REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND ONE: JOE PATERNO VS. LOU HOLTZ

WELCOME TO THE REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS TOURNAMENT. The bracket itself is still in production because fuck you, that's why. It'll be done tonight, unless it isn't.

#1 SEED: JOE PATERNO

Tournament bid: Automatic

Pros

• This happened.
• Is our favorite person in the world.
• Was on Celebrity Big Ten Jeopardy.

Cons

• [JoePa Chronicles really tailed off this year, didn't they?--ed] We were diversifying! [aka you suck.--ed]

Statement

 HELLO PEOPLE

 YOU CAN CALL ME MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU

 THAT WILL BE FINE

 I DON'T UNDERSTAND MUCH ABOUT THIS RAMADA-COPULATION OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLING THIS FESTIVAL

 THOUGH I DID SPRAY AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT

 Hahahaha, good joke, dad!

 NO CONDOMS IF THE PROSTITUTE'S ALREADY DEAD, I SAY

 ...that took the joke a little too far.

 WHAT IN SATAN'S ASSCRACK LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE I WAS TELLING A JOKE

 ANYWAY

 I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT RAMALAMAPOONCRUSHING

 BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS PITS ME AGAINST THE IRISH, AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF AN IRISHMAN EVER GETS THE BEST OF OL' MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU

 IRISH THEY WOULD ALL DIE

 THERE'S YOUR JOKE

 You scare me, dad.

 SHUT UP

#8 SEED: LOU HOLTZ

Tournament Bid: At-Large

Pros

• Hate Bowl halftime speechwriter.
• Was murdered by J Leman after being sent to kill Bob Zook by Charlie Weis
• Is fucknuts crazy.

Cons

• Just got shot to death again by Chinese Security Guards

 ROR

• ...wait, what?!

NOTE: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE KILLED LOU HOLTZ AND ASSUMED HOLTZ'S POSITION IN THE TOURNAMENT.

#8 SEED: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS

Tournament bid: Highlander

Pros

• Helped Mao and Yao almost take over the world
• Part of Ron Zook's elite security team
• successfully impersonated Iowa assistant coach Lester Erb during Outback Bowl preparations
• Just fucking killed Lou Holtz in cold blood, in case you weren't paying attention to the very large letters.

Cons

• I think a reasonable person would look at the entire list of pros above and immediately consider them pretty heavy "cons."
• Foiled by J Leman in the first two schemes anyway.

Statement

 Herro, puny Amewicans! I am Chinese Secuwity Guawd! Prease ignowe the fact that the wwiting on my hermet is actuarry Kowean. I vow to win this sirry touwnament and bwing honow to Mao and Yao! Arr who oppose us wirr be kirred! ROROROROROR