Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Michigan State
by StoopsMyAss on Oct 22, 2009 12:16 PM CDT
63 comments
[Bumped. There goes the season. :-( --OPS]
10. Highly Qualified. "We're certainly not the prettiest car on the lot, but that's OK," said Iowa Coach Kirk Ferentz following Saturday's win at Wisconsin. Well, after Iowa's first half breakdown in Madison they easily fulfill the "Cash for Clunkers" program eligibility requirements. Ferentz may think his jalopy is OK but he'll think differently after going head-to-head with this Michigan State team, which the last three weeks has been pimped out to be a fuel-efficient sports car by comparison. Which reminds me...In any event, expect the Spartans to expose the Hawkeye's as the lemon on the Big Ten lot and send Iowa home on a flat bed after Saturday night's game.
9. Mt. Sparty. Thus far in the season Iowa has outscored their opponents by a paper-thin margin of 9 total first half points, 73-64. Game after game they find themselves looking at a deficit and having to climb their way out of bad starts. In three games the Hawkeyes have actually gone to the locker room behind and they have trailed at some point in every game but one. If Stanzi and Co. do not pick the proper path and get off to a better start they'll have finally met their Annapurna. If the Hawkeyes find themselves down yet again this Saturday night expect the Sherpas to abandon the climb and call-in the rescue chopper.
8. My Cousin Kirk. Among the Iowa fanbase it's well known that this Hawkeye defense has flustered, beat-up, and eventually forced a mid-game benching of three QBs thus far and they almost bagged a fourth last Saturday. Well now comes Kirk Cousins, the number one rated passer in the Big Ten. Cousins is a marksman with a rifle arm, and a variety of weapons. He has kept the local taxidermist very busy of late. You can bet Iowa's over-hyped pass defense will be just another deer in Cousin's crosshairs. I wonder which wall Shaun Prater will end up on?
7. Remember the Spartans. Now Iowans know what the Athenians felt like. MSU has dominated Iowa in East Lansing since 1995. Coach Mark Dantonio is looking like Michigan State's modern day Gylippus, the famous Spartan general who in the second Peloponnesian War against a seemingly superior Athenian force successfully led a Spartan resistance in defense of Sicily. Hmmm...Dantonio, Sicily ....you getting my drift here?
6. A Symbol of Strength. Oversized head, cartoonishly huge muscles, a massively chiseled jaw line, and that signature protruding chin. No, I'm not talking about this guy, I'm talking about this guy...the guy who is leading the Big Ten in tackles this year. Spartan middle linebacker Greg Jones is ranked second nationally in tackles and has a particular hard-on for big games. He is at his most dangerous when he blitzes, and he can come from anywhere. It was Iowa's preoccupation with Jones last year that allowed this. But this year Jones has vowed to do all his own dirty work this Saturday.
5. Things To Do In East Lansing When You're Dead. Sure, Iowa is 2-0 in night games this year. So you're thinking by now Iowa has mastered the late start? Of course, there are late starts and then there are late starts in East Lansing. We're talking about a city whose hottest attraction is a campus milk store and once you've ordered your double scoop of the Sesquicentennial Swirl your left to twiddle your thumbs for an entire afternoon (or you could break it up by paying a visit to The Bug House). Past visiting teams in town for a night game may not have died of boredom waiting for game time, but they certainly entered the stadium on collective life support. Don't be shocked to see the Swarm devolved to a Bataan Death March-like crawl into the stadium on Saturday.
4. We're MacScrewed. You may not know this, but it has always been assumed that Angus MacGyver went to Western Tech where he graduated in 1973 with a Bachelor's degree in physics and chemistry. Well, Western Tech was a clever alias for Michigan State University, used by the Phoenix Foundation in an effort to cover MacGyver's true history and ultimate identity. You can bet that the actual university that produced the greatest, most resourceful secret agent in television history will have more than a few tricks up their sleeve. Expect a whole lot of this from the Spartans on Saturday night.
