Pulp Brewster

by Cornshoe Hammaker on Dec 10, 2009 7:35 PM CST

[Well, we're definitely bumping this.--OPS]

Scene: A shabby office on the campus of the University of Minnesota. Head Football Coach Tim Brewster is cornered on a chair, having a "discussion".

I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about the Kansas job. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Joel Maturi look like?

What?

What country are you from?

What?

What ain't no country I've ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?

What?

English mother fucker! Do you speak it?

GO FIGHT TRY WIN BEST

Describe what Joel Maturi looks like. And say 'what' again. I dare you. I double dare you mother fucker! Say 'what' one more Goddamn time!

He's old.

Go on.

He's white.

Does he look like a bitch?

What?

BOOM

(Brewster's lower left leg goes flying off at the knee)

GO FIGHT TRY PAIN

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

NO!

Then why are you trying to fuck him like a bitch, Tim?

I didn't!

Yes you did! Yes you did, Tim. And Joel Maturi don't like to be fucked by nobody but Mrs. Maturi.

GO FIGHT TRY STAY AT MINNESOTA

That's what I thought.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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Comments

I wish I knew what was in Joel Maturi's briefcase

by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Dec 10, 2009 9:11 PM CST reply actions

I'm too lazy

to Photoshop this up,

It’s a copy of “How To Hire Half-Ass Coaches” by whoever hired the last few Notre Dame guys. First edition, autographed.

In 100 years, we'll all be dead.

by Flakbait on Dec 10, 2009 11:21 PM CST up reply actions

Dozens of copies of error filled pre season football guides.

With 55-0 omissions

by HawkeyeRecon on Dec 11, 2009 8:34 AM CST up reply actions

Astroglide, paper towel roll, and a gopher...

by TEXaco on Dec 11, 2009 9:22 AM CST up reply actions

In Related News...

It looks like the boosters at Illinois are pushing for Zook to get Zook’d from Illinois.

They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!

by recoveringfratguy on Dec 11, 2009 11:24 AM CST reply actions

Just A Thought

"There are guys like me,’’ said one booster, who said he donates $30,000 per year to the university. "I’m just the tip of the iceberg. What I’m hearing is half aren’t going to renew on season tickets and half won’t donate to the (scholarship) fund.

I wonder what scholarship fund they are talking about. If it’s for football scholarships, I guess that’s fair enough. If it’s the general scholarship fund, that’s just wrong. You don’t punish regular students because the football program stinks.

Either way this could work out though. Either Zook is there next year or Illinois farts around and doesn’t fire him for another month or so when their pool of potential coaches has been depleted by other schools in need.

In 100 years, we'll all be dead.

by Flakbait on Dec 11, 2009 11:44 AM CST up reply actions

Scholarships

I agree that this shouldn’t come out of the general scholarship fund; however, that is the issue when it comes to dealing with boosters.

Also, talk about the two worst schools to be a potential coaching candidate for: Illinois and Notre Dame. Sure, they don’t care about football at Illinois, but still, it’s fucking Illinois.

They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!

by recoveringfratguy on Dec 11, 2009 12:03 PM CST up reply actions