Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to Northwestern
by StoopsMyAss on Nov 5, 2009 1:00 PM CST
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Print10. The Aristocrats. While most college football teams these days are finding ways to include black in their uniform color scheme, Northwestern is exclusively devoted to their purpleness. Where commoners see purple as merely a mix of blue with red, Northwestern sees subliminal power. Someone is thinking up there in Evanston, because human color psychology defines purple as associated with nobility and, naturally, football dominance. Meanwhile, the unimaginative Iowa uniform color scheme relies heavily on the color black, which just like the notion of a Ricky Stanzi pass efficiency rating, is technically an oxymoron. Black is the very absence of all color, and thus associated with obscurity and imminent death---come to think of it, much like the Hawkeyes. Expect Northwestern's imperial majesty to reduce the Hawkeyes to BCS nonexistence on Saturday.
9. Myocardial Infarction. Smoking, a high fat diet, and a lack of exercise have nothing on the Iowa Hawkeyes. Kirk Ferentz's squad is one more nail-biter away from being classified by the American Heart Association as a serious heart risk. Since Ricky Stanzi was tabbed Iowa's starting quarterback early in the 2008 season the Hawkeyes have had a fondness for taut, stress inducing games that go down to the wire. Of Iowa's last 21 games, 10 have been won or lost by five or fewer points. Up to now the Cardiac Hawks have found ways to survive these scares, but expect this to be the outcome this Saturday.
8. Sweet Escape. Yes, Northwestern has a bad reputation. To paraphrase Woody Hayes after beating the Wildcats in his first year as head coach: "Who let these stiffs into the conference?" Okay, they've loosened up since then...kind of. Northwestern still hasn't beaten Ohio State but once in the past 38 years, and still owns the most losses in NCAA Division I history, but recently against everyone else they are a football version of the Shawshank Redemption. Northwestern busted through a hole in the wall some 15 years ago against the Hawkeyes and since sports a winning 7-5 record, winning the last two played at Kinnick no less. Expect the Wildcats to reunite with victory in a small Mexican coastal Eastern Iowa town on Saturday.
7. Hosty With The Mosty. Opponents that have visited Kinnick this year are finding Ricky Stanzi to be a most generous host. His passes are his football crudités, politely gobbled up by his appreciative guests. In three of five home games Stanzi has served up a Pick Six and most recently was intercepted five times. Ironically it was against the team that came the closest of all (UNI) to beating the Hawkeyes at home, that Stanzi did not throw an interception. Stanzi is averaging a shade under two interceptions per home game thus far and has done his level best to sabotage every game he's played at Kinnick. Expect this to be the week that Stanzi gets over the hump, and serves up the game on a doily-lined platter to Northwestern.
6. Green Acres. Iowa's walk-on safety from Bettendorf is hurt and that means Kafka or whomever they throw under center will be farming the middle of the field on Saturday. With all due respect to Iowa's back-up safeties, the Hawkeyes will profoundly miss its savvy centerfielder, Brett Greenwood. You'll know Iowa is in really deep doo doo if you see Jack Swanson, aka TV Dinner, running around like a chicken with vegetables baked in a flaky piecrust.
5. Do More With Less. Ryan Seacrest, Fall Out Boy, and Matthew McConaughey could only dream of squeezing more success out of less talent than do the Northwestern Wildcats. Northwestern does not even attempt to recruit actual athletes because their admissions standards are just so darn high. Well, there's that and real men wouldn't be caught dead in purple. As a result, the Wildcats find themselves competing not with Stanford, Cal, or even Michigan for prized recruits, but with Rice, Duke, Vanderbilt and the Ivy's for that handful of players who can walk and do advanced trigonometry at the same time. Despite being at an athletic disadvantage, look for Northwestern to outwit the Hawkeyes this Saturday.
4. Gerald Fits Pat. Northwestern's coach is young, enthusiastic and passionate. But not in a brash Lane Kiffin sort of way, but rather in a Richard Simmons, circa 1983, sort of way. The irreproachably pure Pat Fitzgerald with his high energy and "you can do it!" approach is perfect for a school whose football program prior to his arrival as a linebacker in the mid-1990s was melded to the couch shoving boxes of Twinkies down its throat. Fitzgerald has the football program as fit and healthy as ever, so expect Wildcats to have Iowa sweatin to the oldies this Saturday.
