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I Am Bret Bielema's Hawkeye Tattoo

Bielema_tattoo_medium[Outstanding.--OPS]

I'm sure you hearda me, I get more shit from Iowa fans about me than a Kinnick Stadium crapper. Look, do you think I WANTED to be put on this dude's leg? I know he played football for the Hawks, but that ended over fifteen years ago. NOW look what I'm stuck with! Have you seen what Bret looks like these days? Like a gopher. Like a 275 pound chipmunk-cheeked bright red big-ass gopher.

Life didn't start out so bad. In the early nineties, when I was born--man, it fuckin' rocked. It was all metal bands and big-haired chicks--some nights back at the apartment I was just SWIMMIN' in big hair, GNR and the Crue blastin' on the stereo. Got tired looking at the ceiling some nights, bouncin' up and down like a yo-yo, but after a Hawk win--I don't have to tell YOU that gravity pulled the Hawkeye Vodka in my direction! Loved the Hokey Pokey, too; I was center stage then, bein' "shaken all about"! Oh, I had chicks kissing me, putting their tits in my face, licking me all up and down. Those were some times, man. I was the TATTOO. Bret Bielema's HAWK TATTOO. I was king.

Look at me now. Connective tissue only lasts so long, dude. I'm stretched like a 45 year old vagina after a litter of nine pounders. And Bret ain't exactly a workout addict; fuck, have his calves gotten fat. I never seen a guy with such fat fucking calves; sometimes I think they're about to bust wide open like that guy's belly in Alien. If they did, I bet that Stretch Armstrong red goop would ooze out, he's so mushy inside.

To be honest, I don't know how long I got for this world. I've been covered with about everything: socks, band-aids, adhesive tape, ticket stubs, liquor store receipts, pregnancy test labels, leaves, poop, condom wrappers, a bird's-nest; you name it, I had it on top of me at one time. Summer's the worst--goddamn shorts weather. I know I'm gonna take it right on the nose, then. Could be duct tape, could be a smooshed eclair from the trash. Who knows?

Just last week I ran across a receipt for a belt sander; scared the livin' pigment right outta me. Once--I think Bret was looking at Shon Green game film at the time--he looked down at me and just started screaming: "Shit! Shit! Shit!" Fucker took a Sharpie to my faded black and gold ass. He drew BLOOD, man! Real BLOOD. The guy's a maniac. He hates me like that disease that's worse than cancer.

It's gotten so bad around here, sometimes I wish he'd just see a dermatologist and end it, I really do. How much can a little tattoo take? So the next time you're ragging about Bret and his Hawk tattoo, think of me, and say a little prayer. Some people make their own destinies, but I'm just along for the ride. And my ride is definitely the wrong kind of phat.

3 recs  |  Comment 16 comments |

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Slow clap...

….that…
…was…
…excellent.

by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 16, 2009 4:32 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

+1000000

Bravo!!

"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me

by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 16, 2009 4:38 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

+1

DO YOU HAVE PRIDE, DANNY?

by ReadingRambler on Oct 16, 2009 4:42 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Wow

You, sir, are a credit to Luther College.

by NorseHawk on Oct 16, 2009 5:02 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Thanks! But just in case...

…don’t tell them about me anyway. Always afraid they’ll uncover that tiny little hole in my transcript that would force me to do-over Paidea.

Do they still have Paidea? I have nightmares about Paidea like John McCain has about the Hanoi Hilton.

If it's not too much trouble, search your soul--and then ask yourself if maybe I might have a point.

by The Director on Oct 16, 2009 9:21 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Yeah they do

I think I might be the only person in the history of the school that like Paidea. I read exactly one book all year (the one they assigned over the summer), bullshitted my way through the essays, someone kicked the shit out the quizzes, and got two As. One of the easiest classes I took there.

by NorseHawk on Oct 17, 2009 9:01 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

You Magnificent Bastard...

I salute you!

Yee-Haw! I ride again!

by Cornshoe Hammaker on Oct 16, 2009 6:46 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

I can't believe I live in this place.

Wow. I come here voluntarily.

Now I have hope: maybe we do win this game by one or two. Because we’re more twisted (twisteder?) and way more fun.

Twisteder, yes, that’s it.

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Oct 16, 2009 7:50 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

However,

I much prefer the text. That picture of his hairy calf is overmuch.

Mr. Boh Knows ...

by Bellanca on Oct 16, 2009 7:51 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

I spent a lot of time this week thinking about this legendary tattoo...

Too much in fact. I’m fairly new to the site and have tried my luck at altering a few pics. I wanted to do something with Bret and his fabled perfect tattoo. What to do? A close up of Bret, covered in all types of Hawkeye tattoos? A picture of a sheepish Herky with a BB tattoo? Joe Paterno sitting next to BB showing off his super secret Pitt tattoo? Too many possibilities can stretch your mind like the time-space continuum at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. My God, it’s full of stars!

Mostly I just hope we pull the W.

by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 16, 2009 10:08 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

BRAVO!

Keep up the good work man, that was…pure…fucking….GOLD!

by MP hawkfan on Oct 16, 2009 10:56 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Condolences, Bret Bielema's tattoo.

But on the bright side, at least you’re not my Uncle Norville’s tattoo:

No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer

by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Oct 17, 2009 9:48 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

In my younger days, I had some exposure to Anamosa prisoners....

….and their unbelievable tattoos.

A lot of them, the lifers who never would get out, had mainly amateur ones, many hilarious, but my all-time fave was this one on a guy’s chest:

FUK THE GARDS.

I suspect, NorseHawk, that he only got a “B+” in Paidea.

If it's not too much trouble, search your soul--and then ask yourself if maybe I might have a point.

by The Director on Oct 17, 2009 10:02 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

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