire me. I don't make the rules around here. So just give me JoePa.

Iconsecretary_medium If you're really wanting to talk about ethics

Iconjoepa_medium GET OFF THE PHONE THIS INSTANT, I SHOULD HAVE IT DISCONNECTED AT ONCE

Iconsecretary_medium It's for you.

Iconjoepa_medium GIVE GIVE MINE

Iconjoepa_medium HELLO

Seceretary3icon_medium Hi, JoePa! This is Male Secretary with Coach Brewster!

Iconjoepa_medium MISTERS PATERNO AND BREWSTER WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Seceretary3icon_medium Okay, Mr. Paterno. So wh

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Seceretary3icon_medium ...so what's new?

Iconjoepa_medium THE USUAL OFF SEASON WORK, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MALE SECRETARY. MONITORING PLAYER DEVELOPMENT

Iconsecretary_medium pfffhahahaha

Iconjoepa_medium AND MAKING PUBLIC STATEMENTS WARNING THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE IRISH MENACE

Seceretary3icon_medium You mean Notre Dame?

Brewstericon_medium BEST HARD IRISH GOPHER TRY

Iconjoepa_medium I AM REFERRING TO ALL IRISH, THEY ARE A NOTORIOUSLY UNTRUSTWORTHY BREED

Noirish_medium

Seceretary3icon_medium HEY! Cut it out, I'm half-Irish

Iconjoepa_medium SWEET BLEEDING JESUS ON A CRUCIFIX MISTER BREWSTER, THEY HAVE INFILTRATED AND INFECTED YOUR ORGANIZATION

Brewstericon_medium That's BEST CHAMPION GOPHER WIN terrible news!!!!!!

Iconjoepa_medium PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN FIRE THE SCOUNDREL BEFORE HE UNDULY AFFECTS THE OUTCOME OF A GAME WITH HIS LYING AND GREED

Iconsecretary_medium ...isn't that Jews?

Iconjoepa_medium WHATEVER

Seceretary3icon_medium This is discrimination! I'll sue!

Iconjoepa_medium THERE THEY GO AGAIN

Seceretary3icon_medium (storms off in a huff)

Brewstericon_medium So, Mister Paterno.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT

Brewstericon_medium If I feel like that little ginger was the reason we lost a game, we can just... pretend it never happened, right?

Iconjoepa_medium ABSOLUTELY

Iconjoepa_medium STALIN HAD THE RIGHT IDEA

Iconjoepa_medium THERE WAS A MAN'S MAN, THAT STALIN

Brewstericon_medium Didn't he murder like millions of his own citizens?

Iconjoepa_medium THEY PROBABLY DESERVED IT FOR BEING IRISH

Brewstericon_medium Far be it for me to CHAMPION WIN BEST PRACTICE CHILI criticize your encyclopedic WIN knowledge of European history, Mister Paterno

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU, I KNEW YOU HAD BETTER SENSE THAN THAT

Iconjoepa_medium I AM GOING TO END THIS CONVERSATION ON THAT HIGH NOTE

Brewstericon_medium but

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY, MAKE THIS STOP

Iconsecretary_medium How do you not know how to hang up a phone?

Iconjoepa_medium IT HAS BUTTONS AND I DON'T LIKE THEM

Iconjoepa_medium IS IT OVER YET

Iconsecretary_medium There, it's hung up. All you have to do is press "Call End"

Iconjoepa_medium SPEAKING OF CALLING ENDS, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT ANDREW QUARLESS

Iconsecretary_medium What?! What completely insane fantasy story that you just made up about him are you about to tell me?

Iconjoepa_medium HE IS TERRIBLE

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