Obviously the football world revolves around Iowa City on this corner of the interwebz. I’m no different, but that being said, there are 4 or 5 other Big Televen games each week that I have to decide who to mock and who to cheer. So for your reading pleasure I give you my take on how I decide who I root for.
1. Iowa – C’mon, when you’re born and raised in Iowa, you learn early that it truly is the Hawkeye state. Really who needs pro sports when you have the Hawkeyes?! The Clowns can have Ames, we’ll take the rest.
2. Michigan – If there’s one thing most fans in the Big Ten can agree on, it’s their hatred for tOSU and no one hates Ohio State more than Michigan fans. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Plus there was this hot Michigan chick I met on Spring Break in Daytona. The hotel pool, the beach, her college graduation night a year later…wait what was I talking about again? Oh ya, Fuck tOSU.
3. Wisconsin – I’ve gotta give some respect to my adopted home. I’ve lived in Wisconsin since my high school years and it aint so bad. They taught me to drink for christ’s sake. Madison fucking rocks on game day and who doesn’t love a good Halloween riot (the tear gas sucks though). Plus the girls are really nice. I’ve had many nights that random girls have given me a bed to sleep in out of the kindness of their hearts. Those damn dorm lofts are a real bitch to sneak out of in the morning though. On the other hand, Bucky fans can be brutal to opposing fans. I’m fully expecting to take some abuse in Madtown this weekend, but I’ll rock my Drew Tate jersey with pride.
4. Chicago – What, you don’t have any love for the Maroons?! It’s better than being a jNWU fan. They still have more Big Ten football championships than Sparty, Indiana, and Penn Schtaaate. They just got passed by Northwestern and Purdue a few years ago. Plus they have the first ever Heisman Winner who just happened to be from Iowa. The guy was the #1 pick in the first ever NFL draft, but when he found out he’d have to deal with the fans in Philly, he told them to fuck off (or something like that).
5. Penn State – Ok, you guys got a boost for their performance as of late. Rambler and the BSD guys single handedly lifted my impression of PSU a spot or two. Plus, everyone needs that cupcake on their schedule where you can just pencil in a win before the season starts. On the other hand you created the Big Televen so that’s annoying.
6. Minnesota – I’m kinda conflicted on this one. Well you finally got rid of the shithole that is the Metrodome so that’s a big plus. The new stadium is pretty sweet but the douche that stole a tater tot off my plate at the bar across the road during the Cal game a few weeks ago is not cool. Fuck that guy. My first game of strip beer pong was with 3 girls from Minnesota at a Madison Halloween afterbar so that is another plus. They sucked at beer pong but they liked getting naked (always a plus). Speaking of which, I shoulda called her when I was in the cities… It annoys the piss outta me that they all call their school the U though. Your school is not the U. The U is Miami. It has always been Miami. It will always be Miami. It will never be Minnesota. You just sound stupid when you say it. Oh your sweat stained yellow uniforms suck and your coach is a twitterific dork!!!
7. Purdue – Well I’m an engineer and you’re mascot is a train or something so that’s kinda related I guess. Points for that. Drew Brees is a fantasy monster and I have Reggie Bush and Jeremy Shockey on my team so you did well there too. I am indifferent to you otherwise. I haven’t slept with a single girl from Purdue, so no insight there either. Moving on…
8. Michigan State – Another school that I haven’t slept with any girls at. I really have no animosity towards you other than to say, fucking learn how to finish a season. You are just embarrassing yourselves. At least this year you started tanking early instead of cock teasing your fans that you might be relevant.
9. Northwestern – I don’t hate jNWU…it’s just that…your fans suck. I mean really suck. Where the fuck is the passion. Sure it’s just a game, but you don’t have to act like you’re above it. Obviously there are exceptions, but it shouldn’t be like this. I’m not sure how you can have a superiority complex and an inferiority complex all at once, but you guys have managed…
10. Indiana – I don’t blame the fans for this one. What kind of university BLATANTLY gives the finger to their fans for the quick payday? Sure, the team sucks, but that’s just not being fair to your (few) fans and the athletes themselves. Fuck you Fred Glass.
11. Illinois – I don’t know why, I just don’t really like you. . I’m not even going to try to justify it. I do hope the Zooker stays coaching for years to come though. That kind of coaching incompetence is hard to find. Hold on to it and treasure it for as long as you can.
12. Ohio State – Fuck tOSU. It’s your fault that I had to cheer for Miami and Florida in 2002 and 2008. I still feel dirty for that. I hate Les Miles and his stupidity that everyone else call testicular fortitude, but I hate you more. I cheered for LSU in 2007. I’m going to get beat up at some point in time for the looks I give anyone I see wearing a sweatervest. I’ll blame you for that too. I could keep going for about another 10,000 words, but instead I’m going to bottle it all up inside and let it out come Ohio State Hate week in November. Be ready bitches.
All of that being said, this list is fluid. If you screw up my season, you can get fucked (I’m looking at you Bucky). You move directly to the spot right above tOSU. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
So how do you guys break it down? Where’s your Big Televen love and hate when the Hawkeyes aren’t involved?