The Panchero's Zombie Assault, Explained

by Oops Pow Surprise on Oct 27, 2009 3:30 PM CDT in Football Comment 24 comments

Hola Pancheros, what order

I like turtles

Que? Here or to go?

I like turtles

Que? No habla turtle, little English, habla Espanol, Pancheros. Burrito?

I like turtles

HEY COME ON NOW PAL I WANT TO ORDER A FOOD TO EAT WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA HEY

(turns around)

HOLY SHIT A ZOMBIE

PUNCH

Dude, that really hurt. You can't just punch me like that, I was doing my Halloween character! Everyone knows Zombie Kid!

THIS ZOMBIE'S TALKING TO ME

It's a fucking costume, man. That's it, I'm calling the cops.

NO NO NO SHIT ZOMBIES CAN'T USE PHONES

PUNCH

AWWW FUCK MY NOSE JESUS CHRIST

PEACE OUT I'M NOT EATING YOUR UNHOLY ZOMBIE BURRITOS

I... see. And that's how it all happened?

Yes, Sexy Cop.

And the assailant?

White guy, 6'0" to 6'2", 230 pounds. Err, 200. 200 to 230. Dark hair.

I see. Well, I think I know who did this.

(speaking into Sexy Cop Radio) All officers, be on the lookout for Steroid Ben Affleck.

What? Ben Affleck is like almost 40. I said--

No no no, when he takes steroids, he reverts back to 1994 Ben Affleck. Then this happens:

Does, um... does Iowa City have a big problem with Steroid Ben Affleck?

No, he's probably just passing through the state.

Doing what?

God only knows. (looks off into the distance, deep in sexy thought)

Weird. Can I go to the hospital now? My face is pretty messed up.

How about the sexy hospital!

(totally takes her top off)

If we may, Mr. Paterno

WHAT

THANK YOU

We're pretty sure that's not how it happened. Those are just videos you saw on the Internet.

ZOMBIE BOY IS REAL, HE LIKES TURTLES

And why are you even talking about that?

Joepashrug_medium

Don't you have anything to say about your football team instead?

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Comments

Steroid Ben Affleck

Is officially my new favorite Affleck.

“Jeanie NOOOOO!!!” [Wall punch!]

[Consumes more steroids.]

I will haunt your dreams and eat your children.

by Dr. Hawk on Oct 27, 2009 3:36 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

No Bob Griese?

by Bucketochicken on Oct 27, 2009 3:37 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Especially...

since you already had Juan Pablo Montoya behind the counter. That was him, wasn’t it?

by Abbas_Cincinnatus on Oct 27, 2009 3:50 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Oh god

How did I not think of making JP Montoya the “Mexican” behind the counter? I may have to go in and change that. You people are wicked.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Oops Pow Surprise on Oct 27, 2009 3:51 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Make sure they're serving mescal behind that counter.

Go watch and listen to the last two Bob Griese pre-games, and how uncomfortable Spielman is, watching him slur his way through his game preview. I’m convinced Griese has an early morning appetite for the sauce.

This is the internet. We do scurrilous speculation.

But you heard it here first.

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Oct 27, 2009 8:08 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Horatio Sans?

With a moustache

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 28, 2009 3:15 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

From FanHouse

Good article about Griese’s comment.

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 28, 2009 3:07 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I'm trying to decide what my favorite part of this is

Racist Panchero’s employee? Zombie Boy? “deep in sexy thought”? The picture of Paterno at the end? Or perhaps, Ben Affleck gunning for an Emmy as he consumes roughly 30000 times the recommended dose of some steroid, and begins to beat the shit of his girlfriend, the walls, and eventually, yes, the floor, all while imagining he’s hitting a blocking sled, before finally letting out the most heartfelt plee for help that television has seen since Jessie’s famed caffine pill addiction of Saved By the Bell. Really, it’s just an all around masterpiece, and you and Mr. Affleck are to be commended for it. Bravo, sirs. Bravo.

by NorseHawk on Oct 27, 2009 3:44 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

If there's one thing JoePa knows

it’s definitely zombies. COME TO PENN STHHHAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!

I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

by HoyaGoon on Oct 27, 2009 3:48 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

And that...

…ends my work day. I think I may call in sick tomorrow and go looking for sexy cop. Where does one go to remain deep in sexy thought?

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 27, 2009 3:51 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

The Lumberyard

Or Woody’s

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Steroid Ben Affleck

Lives in a very flimsy house

by Dweeze on Oct 27, 2009 3:54 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

He only makes it look that way because he's taken enough steorids to kill 12 elephants.

They instantly make you super strong and crazy, I bet you didn’t realize that.

by NorseHawk on Oct 27, 2009 3:58 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

It's made out of his talent.

by Bucketochicken on Oct 27, 2009 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

It lacks little substance?

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Might want to check the wording on that one, Safire.

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Oops Pow Surprise on Oct 27, 2009 4:07 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Touche

It should have said “which lacks substance”

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 27, 2009 4:16 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I have the flu right now

And let’s just say that these posts are exponentilaly awesome if you feel dazed.

DO YOU HAVE PRIDE, DANNY?

by ReadingRambler on Oct 27, 2009 4:54 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Steroids? There are no steroids

Unless they are smuggling it in the chorizo that is in those burritos.
Ummm turtle and steroid burrito, I guess that does explain a lot about those things at bar time.

Everybody wants a little milk of Michael

by Dr Feelgood on Oct 27, 2009 5:18 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs