Scene: a dark, dingy office, which also happens to be the best office at the miserable university in the miserable state. It is noon, but the sun does not rise in Minnesota from mid-July to mid-June. A socially inept young man types anxiously at a computer. Suddenly, a door flies open.
TRY BEST CHAMPION GOPHER
Oh! Hey, Coach.
Hello, Male Secretary. How is the media guide coming?
It's going fine, except, um, I don't think I should be writing this.
I'm just a college dropo--wait, how did you just speak that many exclamation points?
SPEAK LIKE A CHAMPION FIGHT TRY
Ugh. Anyway, I'm just a college dropout. I can't write worth crap.
Have you ever read a mediia guide? Most of that is farmed out to Bangladesh and GOPHER FIGHT BEST India.
Um, okay. I just got done writing the season recap. Boy, Iowa sure kicked the hell out of us!
Take it out.
I SAID TAKE IT GO FIGHT GOPHER HARD CHAMPION BEST TRY WIN COMPETE COACHES FAT PAT OUT
Okay. So like this?
Was that a bout of Motivational Tourette's or are you actually okay with that?
HARD BEST CHAMPION FIGHT of course.
Okay, so we're listing only 12 of the 13 games we played last year and we're omitting our worst defeat to our most bitter rival. That just seems extraordinarily unethical. People have better memories than that.
Good lord. Lemme call someone about this.
RING I AM A PHONE RING
Hi, it's Male Secretary from Tim Brewster's office!
And what in the H-E-double-Fuck-You-sticks do you want?
Can I talk to JoePa? We have a coaching ethics question.
He's all yours, How I Met Your Brother.
First of all, just because I'm a male secretary, doesn't mean I'm gay. I've told you that like a thousand times. And second, quit holding it against me that Title IX means they had to fire a female secretary and hire me. I don't make the rules around here. So just give me JoePa.
If you're really wanting to talk about ethics
GET OFF THE PHONE THIS INSTANT, I SHOULD HAVE IT DISCONNECTED AT ONCE
It's for you.
GIVE GIVE MINE
Hi, JoePa! This is Male Secretary with Coach Brewster!
MISTERS PATERNO AND BREWSTER WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU
Okay, Mr. Paterno. So wh
...so what's new?
THE USUAL OFF SEASON WORK, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MALE SECRETARY. MONITORING PLAYER DEVELOPMENT
AND MAKING PUBLIC STATEMENTS WARNING THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE IRISH MENACE
You mean Notre Dame?
BEST HARD IRISH GOPHER TRY
I AM REFERRING TO ALL IRISH, THEY ARE A NOTORIOUSLY UNTRUSTWORTHY BREED
HEY! Cut it out, I'm half-Irish
SWEET BLEEDING JESUS ON A CRUCIFIX MISTER BREWSTER, THEY HAVE INFILTRATED AND INFECTED YOUR ORGANIZATION
That's BEST CHAMPION GOPHER WIN terrible news!!!!!!
PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN FIRE THE SCOUNDREL BEFORE HE UNDULY AFFECTS THE OUTCOME OF A GAME WITH HIS LYING AND GREED
...isn't that Jews?
This is discrimination! I'll sue!
THERE THEY GO AGAIN
(storms off in a huff)
So, Mister Paterno.
If I feel like that little ginger was the reason we lost a game, we can just... pretend it never happened, right?
STALIN HAD THE RIGHT IDEA
THERE WAS A MAN'S MAN, THAT STALIN
Didn't he murder like millions of his own citizens?
THEY PROBABLY DESERVED IT FOR BEING IRISH
Far be it for me to CHAMPION WIN BEST PRACTICE CHILI criticize your encyclopedic WIN knowledge of European history, Mister Paterno
THANK YOU, I KNEW YOU HAD BETTER SENSE THAN THAT
I AM GOING TO END THIS CONVERSATION ON THAT HIGH NOTE
SECRETARY, MAKE THIS STOP
How do you not know how to hang up a phone?
IT HAS BUTTONS AND I DON'T LIKE THEM
IS IT OVER YET
There, it's hung up. All you have to do is press "Call End"
SPEAKING OF CALLING ENDS, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT ANDREW QUARLESS
What?! What completely insane fantasy story that you just made up about him are you about to tell me?
HE IS TERRIBLE