3. Don't Believe the HypeI Bobby Petrino, Charlie Weis, and Kirk Ferentz. Three men who you might be surprised to learn have something in common...they're all overrated. How so? To start with, each is paid a king's ransom by his respective school, but for what? None have won or even sniffed a National Championship (while the rest of the Top Ten highest paid college coaches all have at least one national title to their name). Ferentz though might be the exceptionally hyped standout in this group. Besides being overpaid, he somehow perpetually finds himself on the shortlist of every open NFL job. How does a coach with a lifetime winning percentage of 59% find himself is in such rarified air? Well, a real coaches coach is about to give Ferentz a wake-up call.
2. Field of Bad Dreams. When asked about Iowa's unimposing record at Spartan Stadium, Iowa defensive end Adrian Clayborn told the Des Moines Register, "A field is a field to me." Ah, youth...too naïve to be scared. If only young Mr. Clayborn knew that in Iowa's four road trips to East Lansing in the past 14 seasons the results have been...every man's worst nightmare. Only "The Shoe" holds a longer history of Hawkeye flaccidity, with the Hawkeyes unable to get it up in five straight visits to Columbus since 1991.
1. Bryan Bulaga. Need I say more?
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Aw jeez we're fucked
"Sweet lady fate, why dost thou piss on me so?"
by bluearmadillo on Oct 22, 2009 7:04 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh shit, MacGyver??
We’re so fucked! :(
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 22, 2009 8:09 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Don't forget Murdock
MacGyver’s nemesis! We’re fucked!
by Duez I say on Oct 22, 2009 8:27 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
By the way, Clayborn would be an awesome Mr.T
by ChryslerKinnick on Oct 22, 2009 8:53 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
I pity da foo who try ta stop me!
B. A. Baracus is tha man.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 22, 2009 1:36 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
I hope you're not this fucked
"For me the game wasn’t grounded in reality. It was about the uniform you put on that turned you into a warrior. It was about the mythology of the battle, the victory, the defeat, the struggle." - Mike Reid, PSU '69
by jtothep on Oct 22, 2009 3:43 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Wow..
I think someone should offer you the job of “official photoshop guru”. Damn fine work, damn fine.
Hawks....yup, I like 'em
by Rozhawkfan on Oct 22, 2009 3:11 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Absolutley Awesome!
+1000
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 22, 2009 4:03 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Photoshop?
Wow, I couldn’t tell. Nice work.
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 22, 2009 11:07 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
You bet he would!
I made this before the Penn St game:
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 22, 2009 4:23 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
And it's just as awesome now as it was then.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 22, 2009 4:53 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Fucking amazing.
Laughed out loud on this one
Hawks....yup, I like 'em
by Rozhawkfan on Oct 22, 2009 7:21 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Thanks guys.
The #94 ring and KF jacket bring it all together.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 22, 2009 7:45 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
So...
this means I’d be a fool to subscribe to Direct TV to get the game on BTN out here in LA? Thanks for the heads up, I’ll go see “Julia and Juliet” instead.
by Zulu on Oct 22, 2009 8:56 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I wish we weren't so fucked!!
But we are..we are fucked. 8(
I do have more rhymes than Jamaica got mangos.
by LuebkeSwims! on Oct 22, 2009 9:04 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I guess I should stay home and iron my socks. Thanks for the heads up.
Mr. Boh Knows ...
by Bellanca on Oct 22, 2009 9:09 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
My Cousin Vinny!
That remains my all-time favorite lawyer movie.
And I had no idea of MacGyver’s dastardly true origins… chilling.
by RossWB on Oct 22, 2009 9:47 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
If MacGyver can build a bomb out of paperclips and a t.p. tube
Imagine what a whole team of them could do with pads.
We’re Macfucked
by MP hawkfan on Oct 22, 2009 9:53 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Halle Berry in Monsters Ball fucked
Iowa Basketball: We don't rebuild, we implode.
by three and out the kok story on Oct 22, 2009 9:53 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Sweet bleeding Christ...
Billy Bob Thornton ass… we’re so fucked.
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 22, 2009 10:31 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
JC wouldn't do that
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Oct 22, 2009 10:38 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Shoulda' just gone to dental school FUCKED
by Bucketochicken on Oct 22, 2009 8:25 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Blasphenomenal
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Oct 22, 2009 10:37 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Nice
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 23, 2009 11:46 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's going to rain
We’re sooooo fucked and wet
by Duez I say on Oct 22, 2009 10:09 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Holy fucking shit, where's the lube?
