The Panchero's Zombie Assault, Explained
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 27, 2009 3:30 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
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Hola Pancheros, what order
Que? Here or to go?
I like turtles
Que? No habla turtle, little English, habla Espanol, Pancheros. Burrito?
I like turtles
HEY COME ON NOW PAL I WANT TO ORDER A FOOD TO EAT WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA HEY
(turns around)
HOLY SHIT A ZOMBIE
PUNCH
Dude, that really hurt. You can't just punch me like that, I was doing my Halloween character! Everyone knows Zombie Kid!
THIS ZOMBIE'S TALKING TO ME
It's a fucking costume, man. That's it, I'm calling the cops.
NO NO NO SHIT ZOMBIES CAN'T USE PHONES
PUNCH
AWWW FUCK MY NOSE JESUS CHRIST
PEACE OUT I'M NOT EATING YOUR UNHOLY ZOMBIE BURRITOS
I... see. And that's how it all happened?
Yes, Sexy Cop.
And the assailant?
White guy, 6'0" to 6'2", 230 pounds. Err, 200. 200 to 230. Dark hair.
I see. Well, I think I know who did this.
(speaking into Sexy Cop Radio) All officers, be on the lookout for Steroid Ben Affleck.
What? Ben Affleck is like almost 40. I said--
No no no, when he takes steroids, he reverts back to 1994 Ben Affleck. Then this happens:
Does, um... does Iowa City have a big problem with Steroid Ben Affleck?
No, he's probably just passing through the state.
Doing what?
God only knows. (looks off into the distance, deep in sexy thought)
Weird. Can I go to the hospital now? My face is pretty messed up.
How about the sexy hospital!
(totally takes her top off)
If we may, Mr. Paterno
WHAT
THANK YOU
We're pretty sure that's not how it happened. Those are just videos you saw on the Internet.
ZOMBIE BOY IS REAL, HE LIKES TURTLES
And why are you even talking about that?
Don't you have anything to say about your football team instead?
NO
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Steroid Ben Affleck
Is officially my new favorite Affleck.
“Jeanie NOOOOO!!!” [Wall punch!]
[Consumes more steroids.]
I will haunt your dreams and eat your children.
Especially...
since you already had Juan Pablo Montoya behind the counter. That was him, wasn’t it?
by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Oct 27, 2009 3:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh god
How did I not think of making JP Montoya the “Mexican” behind the counter? I may have to go in and change that. You people are wicked.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
Make sure they're serving mescal behind that counter.
Go watch and listen to the last two Bob Griese pre-games, and how uncomfortable Spielman is, watching him slur his way through his game preview. I’m convinced Griese has an early morning appetite for the sauce.
This is the internet. We do scurrilous speculation.
But you heard it here first.
Mr. Boh Knows ...
Horatio Sans?
With a moustache
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 28, 2009 3:15 PM CDT up reply actions
From FanHouse
Good article about Griese’s comment.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 28, 2009 3:07 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm trying to decide what my favorite part of this is
Racist Panchero’s employee? Zombie Boy? “deep in sexy thought”? The picture of Paterno at the end? Or perhaps, Ben Affleck gunning for an Emmy as he consumes roughly 30000 times the recommended dose of some steroid, and begins to beat the shit of his girlfriend, the walls, and eventually, yes, the floor, all while imagining he’s hitting a blocking sled, before finally letting out the most heartfelt plee for help that television has seen since Jessie’s famed caffine pill addiction of Saved By the Bell. Really, it’s just an all around masterpiece, and you and Mr. Affleck are to be commended for it. Bravo, sirs. Bravo.
If there's one thing JoePa knows
it’s definitely zombies. COME TO PENN STHHHAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
And that...
…ends my work day. I think I may call in sick tomorrow and go looking for sexy cop. Where does one go to remain deep in sexy thought?
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 27, 2009 3:51 PM CDT reply actions
The Lumberyard
Or Woody’s
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions
Steroid Ben Affleck
Lives in a very flimsy house
He only makes it look that way because he's taken enough steorids to kill 12 elephants.
They instantly make you super strong and crazy, I bet you didn’t realize that.
It lacks little substance?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions
Might want to check the wording on that one, Safire.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
Touche
It should have said “which lacks substance”
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:16 PM CDT up reply actions
I have the flu right now
And let’s just say that these posts are exponentilaly awesome if you feel dazed.
DO YOU HAVE PRIDE, DANNY?
Steroids? There are no steroids
Unless they are smuggling it in the chorizo that is in those burritos.
Ummm turtle and steroid burrito, I guess that does explain a lot about those things at bar time.
Everybody wants a little milk of Michael
Does Steroid Ben Affleck have an eligibility left?
I’m not sure how many yards he could get but he sure seems motivated.
*any eligibility.
proof reading is taxing…
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2009 6:23 PM CDT up reply actions
If he was on steroids
shouldn’t he have been a little more muscular?
"How many things do you do where you are involved with 110,000 other people on the same page? Unless you're in an English class cheating with 30 other guys."
All the muscles were hid by the oversized flannel jacket.
Underneath the wool and the fury, he was mega shredded.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2009 8:38 PM CDT up reply actions
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