Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will...

by StoopsMyAss on Nov 12, 2009 3:00 PM CST in Football Comment 56 comments

The Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose list has been taken off-line for the remainder of the season. The list was horribly inaccurate for longer than I ever could have hoped. Ironically it was the 10th game that neutralized its power.

But I personally would feel empty not having some sort of list to credit for Iowa's victory this Saturday, so I have created a sincere list of reasons why Iowa will win.

Get ready to feel lucky!

Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Beat The Motherfucking Shit Out Of Ohio State!

10. Good Health. Hawks are in great health heading to The Shoe. While you focus on Stanzi, Robinson, Chaney, Jr., Sandeman, Greenwood, and Richardson....I focus on Moeaki!

9. Fashion Forward Play Calling. I put a note underneath Ken O'Keefe's townhouse front door (yeah, he lives in a townhouse) on Thursday. I made some suggestions, provided some feedback, and left my email address on the off-chance he wanted to respond. Well, guess what? Now he emailed me this in total confidence, so shut your yap after I tell you: he's going to leave the naked bootleg out of the game plan for Saturday. There, everyone happy?

8. Dutch Boy. Get this! Vandenberg means "on or near the low hill" in Dutch. I was hoping for a naming omen and this was not helpful, at all.

7. Sitting Duck. Young James Vandenberg apparently is quite the duck hunter. And those who know about duck hunting know that it requires a gun, decoys and optimism. Those should all come in handy this Saturday.

6. Checking Pre-flop with Pocket Pair (Aces). Buckeye coach Jim Tressel plays it literally and figuratively close to the vest. So, expect him to wait for Iowa to mistake its way into a loss on Saturday. Given the Hawks recent turnover ratio, sounds like a safe move. Tressel would do well though to remember this ancient Dutch proverb: The little man who seeks safety only opens the door to his own mortal fear.

5. The Eyes Have It. Buckeyes v. Hawkeyes? In the Rochambeau of nicknames, I'll take bird over nut, all day long.

4. Statistical Odds. Ohio State is 44-14-4 against Iowa all-time. And since the Kennedy administration the Buckeyes have lost to Iowa a grand total of 3 times. Three! The chances of that happening are one in a godzillion. So unlike in any previous year, the statistical odds are definitely in our favor.

3. Alive and Kicking. Ohio State's place-kicker, Aaron Pettrey, is out for the season with a knee injury, so inexperienced Devin Barclay has taken his place. If Iowa can stop the Buckeyes in the Old Spice Zone and force Barclay to convert field goals, then look the fuck out baby.

2. Mrs. T. With the injury to Ricky Stanzi, Terrelle Pryor remains the lone QB X-factor in the Big Ten. Pryor has one quasi-marquee win and a doozy of a choke on his resume so far. If Iowa can make him "take ownership" of this game, something that Jim Tressel meticulously game plans NOT to happen, then they have an excellent shot. Pryor is a man-child and under pressure has been known to have on-field emotional swings and outbursts that would make Oprah cringe. Expect Norm Parker to play Barbara Walters on Saturday and pressue the boy into a National TV crying fit.

1. Kirk Ferentz. Need I say more?

0 recs | Comment 56 comments

Story-email Email Printer Print

Comments

We're the opposite of fucked!

I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

by HoyaGoon on Nov 12, 2009 3:03 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Too true. It’ll be like butterflies and puppies for Iowa – pupbutts. Wait, that can’t be right. Buttpies! Victory is us.

by txhawkeye on Nov 12, 2009 3:50 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

It'll be a laugher, you're right.

I guess I should just sell my tickets and stay home and rake leaves, that is, if anyone would even want to buy my tickets, given that the happy outcome is so obvious. There will probably be all of 17,000 who even bother to show up for this game, because everyone knows that Vandenberg sorta rhymes with Hindenberg? and that was a fiery mess, wasn’t it, so they’re probably all going to feel safer watching the Bucks lose on their black-and-white TVs.

After studying JV’s photograph, I have to add that in addition to starting a quarterback with exactly zero starts outside the yawning maw that is the metropolis of Keokuk, and the like, we have the youngest looking quarterback in college football history. And they don’t.

So QED on that, Buckeye loser-faithful.

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Nov 12, 2009 3:16 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

See you there

I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I just get the feeling that we aren’t done yet. I’ll be the black guy in black and gold.

And you can take that to the bank.

by Hawkeye X on Nov 12, 2009 3:58 PM CST via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

I'll be there as well.

Look for a contingent tailgating right on Lane avenue across from Tommy’s Pizza. There will be 15-20 Iowa folks mixed in with a metric shit-ton of Buckeyes, but I promise anyone who stops by a beer.

