WELCOME TO THE REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS TOURNAMENT. The bracket itself is still in production because fuck you, that's why. It'll be done tonight, unless it isn't.

#1 SEED: JOE PATERNO

Tournament bid: Automatic

Pros

• This happened.
• Is our favorite person in the world.
• Was on Celebrity Big Ten Jeopardy.

Cons

• [JoePa Chronicles really tailed off this year, didn't they?--ed] We were diversifying! [aka you suck.--ed]

Statement

 HELLO PEOPLE

 YOU CAN CALL ME MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU

 THAT WILL BE FINE

 I DON'T UNDERSTAND MUCH ABOUT THIS RAMADA-COPULATION OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLING THIS FESTIVAL

 THOUGH I DID SPRAY AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT

 Hahahaha, good joke, dad!

 NO CONDOMS IF THE PROSTITUTE'S ALREADY DEAD, I SAY

 ...that took the joke a little too far.

 WHAT IN SATAN'S ASSCRACK LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE I WAS TELLING A JOKE

 ANYWAY

 I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT RAMALAMAPOONCRUSHING

 BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS PITS ME AGAINST THE IRISH, AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF AN IRISHMAN EVER GETS THE BEST OF OL' MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU

 IRISH THEY WOULD ALL DIE

 THERE'S YOUR JOKE

 You scare me, dad.

 SHUT UP

#8 SEED: LOU HOLTZ

Tournament Bid: At-Large

Pros

• Hate Bowl halftime speechwriter.
• Was murdered by J Leman after being sent to kill Bob Zook by Charlie Weis
• Is fucknuts crazy.

Cons

• Just got shot to death again by Chinese Security Guards

 ROR

• ...wait, what?!

NOTE: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE KILLED LOU HOLTZ AND ASSUMED HOLTZ'S POSITION IN THE TOURNAMENT.

#8 SEED: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS

Tournament bid: Highlander

Pros

• Helped Mao and Yao almost take over the world
• Part of Ron Zook's elite security team
• successfully impersonated Iowa assistant coach Lester Erb during Outback Bowl preparations
• Just fucking killed Lou Holtz in cold blood, in case you weren't paying attention to the very large letters.

Cons

• I think a reasonable person would look at the entire list of pros above and immediately consider them pretty heavy "cons."
• Foiled by J Leman in the first two schemes anyway.

Statement

 Herro, puny Amewicans! I am Chinese Secuwity Guawd! Prease ignowe the fact that the wwiting on my hermet is actuarry Kowean. I vow to win this sirry touwnament and bwing honow to Mao and Yao! Arr who oppose us wirr be kirred! ROROROROROR