Notre Dame Tried to Contact Kirk Ferentz? Okay Then
by Adam Jacobi on Dec 9, 2009 5:06 PM CST
in Football
40 comments
BEEEEEEEEP
Coach? There's a
No.
Fine. Mr. Ferentz, there's
NO. Use your secretary voice.
sigh
(Mrs. Doubtfire-voice) There's a call for you on line two sir, righty-o!
Better, but what's with the accent?
I dunno. I'm bored. This job sucks.
It's what you get for deserting us last year. Anyway, I'll take the call. Thanks, Martha.
Can't you just call me Ken?
Of course not, Martha. Big boy business now. Too-de-loo.
BEEP CLICK WHIRR
This is Kirk.
Yeah, hi Kirk, Jack Swarbrick here. I'm the AD at a school called Notre Dame. Perhaps you've heard of it.
What do you want?
We were just curious on a scale of 9 to 10, where 1 is "would only go to Notre Dame for at least $2 million per" and 10 is "you pay us $2 million a year to coach here," how much you're looking forward to being our next coach.
No.
Kirk, c'mon, no offense, but this is Notre Dame. Iowa's just a stupid state with vowels and a birdy mascot.
No.
So by "no," you're actually like a 5 or 6, kinda wanting to break even?
No.
How about we talk money. What's it going to take? $2 million a year? Maybe $1 million?
No.
Look, Kirk, I'm just trying to gauge your interest in this, clearly one of the top 2 jobs in the world.
It's taking an awful lot of patience to not just start making fart noises at you over the phone.
How about $1.1 million and your own parking spot in a commuter lot.
PHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLBPHLB
Oh come on!
FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT
Look, I don't need to take this from you, Ferentz!
I think you do.
You're not that big a deal. You're like 7th on our list. At best. Show some respect.
So that many people have turned down your crappy job?
NO! ...maybe. Son of a gun.
Look, I'd be happy to put you back on the line with my secretary; he's also my offensive coordinator and he's probably decorating cupcakes with Legos and wondering why they don't taste good right now.
(peeking head in) Mithter Ferenth, I don't wanna imperrup, but I tfink I chipped a toof. I go home?
He's all yours for $25 million a year, 10 more million a year for Joe Moore's estate, and decoration rights to your field.
WHAT?!
Check your inbox; I've already forwarded you an idea.
That is inappropriate! I have half a mind to hang up on you without offering you the job!
The finished product, of course, would include several leafy greens planted in the end zone.
And pubes.
Lots of pubes.
Good bye!
CLICK
Good save on the cupcake gag, Ken. Nice looking out. You keep that up, I won't make you be Secretary anymore.
Fankth but my toof really ith brokem.
sigh
Go home.
(leaves)
(drums fingers on desk)
(thinks)
BEEP BOOP BORP
HELLO
Hey Norm, it's Kirk. Chupto?
HAMBURGER FIGHT WITH THE MISSUS, WE HAD A COUPLE POUNDS THAT WERE ABOUT TO GO BAD
YOU WANT IN OR WHAT
Be there in 10.
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God I wish
Ferentz would actually do this. But no. You know he’s too polite. He’d just laugh and hang up.
But KOK is still going to have to dress up
It never gets to be easy
That's just wrong
But funny.
"Wow. You know you have problems when even the cheerleaders know you suck." ~ Pain in the Sash
by Leftcoast Hawk on Dec 9, 2009 5:16 PM CST up reply actions
I really hate BHGP
Ever since I joined, my productivity in not just work, but life in general has gone in the shitter.
Pubes = brilliant.
"Wow. You know you have problems when even the cheerleaders know you suck." ~ Pain in the Sash
This is why I keep showing up here. Perfection.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Dec 9, 2009 5:19 PM CST reply actions
Ah, Norm
When will you NOT come up with a life-endangering idea of ‘fun’? Awesome.
A tip of my pimphat/sombrerro to you, sir.
You, are the master.
I have occupational turrettes... My job makes me swear uncontrolably at everyone.
It's too early for football to be over, goddamit!!
Brilliant
Now, if only you could work this photo of JIMMAH! into one of these…
They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Dec 9, 2009 7:01 PM CST reply actions
He truly looks
like one of the least enjoyable people on this planet.
/O'keefe'd
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Dec 9, 2009 11:26 PM CST up reply actions
Least enjoyable = Spencer Pratt. And this is freakishly close.
"Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad." - The Waco Kid
by HawkOnRails on Dec 10, 2009 12:26 AM CST up reply actions
Even less enjoyable still
I always think of this when I see the “blowout” cut.
by Brock Sampson on Dec 10, 2009 12:41 AM CST up reply actions
Don't Pratt and Clausen...
look like the kids who were cut from the Cobra Kai team?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Dec 10, 2009 11:31 AM CST up reply actions
Out of curiosity
Does anyone know what those rings Jimmy is showing off are from? Are they his? Because I’m pretty sure this picture is from the press conference where he announced he was going to attend Notre Dame. Is one of them his Jostens high school class ring? I have no problem believing that Clausen is a big enough douche to think that is something he “earned”.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I can't believe
Anyone pro team would draft him simply because of this picture. I don’t know what is more damning to the machismo of a football team, the hair or the hand (actually the wrist – really)
Seriously, what isn't better with bacon?
by The Bacon Explosion on Dec 10, 2009 9:19 AM CST up reply actions
I will pay you 20 BSD Bucks to write a "Notre Dame interviews Joe Paterno" post
"Andrew Jones....SEND IT IN, BIG FELLA!" - Bill Raftery, 4/2/09
What's the ratio of BSD Bucks to Oops Pow Nickels?
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Dec 9, 2009 8:22 PM CST up reply actions
I'm not sure
But BSD Bucks are bronze. What are Oops Pow Nickels? Pubes?
"Andrew Jones....SEND IT IN, BIG FELLA!" - Bill Raftery, 4/2/09
by ReadingRambler on Dec 9, 2009 9:46 PM CST up reply actions
foreskins
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Dec 9, 2009 11:16 PM CST up reply actions
Jesus knows but isn't telling.
"Wow. You know you have problems when even the cheerleaders know you suck." ~ Pain in the Sash
by Leftcoast Hawk on Dec 10, 2009 8:50 AM CST up reply actions
Tebow knows hims on a very personal level.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Dec 11, 2009 11:20 AM CST up reply actions
I really want to think that KF wouldn't do this stuff...
But I have a feeling you hit the nail on the head… again. Well done.
Please...
let that be the end zone that is not nearest Third-and-Long Jesus.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
Well...
the rest of the NCAA is looking down on Notre Dame right now, so…
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Dec 9, 2009 10:19 PM CST up reply actions
Jesus angrily throws his arms in the air after Pickles awkwardly scrambles (seriously, he's kinda like Bernie Kosar) short of the first down?
"Andrew Jones....SEND IT IN, BIG FELLA!" - Bill Raftery, 4/2/09
by ReadingRambler on Dec 9, 2009 11:35 PM CST up reply actions
If we can just arrange for that end zone
can call him pube Jesus, my life will be complete.
And yes, add that to the reasons I’m going straight to hell.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Dec 10, 2009 1:36 AM CST up reply actions
Oh my goodness...
I now have a new background. A background of pube salad.
by With Ferentz Like These... on Dec 10, 2009 1:05 AM CST reply actions
Brilliant!
It’s early and I didn’t sleep well – it’s all I got.
Life is hard. It's really hard if you're stupid.
i think the espn intern who cleans lou's spitguard is worse
but not by a hell of a lot.
Roll 'Bama Roll: The Champagne of 'Bama Blogs.
Zook's sec has probably worn out a couple of dozen sets of kneepads from Home Depot.
"Wow. You know you have problems when even the cheerleaders know you suck." ~ Pain in the Sash
by Leftcoast Hawk on Dec 10, 2009 12:20 PM CST up reply actions
we assume pubes in end zone
opposite Touchdown Jesus…
this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.
by pfac51 on Dec 10, 2009 3:29 PM CST via mobile reply actions
I have no idea what a hamburger fight is
but it sounds awesome.
"Sweet lady fate, why dost thou piss on me so?"
C'mon, it's obvious
Each person gets like 2 or 3 pounds of raw hamburger, and you throw it at each other. It’s like snowballs. With beef.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
And e. coli
Every sport needs an element of danger.
by Brock Sampson on Dec 11, 2009 5:18 PM CST up reply actions
Heh. Is that all?
I was wracking my brain trying to come up with prurient connotations.
"Sweet lady fate, why dost thou piss on me so?"
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