Columbus Hawkeye - Not letting his superlatives run away with him since 1983

by ColumbusHawkeye on Nov 12, 2009 4:04 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Thanks, I will do that.

Does one wear Iowa colors for this game? Or will they just attract a mob of angry, violent, undereducated sorts from the other side?

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Nov 12, 2009 5:05 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I have heard

That osu fans are the worst. Not the worst in the conference but the worst period. I have heard a lot of negative stories from a lot of people. Nevertheless, I will be wearing the black and gold. There really isn’t anything I can do about it. I am compelled. My friends and I will be in the lot directly across from the stadium. I will be in a yellow sweatshirt and black vest drinking 312 in a hawkeye coozy. My first game in three years.

And you can take that to the bank.

by Hawkeye X on Nov 12, 2009 7:52 PM CST via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

Question for locals: My parking pass is for the "East Lot".

Should I use the pass, or just park a mile away and walk? (I hate two hour traffic lineups after games.)

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Nov 13, 2009 4:40 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

"I'll take bird over nut, all day long."

Unless that nut was McNutt of course…

"All the hay is in the barn as far as I'm concerned come game time" - The Legend Hayden Fry

by hawkeye4life on Nov 12, 2009 3:23 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

After the game last Saturday, I thought there was no way we could win this one.

Now I feel quite a bit more optimistic after reading about J Van’s high school accolades. The offense absolutely has to establish some type of rhythm though, and I think having Robinson back will help to do that. If Clayborn can get inside Pryor’s head that could make a huge difference in the direction of the game.

by HawkeyeRecon on Nov 12, 2009 3:30 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

KOK

Sorry Charlie. KOK does not live in a townhouse….I’m not going to fact check anything else for you.

by Hawkballs on Nov 12, 2009 3:56 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Satire

Look it up.

(I should be easy on the new guy, but c’mon. If you’re gonna join a blog, wait a few weeks before anointing yourself the fucking grammar and fact-checking czar.)

by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Nov 12, 2009 4:50 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I've said my dumb shit in the past, as have others

But I like the idea of a 7-day waiting period that BSD implemented. Because if there’s anything more dangerous than walking out of store with a gun 15 minutes after purchase, it’s commenting on satirical posts without knowledge of how shit’s run.

I think I realized this once I saw the picture of the Buckeye fan from the other post today.

by Twin Cities Hawk on Nov 12, 2009 4:56 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

"Buckeyes v. Hawkeyes? In the Rochambeau of nicknames, I'll take bird over nut, all day long."

What exactly is a Hawkeye? Why, it’s a hawk. But not just any hawk. A hawk with a sniper rifle. What does OSU have to compete with that?

Sam Lickliter. Never forgive. Never forget. Beat IU.

by ReadingRambler on Nov 12, 2009 4:10 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

The best part about the hawk having a sniper

rifle is that he doesn’t even need a scope on that bitch.

by TarHeelHawk on Nov 12, 2009 4:26 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

x1000000

by Leftcoast Hawk on Nov 12, 2009 4:27 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I looked up Stanzi's wiki page.....

by BuckeyFucker on Nov 12, 2009 4:14 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Stanzi's wikipedia page...

lists him as 17-3.5 as a starter. Nice.

"I'm not doing any good back here."

by Hawkaloogie on Nov 12, 2009 5:07 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Finally on the top

doin the fuckin

by ChryslerKinnick on Nov 12, 2009 4:38 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

They're fucked

by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Nov 12, 2009 4:52 PM CST reply actions 4 recs

Best comment ever.

by rinseandrepeat on Nov 12, 2009 4:57 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Fucking awesome

And you’re right, they are.

by Imustbreakyou on Nov 12, 2009 5:06 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Wow

I expected to get to the comments and see nothing but They’re fucked like….

Surprised it took this long, and there aren’t 100+ right now. Either incredible constraint or lack of awareness, I’m not sure.

It's not that I'm lazy, Bob, it's that I just don't care

by Colteyes on Nov 12, 2009 6:01 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

+1000

Just brilliant sir, round of applause.

by Nomo Stanziballs on Nov 12, 2009 6:28 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Reason #11 that we win.

Our youthful quarterback (he of the fuzzy cheeks and, according to Angerer, soft and fuzzy physique) is actually … a cherub. Here’s a recently discovered spy shot of our man Vandenberg. God wants us to win this game. He’s dispatched an official cherub to lead us. We may be outmanned but hey, so was Henry V at Agincourt. Agincourt did not end well for the French, of course. It’s a pity that the horseshoe will be stacked high, littered, with the bodies of OSU’s first and second string. As at Agincourt, when the first two battles, numbering 8000 men each, were decimated and annihilated. The third battle wave surrendered, recognizing their fate at the hands of … God. This is not a good weekend to be playing third-string for OSU.