Big Ten Cage Match

Imagine the following hypothetical, the current Big Ten coaches square off in the Octagon.  To be fair and ensure a level playing field, each coach will assume the form of “their best day,”  For example, a 21 year old Joe Pa, Ferentz, etc. 


The seeding is as follows:


  1. Bilema
  2. Fitzgerald
  3. Brewster
  4. Hope
  5. Ferentz            
  6. Rodriguez
  7. Zook                           
  8. Dantanio
  9. Lynch
  10. Paterno
  11. Tressel


The Highlights from the first round:


(8) Dantonio vs (9) Lynch;  Lynch enters the Octagon raving like a lunatic about Dantonio having too many people in his posse.  While Lynch is chasing down the referee, citing the specific infraction, Dantonio is cool as a mother fucking cucumber.  The fight is over quickly, Dantonio slips a wild roundhouse attempt by Lynch and comes up behind him with a firm choke hold.  Lynch does manage to reach back and gauge out one of Dantonio’s eyes just before losing consciousness.  Although Dantonio won, the loss of the eye will cost him in his upcoming bouts.


(7) Zook vs (10) Paterno:  Zook enters the ring with short shorts, a half shirt and matching wrist bands/head band.  Paterno enters the ring in a “turn of the century” boxing singlet extending his arms forward with a slight bend at the elbows, clenched fists (ala early 20th century fighting stance), circling Zook.  The fight starts and Zook comes flying at Paterno like a wild animal, latches onto his head and bites off his nose.  The crowd is appalled and Zook is immediately disqualified.  Zook, clueless to what just happened, is standing over the hemorrhaging Paterno begging him to get up and fight.


(6) Rodriguez vs (11) Tressel;  Rich Rod enters the ring cool, confident, almost cocky.  A young, spry Tressel enters the ring in trademark sweater vest, tie and gray slacks.  The fight begins and Rich Rod comes charging at Tressel.  Tressel recoils and keeps backing away.  Rich Rod, only encouraged by the retreating Tressel, pounces and quickly applies a submission hold.  When asked about his fight strategy, Tressel said he thought it would be too risky to throw punches and was waiting for Rich Rod to wear himself out.


(4) Hope vs (5) Ferentz;  Ferentz enters the ring and immediately goes over to Hope and tells him how much he respects him as a fighter and he really appreciates the opportunity to fight him.  Hope slaps away Ferentz’s hand and says:  “Don’t try that classy, nice guy shit with me Ferentz, I am going to kick your ass.  The crowd reacts with a series of boos, heckles and a young Norm Parker nails Hope in the head with is beer.  The fight begins and both fighters exchange conservative jabs.  Hope lands the first big strike which sends Ferentz reeling to the corner, Ferentz composes himself quickly and strikes back with a series of perfectly executed combinations sending Hope to the canvas with 15 seconds left in the first round.  The elated Hawkeye fans are chanting finish him, however Ferentz decides to just keep his distance and waits for the bell for round 2.  Hope comes out at the beginning of round 2 and knocks Ferentz unconscious with his first punch.


(8) Dantonio vs (1) Bilema;  Bilema enters the ring with the confidence and swagger of a champion.  Dantonio, sporting an eye patch, appears skittish and intimidated.  The fight is over as soon as it begins.  Bilema opens with a devastating roundhouse to Bilema’s blind side which sends him reeling to the canvas.  Bilema immediately goes to the ground and pound and as he is pulled off, Dantonio is left a bloody mess.


(2) Fitzgerald vs (10) Paterno “Sans Nose”;  Paterno enters the ring in his trademark fighting stance, singlet and a cluster of tape where his nose used to be.  Fitzgerald bounces into the ring gives a wave to the fans and realizes he only has 7 fans in the 15,000 seat auditorium there to support him, the rest are naturally there for Paterno.  With a shrug, Fitzgerald says, “That seems about right” and goes about the business of getting ready to kick some ass.  Again, this fight is over as soon as it begins with Fitzy pouncing on Paterno and hammering the tape cluster in the middle of Paterno’s face.  Fitzgerald is pulled away and gives a wave to his seven fans.


(3) Brewster vs (6) Rodriguez;  Brewster enters the ring to music, fireworks, dancing girls and a posse of 140 people taking an hour and a half.  The fight begins and Brewster lands a series of stiff jabs and he begins taunting Rich Rod:  OMG!!!!!!!!!, I AM KICKING YOUR ASS.  A frustrated Rich Rod dives for Brewster’s legs only to get a knee to the face rendering him unconscious.  I JUST KNOCKED YOUR PUNK ASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ,  BOOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NEXT!!!!!!!!!!


(1) Bilema vs (4) Hope;     The prefight is filled with Hope’s corner psyching him up and giving him all kinds of advice to grab Bilema’s balls, David vs Goliath, etc.  Bilema is not paying attention as he is trying to work one of the girls next to the ring and drinking a beer.  The fight begins and Hope is wary of Bilema’s range and power trying to keep his distance and sneak in a jab.  Bilema looks annoyed at having to chase Hope around and exclaims “Fuck This,” charges Hope, tackling him to the canvas and proceeds with smashing his face.


(2) Fitzgerald vs (3) Brewster;  Brewster enters the ring with his usual pageantry, Fitzgerald bounces into the ring and couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw 12 fans in the stands there to support him.  Holy Shit!, exclaimed Fitzgerald my fan support nearly doubled.  Fitzgerald then felt nervous about having to perform in front of such a large crowd.  The expectations, the pressure, it all started building up inside Fitzy.  As soon as the anxiety welled up, it disappeared when the fight began and Fitzgerald was all business.  Brewster was hit with an opening barrage of jabs, punches and kicks to which we exclaimed:  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!,  THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fitzgerald pressed on and left Brewster crying on the canvas after well executed submission hold.


(1)Bilema vs (2) Fitzgerald;   Fitzgerald enters the ring and is amazed to see 26 fans screaming their support. In a way, he already felt like a winner, however he knew there was business to be taken care of.  Bilema was eating a hot dog and looked like he just woke up when the fight started.  Both fighters were cautious, feeling each other out with jabs.  Fitzgerald, still a bit overwhelmed by the fan support, kept repeating the mantra in his head:  “Don’t let them down,”  “Don’t let them down.”  As Fitzgerald is distracted by his rabid fan support, Bilema smashes him in the face with an elbow sending him to the canvas.  As Fitzgerald attempts to regain his composure, Bilema allows no quarter and kicks him in the face.  Fitzgerald is, again sent to the canvas in horrific fashion.   Bilema kneels beside Fitzgerald and grabs the back of his head.  “Hey Pat,” you see this tattoo mother fucker?”  Fitzgerald’s eyes are not focusing, blood is pouring from his mouth, nose, etc, Fitzgerald attempts to grunt some type of a response.  Bilema’s finishing move is to repeatedly smash Fitzgerald’s face into his Hawkeye tattoo. 


The end.



Historically, it would be interesting to see Evy, Hayes, and Schembechler in the mix, Lou Holtz would have to be in strong contention for the bottom seed.





Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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