How could we be so fucked?
by Imustbreakyou on Oct 22, 2009 10:54 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Bear cavalry
"It's like a bad rave, only in place of the hypnotic effects of your grandfather's oxycontin, there's an actual octogenerian screaming gibberish over a thumping beat."
by ReadingRambler on Oct 22, 2009 11:04 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
We're Catherine the Great, with a horse, fucked!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on Oct 22, 2009 11:14 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
We're Cooze in "The Naked Mile" fucked.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 22, 2009 11:29 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
MSU baby has us by the jumblies
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Oct 22, 2009 11:58 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
WHO TURNED PATTON OSWALT INTO A BABY?!!!
Evil Sparty bastards.
by The Mexican't on Oct 22, 2009 12:29 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
That IS actually Patton Oswalt
He’s so little…
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Oct 22, 2009 2:05 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
How about the fact that wherever you look, it seems another Hawkeye is
on the NCF page of ESPN…. This time it is AC.
WOW are we fucked!!!
Hawks....yup, I like 'em
by Rozhawkfan on Oct 22, 2009 12:30 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I will not refrain, lest I shtupp the I-mojo
The Hawks started out as -1 and have devolved into a pick ’em.
Bet now, and let the bitches do the worrying.
by Purple Flag on Saturday on Oct 22, 2009 1:02 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
As the two small boys getting into the black van said:
We’re fucked.
I have occupational turrettes... My job makes me swear uncontrolably at everyone.
by Ioweegin on Oct 22, 2009 1:10 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Spear Fucked
In a Spartan Fucking Bathhouse
by Wegher Please! on Oct 22, 2009 2:02 PM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
Japanese Army, Chinese "Comfort Girl" fucked.
and afterwards they’ll drop some Unit 731 shit on us.
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 22, 2009 4:30 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Skinny kid in the general population.........
prison-fucked.
by Bluzmn on Oct 22, 2009 4:58 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Marsellus Wallace fucked
Does Marsellus Wallace look like a bitch? Then why you trying to fuck him like one!
i don't wife em...i one night em
by smokinthereiff on Oct 22, 2009 5:51 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Two Blonds enjoying some funky music
and John Holmes just rang the doorbell delivering pizza fucked.
by Big Jimmy on Oct 22, 2009 5:56 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I delivered pizza for a couple years in college.
And that never happened to me. Not once.
But yeah, we’re fucked.
by DonnyDonovan on Oct 22, 2009 7:02 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Fucked
We are mushroom cloud fucked.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Oct 22, 2009 7:18 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Sparty Fucked
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Oct 22, 2009 7:36 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
She is going to be disappointed
when she sees what years of roid abuse has done to Sparty.
by RossWB on Oct 22, 2009 8:01 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Girl: Knock Knock
Sparty: Who’s there?
Girl: Fucked
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Oct 23, 2009 10:12 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
And I thought computers loved us
over at the WWL, accuscore has us the underdog. And not just a slight dog, 60% – 39% (clealy rounding is not the strength of these computers).
They’ve seen the future, why even bother to play.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 22, 2009 7:37 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I woke up this morning
and thought to myself, hey we’re looking pretty good and we’re the IOWA HAWKEYES, we’re undefeated!!! Then reality set in and I realized that we we’re fucked.
by Nomo Stanziballs on Oct 23, 2009 7:44 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
This game
honestly scares the fuck out of me. Does that mean we’re fucked?
by Duez I say on Oct 23, 2009 7:50 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
No,
it means you’re fucked. We have our own problems.
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
by StoopsMyAss on Oct 23, 2009 8:26 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Some had to go there
…give me the courage and the ability to so conduct myself in every situation that my country, my family, and my friends will be proud of me.
-Nile Kinnick
by Hawkeyewith49Jackrabbits on Oct 23, 2009 6:51 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh, man
Lee picked Sparty. We are so fucked.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 24, 2009 9:43 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I guess i called it, eh?
I thought I would finally break through. But, how about that MacGyver play they pulled?
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
by StoopsMyAss on Oct 24, 2009 9:56 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Since we won
I can say that it was a brilliant play call. All credit to Sparty, their coaches called a great game.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on Oct 25, 2009 1:20 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
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