Mock & Cheer

On the other hand you created the Big Televen so that’s annoying.

Yeah? Well you fools were stupid enough to invite us in here so it’s your fault. If not for you crazy mid-westerners, we’d currently be enjoying marquee matchups with UConn and Maryland.

Outside of Ohio State, I hate Michigan the most because they were too scared to play us, so they voted against our joining the conference. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Totally.

1) Penn State
2) Iowa
3) Purdue
4) Don’t care
5) Don’t care
6) Don’t care
7) Mike Valenti
8) Bret Bielema. The jackass.
9) Don’t care
10) Michigan
11) Ohio State

1) Iowa
2) – 9) none
10) Wisconsin (Madison is one helluva town. I have mad love for the people who live there. They just root for the wrong team.)
11) Minny, Penn State, Michigan, jNWU, Indiana, Purdue, Mich. St., Illinois, Ohio State

I had a Penn State sweatshirt that I loved as a kid. Then they joined the Big Ten. Never wore it again.

1) Iowa
2-10) Cheer for whatever helps Iowa most. Maybe lean towards Wisconsin a bit because Madison is great.
11) Illinois (except 2002 football against OSU)

I like Penn State and Wisky, and I can’t argue your point about the Maroons.
Beyond that is a tangled web of rationalizations leading basically to “don’t embarrass the conference, (insert team here).”

But to make it clear, Minnesota can kiss my ass. The enemy of my enemy is still a dick, so fuck you Michigan, and aOSU has the lovely combination of smugness and whiny that makes it so easy for me, and the rest of the country, to hate.

1. Iowa – WOO YEAH GO HAWKS
2. Wisconsin – Basically Iowa but with a resurgence in the 90’s instead of 80’s. Great fans, great city. Trading barbs with Wisconsin fans is more like kidding around with your brother than breathing fire at an enemy.
3. Penn State – Classiest program in the conference, from JoePa down to the fans.
4. Minnesota – part of me would like to see the rodents return to the prominence they enjoyed in, like, the 1940’s. But that part of me is dwarfed by the part of me who likes to laugh at their historic failures ever since.
5. Indiana – who cares? I prefer that they stay a doormat, but I find myself rooting for them against more than half the conference simply because I hate other teams more.
6. jNW – see Indiana. +occasional miraculous success-pulled-out-the-butt that pisses me off
7. Michigan – I don’t mind Michigan that much, it’s all the bandwagon fans that piss me off. People with no ties to the school, state, or even the midwest that follow Michigan as if they had some stake in it. They’re the fucking Yankees of college football.
8. Michigan State – Douchebag fans, players are thugs in pads. Only the enjoyment of watching their seasons go down in flames keeps them from moving up.
9. Purdue – I visited West Lafayette once in my life. But during that visit, I couldn’t get laid to save my life, the town stank to high hell (literally… smells worse than the worst spots in Cedar Rapids), and one Purdue fan even spit on me. The campus was crappy, and their OL never got called for egregious holding. I’m never going back.
10. Illinois – fairweather asshole fans, Zook stealing our recruits only to lead them to ruin, Shampoo-Banana is a shithole.
11. Ohio State – everything bad that can be said about a successful program can be said about Ohio State. Notre Dame is the only college football team I despise more. Woody Hayes was a dick and deserves no respect.

1) I-O-W-A
2) Penn State – Keep your friends close and your bitches closer
3) Wisconsin – Please don’t run the spread
4) Purdue – Please don’t get turf
5) Illinois – Please don’t get rid of the Zooker
6) Michigan – Nothing to worry about while HotRichRod is there
7) OSU – I’m really tired of the sweater vest
8) Indiana – Outside of football watching, it’s a damn fun town
9) Minnesota – They’re like your retarded little brother that you have to watch since they’re always around
10) Northwestern – Pitiful, just pitiful fans.

1) MSU
2) Illinois. Went to grad school there.
3) Penn State. Can’t hate JoePa.
4) Northwestern. Always fun to watch, if for no other reason than the random points explosions and 51-48 games. (Unless they do it against your team. Dammit.)
5) Minnesota. Mostly out of habit.
6) Iowa. I’m a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish them any specific harm.
7) Purdue. Who really cares?
8) Indiana. Cheering for them would be depressing; cheering against them would just be cruel.
9) Wisconsin. I grew up in Minnesota, and hatred of all things Badger is a tough habit to break.
10) OSU. Only redeeming quality is that they’re not …
11) Michigan. I’ll root for them when it helps MSU or in bowl games just so I don’t have to hear those pompous windbags down south chanting “S-E-C!”, but I feel dirty about it every time.

1. IOWA

2. Michigan – almost went there, best friend went there. Can be annoyingly pompous, but have kind of earned it with the program’s history and I love the tradition.

3. Penn State – will always cheer for them as long as not playing Iowa (remain neutral during PSU-Mich)

4. Wisky – basically the same program as Iowa.

5. Indiana – because I have to put them somewhere

6. Purdue – again, they have to go somewhere, last of the teams I will root for (unless versus an SEC team)

7. MSU – someone else put it best: thugs in pads.

8. Illinois – though I do want the Zooker to be there forever.

9. jNorthwestern – would be higher, but their fans, at leas those on the interwebs really, really annoy me. History did exist before 1995, though no one in Evanston will ever admit to this.

10. tOSU – as if insisting that they must be THE Ohio State University weren’t bad enough, they are basically all the worst parts of Michigan without any of the redeeming qualities

11. Minnesota – the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang.