The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Seals The Deal

Scene: A familiar football office. The regular season is over, and the phones have largely stopped ringing, save for bored reporters. The same faces are in the office, but only to put in their minimum of hours for payroll's sake. An aging man stares at a newspaper, bewildered.

Iconjoepa_medium THIS CROSSWORD MAKES NO SENSE

Iconjoepa_medium THERE IS NO NINE-LETTERED WORD WITH A FIVE AND A DEVIL'S E IN IT

Jaypa_medium What, that? That's a 3, Dad.

Iconjoepa_medium NOT ANOTHER WORD OF YOUR SECULAR NONSENSE, JUNIOR

Jaypa_medium Sorry, Dad; I didn't mean to denigrate such a great and noble vowel.

Iconjoepa_medium I DID MOVE A GREAT AND NOBLE BOWEL THIS WEEKEND

Iconjoepa_medium THANKSGIVING WILL DO THAT TO YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT

Iconsecretary_medium Ew. Anyway, that isn't even a crossword. You're doing it all wrong.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT IS THIS

Jaypa_medium That's a sudoku. You put the numbers 1 thr

Iconjoepa_medium A WHAT

Iconsecretary_medium Sudoku. It's Japanese.

Iconjoepa_medium CONFOUND THOSE EAST ASIAN JACKALS

Iconjoepa_medium SO LONG AS I'M HEAD HONCHO OF THIS GREAT PROGRAM, I'LL NEVER USE ONE OF THEIR BASTARD WORDS IN MY VOCABULARY

Jaypa_medium Why don't you read the rest of the paper? Says here Charlie Weis got fired.

Iconjoepa_medium FINE

Jaypa_medium And there's going to be a new season of Burn Notice!

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT

Jaypa_medium Yeah, I know, slow news day. Wait--Dad, holy crap! Bobby Bowden's retiring!

Iconsecretary_medium Why, that must be wonderful news, Mr. Paterno!

Iconjoepa_medium OH

Jaypa_medium Yeah, check it out. So you win! The win record's all yours and nobody's probably ever going to take it.

Iconjoepa_medium OH

Iconjoepa_medium HOW ABOUT THAT

Iconsecretary_medium You... you don't seem all that thrilled.

Iconjoepa_medium NOT REALLY

Jaypa_medium Are you just more focused on getting the team ready for the bowl? Because that probably makes more sens

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconjoepa_medium GOD DAMN IT, BOBBY

Iconsecretary_medium ...Mr. Paterno?

Iconjoepa_medium I NEED A DRINK

Iconjoepa_medium WHISKEY AND SECRETARY BLOOD

Iconsecretary_medium I should go now.

Jaypa_medium Why aren't you ecstatic, Pops? You spent your entire life chasing and keeping that record. Now you have it. I don't get it.

Iconjoepa_medium THAT'S JUST IT

Iconjoepa_medium NOW I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO DO

Jaypa_medium Except coach Penn State football, you mean! Ha, ha, ha!

Iconjoepa_medium THIS JOB IS GOING TO BE SO MISERABLE NOW

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