REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND ONE: JOE PATERNO VS. LOU HOLTZ
WELCOME TO THE REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS TOURNAMENT. The bracket itself is still in production because fuck you, that's why. It'll be done tonight, unless it isn't.
#1 SEED: JOE PATERNO
Tournament bid: Automatic
Pros
- This happened.
- Is our favorite person in the world.
- Was on Celebrity Big Ten Jeopardy.
Cons
- [JoePa Chronicles really tailed off this year, didn't they?--ed] We were diversifying! [aka you suck.--ed]
Statement
YOU CAN CALL ME MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MUCH ABOUT THIS RAMADA-COPULATION OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLING THIS FESTIVAL
THOUGH I DID SPRAY AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT
NO CONDOMS IF THE PROSTITUTE'S ALREADY DEAD, I SAY
...that took the joke a little too far.
WHAT IN SATAN'S ASSCRACK LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE I WAS TELLING A JOKE
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT RAMALAMAPOONCRUSHING
BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS PITS ME AGAINST THE IRISH, AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF AN IRISHMAN EVER GETS THE BEST OF OL' MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU
#8 SEED: LOU HOLTZ
Tournament Bid: At-Large
Pros
- Hate Bowl halftime speechwriter.
- Was murdered by J Leman after being sent to kill Bob Zook by Charlie Weis
- Is fucknuts crazy.
Cons
- Just got shot to death again by Chinese Security Guards
- ...wait, what?!
NOTE: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE KILLED LOU HOLTZ AND ASSUMED HOLTZ'S POSITION IN THE TOURNAMENT.
#8 SEED: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS
Tournament bid: Highlander
Pros
- Helped Mao and Yao almost take over the world
- Part of Ron Zook's elite security team
- successfully impersonated Iowa assistant coach Lester Erb during Outback Bowl preparations
- Just fucking killed Lou Holtz in cold blood, in case you weren't paying attention to the very large letters.
Cons
- I think a reasonable person would look at the entire list of pros above and immediately consider them pretty heavy "cons."
- Foiled by J Leman in the first two schemes anyway.
Statement
Herro, puny Amewicans! I am Chinese Secuwity Guawd! Prease ignowe the fact that the wwiting on my hermet is actuarry Kowean. I vow to win this sirry touwnament and bwing honow to Mao and Yao! Arr who oppose us wirr be kirred! ROROROROROR
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20 comments
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Comments
MR PATERNO WILL BE FINE
for the second round, thank you
by shada's revenge on Mar 2, 2009 10:08 AM CST reply actions 0 recs
This happened
How is that a pro?
P.S. You’re mean.
P.P.S . I WILL HURT Bob Griese because for most of the second half, even after it became clear that THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES, he kept saying Penn State needed “style points”. THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES, YOU IDIOT. SHUT UP ABOUT STYLE POINTS. ASDFASDFGASGSDAGSDGASDGASDASDGASDGASDGSDRAGEAGAINSTIOWA
WHYDIDYOUBRINGTHATUPYOUCLOWN
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2009 10:22 AM CST reply actions 0 recs
I thought Lou was already dead
Killed by the cold hand of Leman, right?
storminspank: "Or we could join you can take our pants off."
by Hawkeye State on Mar 2, 2009 10:29 AM CST reply actions 0 recs
There's lots of dead people in this tourney
For example, Leman also killed all the guards.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 2, 2009 10:33 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs
holtz vs. paterno
what, no zombie deathmatch joke?
World F#$king Champions
by psudrozz on Mar 2, 2009 10:38 AM CST reply actions 0 recs
24-0 so far
Is this going to be like that Texas ‘Christian’ school that beat up a bunch of special needs kids, 100-0?
"Sweet lady fate, why dost thou piss on me so?"
by bluearmadillo on Mar 2, 2009 10:50 AM CST reply actions 0 recs
35-1 now
I guess BHGP has at least one Maoist reader.
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2009 11:16 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs
That vote was from Graham Zug
storminspank: "Or we could join you can take our pants off."
by Hawkeye State on Mar 2, 2009 11:35 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Actually
Someone else you know:

by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2009 11:41 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs
59-3!
As Billy Packer would say, “this game is over!”
by TarHeelHawk on Mar 2, 2009 12:23 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
All I want to know
Is where is Graham Zug seeded?
Mike
Black Shoe Diaries
by BSD on Mar 2, 2009 1:16 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
#17 seed in the BHGPNIT
And he’s down 70 votes to 25 against “handful of dirt.”
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 2, 2009 1:51 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Hey!
Anthony Morelli deserves more respect than that!
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2009 2:02 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Anyway
As I recall, Zug trailed late against Leman in Mike’s poll, but came back and won by four votes. If The Great Unquantifiable One has a weakness, its late starts. And photoshops of him as Rex Grossman.
by ReadingRambler on Mar 2, 2009 2:06 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
As of the time and date of this post
eight of you bastards are currently under investigation my Sir Joseph Raymond McCarthy.
BSD
by Kevin HD on Mar 2, 2009 2:04 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
FUCK
I call shenanigans. The Good Doctor was my upset pick for the final four, and now he’s not even in? My bookie is not going to be happy about this.
by NorseHawk on Mar 2, 2009 4:41 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
As if Paterno wasn't strong enough already
now he has all those extra brains to eat.
BRAINS!!!
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 2, 2009 5:10 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
"Joe Paterno Battles The Chinese Security Guards"
Sounds like the name of a Flaming Lips album…
http://www.happyhourvalley.com/
by Happy Hour Valley on Mar 2, 2009 11:28 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

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