3. Wildcat Nation. Does any team have a more fervent or ferocious following than the Northwestern Wildcats? Expect Wildcat Nation to descend upon Iowa City with Oxfords shined, Navy Blazers pressed, and Blackberry's fully charged ready to turn Kinnick into Ryan Field South on Saturday. When they all break into song with their "Go U Northwestern" and chant, "Spread far the fame or our fair name, Go! Northwestern win that game." You know you're status is...done.
2. Kafka-esque. Has any college football team, indeed any football season, been more resembling of a Franz Kafka story than the one the Hawks are experiencing right now? In fact, the similarities are eerie. In Kafka's The Castle, for example, the main character (whose name is simply K...hello! K?!?!) diligently works to gain respect and recognition of the veiled establishment known as "The Castle" (read BCS Championship). The Castle's officials (as in the poll voters) govern the village where K wants to work as a head coach, er, land surveyor. Villagers (that tacky mainstream media) hold the officials and the castle in the highest esteem, explaining away their questionable actions, in some cases to comical extremes. As with any Kafka story, the villagers do not seem to have any clue what these officials actually do or why they do it. In the end, the villagers merely defend their actions. Hmmm....look for the real K to have a similar fate to that which Kafka intended the fictional K to experience: be given permission to live and work but with no valid claim to the community. This Saturday will merely be more justification for the officials' claims of Iowa's illegitimacy.
1. Norm Parker. Need I say more?
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"Ryan Field South"
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Nov 5, 2009 1:08 PM CST reply actions
I'm seeing Red (Crimson)
I believe there are more IU fans there then jNWU fans. That or my eyes are shot.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Nov 5, 2009 1:19 PM CST up reply actions
Next Year...
That stadium is going to be very full of fans in Black and Gold, and not too many wearing just Purple…
They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Nov 5, 2009 2:37 PM CST up reply actions
The one and only HFMR
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Nov 5, 2009 3:56 PM CST up reply actions
It was for the "Dear Northwestern Fan" post from last year
The one where I calmly explained to them why we would be jumping them for the Outback Bowl. When you can’t write for shit, you have to add crappy photos to distract people from your shortcomings.
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Nov 5, 2009 8:08 PM CST up reply actions
Not shortcomings
You were just very aware of the power of images. Picture worth a thousand words and all that
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
We're Fu...
nevermind. I hear this shtick is tired. And if there’s one thing I won’t stand for, it’s cold soup. Two things I won’t stand for, though, would also include tired shtick.
Way too superstitious to stop....
or we’d be even more fucked than we have been to date and that is seriously fucked.
Superstitious? What's that?
The only reason the Hawks are undefeated is because I’ve been wearing the same shirt to work every Friday and only drink Sam Adams beer. It has to be, there’s no other plausible explanation.
by Stay thirsty, my friends. on Nov 6, 2009 11:27 AM CST up reply actions
You're wrong.
The Hawks are undefeated because I’ve called and talked football with my college roommate every week this season and wore black and gold to work on Fridays. Also, because every game I’ve seen on television I have watched with only my wife. The downside is when people call to get together to watch the game we have to decline. You know, because otherwise the Hawks will lose.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Nov 6, 2009 11:37 AM CST up reply actions
No, you're wrong
The only reason we’re winning is because every Friday night I call a buddy of mine from law school and give him my “why I’m nervous about this game speech” and then wear my lucky Iowa sweatshirt (effective since PSU 2008) during the game!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Did that start last November before the PSU game?
If so, it was an interesting thing to change up to try to break the losing ways of the Hawks. Good show, sir.
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Nov 6, 2009 5:03 PM CST up reply actions
By the way, everyone...
…be sure to congratulate StoopsMyAss on his promotion to author status.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
Well now we're definitely fucked
You’ve gone and changed karma. Before, Stoops had to dutifully make up a FanPost, post it, get a few responses and wait for the inevitable and obligatory bump up. And we rode that procedure to 9-0! Now you’ve gone and messed with karma, making him a “writer”, as if he’s done something special around here what with his almost daily posts of brilliantly conceived and hilariously executed posts!
