Coach? There's a
Fine. Mr. Ferentz, there's
NO. Use your secretary voice.
(Mrs. Doubtfire-voice) There's a call for you on line two sir, righty-o!
Better, but what's with the accent?
I dunno. I'm bored. This job sucks.
It's what you get for deserting us last year. Anyway, I'll take the call. Thanks, Martha.
Can't you just call me Ken?
Of course not, Martha. Big boy business now. Too-de-loo.
BEEP CLICK WHIRR
This is Kirk.
Yeah, hi Kirk, Jack Swarbrick here. I'm the AD at a school called Notre Dame. Perhaps you've heard of it.
What do you want?
We were just curious on a scale of 9 to 10, where 1 is "would only go to Notre Dame for at least $2 million per" and 10 is "you pay us $2 million a year to coach here," how much you're looking forward to being our next coach.
Kirk, c'mon, no offense, but this is Notre Dame. Iowa's just a stupid state with vowels and a birdy mascot.
So by "no," you're actually like a 5 or 6, kinda wanting to break even?
How about we talk money. What's it going to take? $2 million a year? Maybe $1 million?
Look, Kirk, I'm just trying to gauge your interest in this, clearly one of the top 2 jobs in the world.
It's taking an awful lot of patience to not just start making fart noises at you over the phone.
How about $1.1 million and your own parking spot in a commuter lot.
Oh come on!
Look, I don't need to take this from you, Ferentz!
I think you do.
You're not that big a deal. You're like 7th on our list. At best. Show some respect.
So that many people have turned down your crappy job?
NO! ...maybe. Son of a gun.
Look, I'd be happy to put you back on the line with my secretary; he's also my offensive coordinator and he's probably decorating cupcakes with Legos and wondering why they don't taste good right now.
(peeking head in) Mithter Ferenth, I don't wanna imperrup, but I tfink I chipped a toof. I go home?
He's all yours for $25 million a year, 10 more million a year for Joe Moore's estate, and decoration rights to your field.
Check your inbox; I've already forwarded you an idea.
That is inappropriate! I have half a mind to hang up on you without offering you the job!
The finished product, of course, would include several leafy greens planted in the end zone.
Lots of pubes.
Good save on the cupcake gag, Ken. Nice looking out. You keep that up, I won't make you be Secretary anymore.
Fankth but my toof really ith brokem.
(drums fingers on desk)
BEEP BOOP BORP
Hey Norm, it's Kirk. Chupto?
HAMBURGER FIGHT WITH THE MISSUS, WE HAD A COUPLE POUNDS THAT WERE ABOUT TO GO BAD
YOU WANT IN OR WHAT
Be there in 10.