Day in the life of an Iowa Hawkeye linebacker

By Pat Angerer

So many Hawkeye fans wonder what a day in the life of somebody who is fortunate enough to play linebacker for the Iowa Hawkeyes football team is like. Well, say no more:

6:45 a.m. - My roommate wakes me up apparently not realizing that once I wipe the sleep out of my eyes, I am going to stick his head in the toilet until he cries.

7:05 a.m. - I sit down to eat breakfast, a leftover wedgie and some Coco Puffs. If only I had some milk.

8:31 a.m. - I walk into my "Public Speaking" class and tell the professor that I don't feel like talking today.

10:45 a.m. - I go to Starbucks and order a grande Pumpkin Spice Latte with skim milk and two splenda.

11:33 a.m. - I tell my advisor that I want to change my major to Sanskrit. He tells me that's weird, you're the 7th football player this week that has changed his major to Sanskrit. We agree to meet later on at the Airliner to celebrate.

11:47 a.m. - I meet my adviser at the Airliner.

12:53 p.m. - My girlfriend calls my cell phone to tell me she has a crush on Marilyn Manson. I tell her I want to break up with her.

1:17 p.m. - Some guy asks me for an autograph. I punch his fucking lights out.

1:18 p.m. - I call 911 to report some guy passed out and bleeding from the nose.

1:45 p.m. - I attend my "The Poetry of Robert Frost" class and realize this is such a perfect time of day to take a dump.

1:46 p.m. - I ask the professor to be excused. He asks why. I tell him, I'm going to build a dookie castle. He nods approval.

1:47 p.m. - I have a brief moment of stage fright when a jamior walks into the bathroom to mop. It's only a very brief moment.

2:35 p.m. - I return to class.

3:07 p.m. - I wander over to the football practice facility and notice a hot blond chick along the way, and whistle. She calls me a Neanderthal. I decide I love her. She starts running for her life.

3:30 p.m. - I start to get dressed for practice and notice that Adrian Clayborn has huge balls. He notices me noticing.

3:42 p.m. - I overhear Ken O'Keefe tell Ricky Stanzi that it would be really nice if he threw all of his passes from now on to Iowa Hawkeye players only.

4:14 p.m. - Daniel Murray is surprisingly asked by Ferentz to lead the team in stretching exercises. Murray announces that the first stretch will be a yoga pose. Ferentz exhales loudly and then tells Bulaga to lead the team in stretching.

4:15 p.m. - Bulaga asks the guys to touch their toes.

4:16 p.m. - Stretching is over.

4:25 p.m. - For some reason Coach Parker takes his shoes off during a tackle drill and calls me to come over by saying, "look at this Angry!" I notice he has serious toe jam and only 9 toes.

5:29 p.m. - I tell Derrell Johnson-Koulianos to get with the program. He tells me there's a suit sell at Ewers and asks me if I want to come after practice. I call him a faggot.

6:31 p.m. - I get into a Who Flung Doo contest with Riley Reiff in the shower room after practice. I win.

7:32 p.m. - I go to the Bluebird Diner and order a bacon cheeseburger and a milk shake. Then I ask the waiter what the specials are.

7:38 p.m. - A.J. Edds texts me to say Paul Chaney is done for the season because he has a knee injury. I text him back to say, "Then Chaney's a pussy."

7:50 p.m. - I run into DJK at Ewers. I end up buying silk boxers and a cool tie with little horseshoes all over it.

8:01 p.m. - I go review tape of the Wisconsin vs. Ohio State game with Tyler Sash and Broderick Binns. At the exact same moment we all say that Terrell Pryor throws like a cheerleader, then we giggle. But only for a second or two.

8:11 p.m. - Brett Greenwood comes into the film room with a wry smile and takes out the tape of the Wisconsin vs. Ohio State game. He replaces it with "Creamer vs. Creamer."

8:16 p.m. -- Trey Stross walks into the film room and abruptly turns around and walks out, then walks back in again.

9:48 p.m. - I go the library, to catch some Zs.

10:20 p.m. - Brandon Wegher wakes me up in the open stacks and asks if I've seen his website yet.

10:58 p.m. - I walk back to my dorm and call Paul Revere's to order a large pizza and a box of spaghetti. The guy at Paul Revere's says they don't carry boxes of spaghetti. So I order another large pizza.

12:00 p.m. - I pop in my Season 2 CD of "Jackass."

12:32 a.m. - Jeremiah Hunter drops by and offers to bless my meal if I give him a slice. I offer him two slices if he will go away.

12:38 a.m. - I write in my diary, "Dear Diary, today was a good day. I woke up and...."

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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