We’re fucked.
But not Stoops, he’s clearly earned this. Congrats good man!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
A well deserved honor
if there ever was one. Congrats you prolific, intelligent, son-a-bitch.
Iowa Basketball: We don't rebuild, we implode.
by three and out the kok story on Nov 5, 2009 2:43 PM CST up reply actions
Whoa, whoa, whoa... WHOA.
Just a minute there. Prolific, and son-of-a-bitch I’ll grant you but… seriously?
’grats SMA. Keep up the good work.
Brunettes not fighter jets
Congratulations SMA
Today, 10 reasons, tomorrow podcasts and next week, national fame and fortune. It started with a weekly schtick. Kudos
And Kudos to you, patron saints of BHGP because as we consumers of BHGP content know, the only thing better than a little BHGP is a lot of BHGP.
by Internet Legend on Nov 5, 2009 3:45 PM CST up reply actions
Congrats
Stoops. Well deserved!
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Nov 5, 2009 5:15 PM CST up reply actions
I'm just glad
the Top Ten Reasons has conitinued allowing me to focus my worry on specific items instead of just a rag tag pit of blech in my stomach.
And a hearty CONGRATULATIONS to Monsignor Stoops My Ass on his promotion!!!
Now you are making the BIG BUCKS, my friend.
This line
Ryan Seacrest, Fall Out Boy, and Matthew McConaughey could only dream of squeezing more success out of less talent than do the Northwestern Wildcats.
Had me crying tears of laughter for a solid 5 minutes.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
That would make two of us. Sheer brilliance.
by rinseandrepeat on Nov 5, 2009 2:33 PM CST up reply actions
This schtick is more tired than
But I’m superstitious, so…“We’re screwed.”
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Nov 5, 2009 2:12 PM CST reply actions
Reason #12:
Iowa was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. No team on the cover can be successful.
Oh wait, the Yankees were on the cover too this week, they lost last night, right? Yeah, um, I guess that argument doesn’t really work well anymore.
They took the bar, the whole fucking bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Nov 5, 2009 2:18 PM CST reply actions
Terrific
I still can’t get over the Kafka references.
This is the first time I’ve heard someone refer to a topic or scenario as “Kafka-esque” without immediately labeling them a douchebag.
It is truly a rare gift to be able to use that term in context without completely sounding like a pretentious ass. Well done, sir.
by Wegher Please! on Nov 5, 2009 2:18 PM CST via mobile reply actions
For all who are claiming "it's tired"
You are just throwing sand in the lube before we get fucked. And if you think it doesn’t matter, please refer to Bull Durham where Crash Davis breaks down how you always, ALWAYS respect a streak. Congrats and thanks to StoopsMyAss. Oh yeah, we’re fucked.
We are Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption
We might put up a valiant fight, but in the end, we’re fucked.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 5, 2009 3:12 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
His jacket needs a Tiger Hawk Logo.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Nov 5, 2009 3:14 PM CST up reply actions
Ricky: You know Derrell, whatever mistakes I made I’ve paid for and then some. A legitimate shot at the BCS title game…I don’t think it’s too much to want. To look at the stars in the stands just after halftime. Touch that crystal trophy sponsored by Sears. An interview on the College GameDay set after the game. To feel free.
Derrell: Goddamn it, Stanzi, stop! Don’t do that to yourself! Talking shitty pipedreams! The BCS is out there, and you’re in the Big Ten, and that’s the way it is!
Ricky: You’re right. It’s out there, and I’m in the Big Ten. I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy politicking.
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
Oh, I can't stop laughing
Oh while I shed these tears of joy, I bow to your greatness SMA.
Congrats on the annointed authorship and look forward to many more brilliant masterpieces.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Nov 5, 2009 4:00 PM CST up reply actions
Lord, I fogot it’s the “Sears” trophy. Has anyone actually been in a Sears in the last decade? The only ones I see are in trashy malls that have more security guards than patrons. Need a new sponsor. How about the Dirty John’s trophy? The Deadwood trophy? Fuck, I’m old. My hangouts are all probably gone.
Nope, The Deadwood is still up and smoking.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Nov 5, 2009 4:01 PM CST up reply actions
Excellent
Just Excellent work right there.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 5, 2009 5:50 PM CST up reply actions
We're fucked
Like the stripper, when Brasky ate the whole cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Fuck, we’re fucked
"My momma always said, 'It's better to eat shit than to not eat at all.'" --Rube Baker
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding?
You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl. Well, Brasky shows up. And you know he’s a big fella! Goes about 7’8", 530. So, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos – he fucks me like I’ve never been fucked before.
That’s how fucked we are.
Brunettes not fighter jets
Not to be disrespectful or anything . . .
but have you guys seen Van Wilder? Remember the part where the guy totally craps in the waste basket in front of (hmmmm . . . ) the Northwestern med school committee, and he yells, “I’m bleeeeeeding!”? Is it me, or does the picture of Fitzgerald at the top of this article look like he’s doing the same thing?
by The Naked Bootleg on Nov 5, 2009 4:13 PM CST reply actions
Ahhhh Tara Reid...
We somehow got her cell phone number my senior year. So we posted it at our house parties.
She never picked up though.
Did you know that KOK and NORM were extras on the BIG LEBOWSKI?
by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 5, 2009 4:51 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
+1,000,000
Your an artist in every sense of the word my friend, Bravo!
i don't wife em...i one night em
by smokinthereiff on Nov 5, 2009 6:33 PM CST up reply actions
Very nice
“Let me tell you somethin pendejo, you pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash your piece out on the lanes. I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass, and pull the fuckin trigga till it goes, CLICK! " -KOK
That University of Iowa Communications Degree
Keeps paying dividends. Thanks guys.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 5, 2009 7:49 PM CST up reply actions
we're fucked like
Jeff Fisher’s job security
this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.
by pfac51 on Nov 5, 2009 6:11 PM CST via mobile reply actions
It appears
Like Pat will be nice about it, but we’re still fucked.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 5, 2009 6:29 PM CST reply actions
Squealing like a pig fucked
"If Ron Zook were an ice cream flavor, it would be praline and retard"
-Garth Algar
by Tree Meister on Nov 5, 2009 10:01 PM CST up reply actions
Dear Editor
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that iowa is the worst 9-0 team EVER. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is iowa the worst 9-0 team EVER?
- Virginia O’Hanlon, hawk fan!
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, OR bandwagon gaturds are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, Iowa is 9-0 and their strength of schedule far and away exceeds those ranked ahead of them. THE BSC IS A JOKE. the polls exists as certainly for name team love and generosity that they all go by. POPULARITY. the best qualified as compared to the human polls does not exist. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no underdog teams like IOWA! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believing iowa is 9-0 and deserving! You might as well not believe in fairies. but even if you did not see IOWA being 9-0 coming, what would that prove? Nobody watches iowa but iowa fans and haters who want them to lose WHEN THEY ARE BEHIND, but that is no sign that iowa is the worst 9-0 team ever. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. IOWA is 9-0 and the ONLY 9-0 team. Thank God! the hawkeyes live and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, the hawkeyes will continue to make glad the heart of childhood and adulthood alike.
The worst 9-0 team in the world still has a better record than the world's best 8-1 team.
So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.
Except that in today's bizarro world...
…many people think that the world’s best 8-1 team is a better team than the 9-0 team THAT BEAT THEM HEAD-TO-HEAD.
Does anyone know if it’s true that the repeated mixing of football and common sense creates some toxic green cloud from which only Tim Tebow can save us?
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Nov 6, 2009 9:13 AM CST up reply actions
Sorry, but...
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Nov 6, 2009 11:51 AM CST reply actions
OK...
THIS ONEA takes the fucking cake.
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
Just saw a Fellini film obviously (or a Lawrence Welk rrun)
“onea”…“towa”…“threea”
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
There isn't an epic big enough
for this win
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Nov 6, 2009 6:40 PM CST up reply actions
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