FanPost

Stanzi is a Vampire: Our Success Explained

It's my first time.  Be gentle.

Over breakfast this morning, I discovered that Marc Morehouse, this poster's go-to sportswriter for everything Hawkeye (along with Hlas and BGHP, that is), has quietly published what may simultaneously be the most shocking yet logical journalistic discovery regarding the Hawkeyes to date.  Hold onto your hats people: Quarterback Ricky Stanzi, it turns out, is a vampire.  The Manzi explains the benefits thusly:

"You live forever. You’re never cold, you’re never hot. You’re the perfect temperature. Everything athletic comes easily. You’ve got to read the books to understand. Believe me, you want to be on the vampire side of this. Believe me. If you read it, you’d understand it. Vampires are the winners."

Now, some of you who followed the link or read the article of your own accord may be thinking "Hur hur, nice try newb, but he was talking about whether werewolves or vampires are better, not being a vampire himself."  Well, first off, fuck you.  Enjoy the joke.  Secondly, Stanzi as a vampire makes absolutely perfect sense.

Stanzi after Michigan State, AP Photo/Al Goldis

Neither photoshop nor witty comment necessary. Credit: AP Photo/Al Goldis

Consider: Since he took the helm, both Stanzi and his team have lived forever, at least as best a somewhat shitty analogy can allow.  With the Swinging Dick under center, they have either won every game or been in a position to do so in the final minutes, executed two borderline-supernatural final minute drives FTW, and racked up a winning streak bested only by the defending MNC.  Further, the never cold, never hot, perfect temperature thing describes Stanzi's game temperament to a tee, as he is notoriously unphased by the ups and downs on the field.  And, if you want to get all literal with this, he has led the team to impressive wins in both the frigid upper Midwest and balmy Florida, but whatever.  "Everything athletic comes easily."  Well, that just speaks for itself.

As for the more-than-a-little-creepy urgent push for the vampire cause, I would consider this fair warning to his teammates to watch their necks.  As we know from his interviews, winning is what matters to Stanzi; since being a vampire gives such an advantage, wouldn't winning would be all the easier with an entire team of vampires? 

There are probably downsides to the whole vampire thing that I don't want to take the time to look up, but if it results in continuing the winning streak and staying on the path to Pasadena (on the 1st or 7th), well, it's time for everybody to take one for the team and get the bite. 

James Vandenberg, it looks like you're first.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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