Even their cheerleaders think they suck

Just when you thought ESPN couldn't get any dumber, they go and do something like this...

 

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My workplace has a subscription to ESPN the Magazine, which comes in handy when you need something to look at in the kitchen for 2 minutes while you're making toast.  I was just thumbing through to see if there was anything worth reading and it turns out, yes....yes there was. 

The article that jumped off the page was titled, "6 Things You Should Know About Cheering For a Losing Team," and right smack in the middle of the page was a photo of a Northwestern cheerleader.  If that wasn't enough, she has the biggest shit-grin on her face I have ever seen and her name is Krissy Cox.  Krissy......Cox.  I can't make up stuff like this.

Then it got better.  Ms. Cox verified everything you ever thought to be true about Northwestern.  Here's what she had to say:

"Since Northwestern isn’t known for sports, we do worry sometimes that our squad might get dissolved…"

 I can see how that would be a legitimate concern.  The cheerleaders are always the first to go.  Good start.

 

"It helps that we're on grass beacause we can be more acrobatic.  So even though crowds get pretty thin.......we can stay creative and throw harder stunts."

 Now come on, Krissy, your crowds aren't so bad. 

  

"Losing tests our ability.  We want to encourage the team to keep pushing even though we know that no amount of cheering will raise them up"

 Maybe you're just doing it wrong.  Iowa's football team got behind a lot this year, but with the right amount of cheering our team would usually respond with a victory*.   

 

"We continue to support them by cheering for each play as if it were successful."

 That's the kind of glass-half-full attitude you need to have in order to be a Northwestern cheerleader.  Hey!  A minus two yard rush!  YAAAAAAAY TEAM!!!!  Cheering for shitty plays is a perfect example of how you're doing it wrong.

 

"We all care if we win or lose, but the emotion fades quickly…..What Northwestern lacks in success, we make up for in perspective."

 This is actually a very good point and one that I can relate to personally.  What I lack in wisdom and good looks, I make up for with sweat pants and an insatiable hunger for chocolate pudding.  I'd call that a push.

 

And the money shot:

"When it’s clear we aren’t going to win, it’s definitely harder to cheer.  Losing by, say, 40 causes a negative energy that is distracting"

 

HAHAHAHAHA!  Yeah, it sucks to lose by 40.  I love how she chose such a randomly huge number for her team to be losing by.  But hey, who knows better than someone with a front row seat?

I have a feeling she's been a Northwestern fan her entire life.

 

 

*I realize we lost to Northwestern, but they purposely hurt our quarterback, which is cheating and I fucking hate cheaters. 

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