REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 1: SECRETARY VS. JOE TILLER

#3 SEED: SECRETARY

Tournament bid: Administrative Professionals' Day gift

Pros

Cons

Statement

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, hello. I'm Joe Paterno's secretary. We haven't really been formally introduced. My real name is

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, what is it now? I'm trying to talk to

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY, DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS THAT THAT IRISH FOOL BOWDEN WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME ALL HIS WINS

Iconsecretary_medium That's not what the NCAA ruled. He has to vacate a few wins, like 14.

Iconjoepa_medium MINE

Iconsecretary_medium No, they're not.

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY, BRING ME A NYQUIL GIMLET THIS INSTANT AND YOU'VE GOT THE REST OF THE DAY OFF

Iconsecretary_medium Right away.

Iconjoepa_medium (dodders off)

Iconsecretary_medium I'm so sorry. Maybe later, BHGP.

#6 SEED: JOE TILLER

Tillycheese_medium

Tournament bid: Won in Philadelphia Cream Cheese sweepstakes after hand-writing roughly 77,000 entries

Pros

Sucked pretty royally this year

Hahahahaha

Cons

May yet spur the first cream cheese-related restraining order in American history

Statement

Icontiller_medium Aw, shucks. Hi, everyone. It's just an honor to be here in your tournament. Never thought a guy from Wyoming could make it to the BHGP big time. It's such an honor. Gosh, it's like... well, can I tell you a story, folks? I figure I might as well. My first year at Wyoming, we just won a big ol' game against Colorado State, and a young lady from Cheyenne 5 News comes up and asks me how it felt to win a game like that. Well, heck, I didn't know what to say, so I tell her, "It's like having a Philly Cream Cheese sandwich for breakfast, it's great!" I was just blurtin' out words! Well next thing you know, 3 weeks later, I get a package that they refrigerate with the dried ice on my doorstep, and it's a thank you note from Philadelphia Cream Cheese for name-dropping them on live TV! There must've been 10 packages in there! Made my day, I'll tell you that. And ever since then, seven days a week, it's me and that cream cheese, and it's so good, so good. Makes me feel like a young man, the way it slides down my throat, like it was just meant to be there. I don't much care for them new types they got with the flavors mixed in, and my wife's trying to get me on the "whipped" kind, 'cause it's "lighter." Whipped? I see what she's trying to do. Ol' Joe doesn't get whipped by no woman, not when the cream cheese is at stake here. Then sometimes we go down to the bagel place and there's that little Mexican or 'spanic or somethin' girl behind the counter, and I get my bagel and cream cheese, and I know it's not Philly, but I'm willing to substitute in a pinch, y'know. Then the ball and chain gets mad when I tell the little senorita "I like the way you spread it" when she's makin' my bagel. Tells me I'm a pervert. I'M JUST TALKIN' BOUT THE CREAM CHEESE. She say's I'm makin' Lupe all uncomfortable, and it's like, WOMAN, let me enjoy my damn bagel in silence for once, and then MAYBE I wouldn't be compelled to fill a mixing bowl with it every night then jam my face in and scream and cry. I WANT TO MARRY THE CREAM CHEESE. LET ME DO THIS AND I CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker