Iowa vs. Purdue! For all the marbles! Or at least one marble! Or not! Iowa's got new uniforms starting today, which is probably the only reason this game is near sell-out status. And while fan reaction about the uniforms indicated that 1) SNAKES ARE MOTHERFUCKERS and 2) the uniforms are only "decent," keep in mind that there's absolutely nothing wrong with upgrading greatness, as Queen and Microsoft ably demonstrate below.

[this shit is my jam, man]

All the same, this will be a bloodbath of biblical proportions. Iowa is missing:

• their starting "point guard" (replacement: lightly used 1st year juco)
• their best shooter (replacement: completely one-dimensional 1st year juco)
• and their best post player (replacement: tearful prayer).

Yes, Purdue is missing Robbie Hummel, so this may not be the 30-point shitvalanche that Purdue dropped on Iowa the last time these paths crossed, but come on, people. This could get gruesome.

And as always, the drinks guide, should you be sufficiently masochistic/planning on stumbling around drunk at 6 pm on Valentine's Day:

Iowa losing by 15+: Hard liquor
Iowa losing by 10-15: Red wine
Iowa losing by 5-10: Cheap beer
Iowa losing by 0-5: The good beer
Iowa winning: The really good beer
Iowa winning by more than 1 point per minute remaining: Hard liquor

Hope you've got 3 bottles of red wine you're not fond of, because you're never seeing them again. Tipoff's in 15. If we must witness the horror, let's do it together.