AN URGENT MESSAGE FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 1, 2009 3:24 PM CDT
in Football
30 comments
Sirs and mesdames:
We understand that Reckless Semi Driver Herky is a necessary and celebrated tradition during pregame festivities at Historic Kinnick Stadium. We also understand that our fans are traditionally resistant to change. That all said, please discontinue Offensive Driving Herky immediately, because it is time for Herky to DESTROY THE FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM.
We present the Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks and HOCKEYBEAR, here as the newest objects for your genuflection:
UAF Nanook Hockey Open 07-08 "Highway to the Danger Zone" (via aylmer666)
HOLY SHIT YES. WATCH IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Let's recap what just happened. The mascot did all of the following in rapid succession:
1. Appeared from a constellation (Ursa Major, to be precise, and folks, this is one major fucking Ursa)
2. Exploded in a blue nuclear shockwave that destroyed an entire planet that was probably full of nonbelievers
3. Flew around space to Kenny Loggins' classic "Highway to the Danger Zone," even though you're not supposed to be able to hear things in space
4. Acquired a cosmic hockey stick from who the fuck knows where
5. Made its own fucking wormhole for intergalactic travel
6. Growled at everybody and bared its teeth
7. Used said cosmic hockey stick to knock a satellite into another dimension for no discernable reason
8. Made our moon completely explode by flying very close to it and growling again extra hard
9. Came to Earth in order to flatten the entire city of Anchorage with its atomic bomb powers
10. Ran over 300 miles to Fairbanks in about 5 seconds instead of showing remorse over the genocide it just committed
11. Found the one building in the entire city with electricity and tore its roof off
12. Jumped into said arena and wrecked the playing surface the teams were hoping to use
13. Made Metallica's music play sheerly by force of will, and the good Metallica, none of this Whiskey in the Jaro shit
14. Went back into his own logo, which is now covered in exploding blue flames
Yeah. So we're a little underwhelmed by big rigs, smashed logos, and AC/DC all of a sudden, Iowa. HOCKEYBEAR MURDERS ALL OF TIME AND SPACE. Step your game up, contact whoever's responsible for this video, and turn Herky into the time-space continuum-rending nuclear badass we all know he can be. That or we're becoming Nanook fans for life.
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I don't understand why I am supposed to cheer for this bear?
He blew up most of the galaxy, probably fucked up someone’s DirecTV service by blowing up that satellite, causingthem to a miss an important football game, and the destroyed the moon (which can’t be a good thing for Earth. I assume at the very least the tides get all fucked up, and at most large chucks of it start falling towards earth and cause Armegeddon, which was a really bad movie). And that was just while he was still in space! Once he landed, he flattened a city and killed millions (I assume it was a rival city but still!), trampled the beautiful Alaskan wilderness, and then fucked up the home stadium and ice of the team he ostensibly cheers for.
Plus, he clearly understands the secrets of interstellar travel, but refuses to share them. How the fuck am I supposed to visit Degobah and party with Yoda if he doesn’t tell me how? No, asshole, “roar” is not an answer!
Basically what I’m saying is that this bear is a dick, and I hate him. Even if he does spontaneously generate awesome music.
by NorseHawk on Oct 1, 2009 3:35 PM CDT reply actions 4 recs
I'm sorry...
…did someone say, “blow up the moon.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Csj7vMKy4EI
"Jack Trice Stadium - Easily one of the Top 10 Stadiums in Central Iowa"
by Not Marv Cook on Oct 1, 2009 5:39 PM CDT up reply actions
Good heavens what a typo-filled post that was
I mean, most of mine are because I just write all stream of conciousnessy and then hit post without reading them only to look at it two seconds later and get pissed at myself, but that one is especially bad, presumably due to the Wilco show related pregaming that was going on at the time. That was a bad sentence. Oh well.
Anyway, yay, for recommended pretty green comments I suppose.
It still cannot compete with this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3S_k1dRbXY
In fact…it’s not even close.
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
This one has some comedic appeal
When was the last time you saw a mouth this distorted that wasn’t in a cartoon or one of the “Gag Abuse” porn sites?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sd-j0rKeKw
Aaaaand now...
The starting lineup for your WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO you can be my wingman any time I feel the need… the need for EXIT LIGHT! ENTER NIGHT!
Brunettes not fighter jets
Eh
Ursa Major (nor Minor) never will look like a fucking bear to me.
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Oct 1, 2009 4:55 PM CDT reply actions
Even Maverick
would tell that bear that he’s the one that is in fact “dangerous”
They took the bar, the whole damn bar!
by recoveringfratguy on Oct 1, 2009 6:34 PM CDT reply actions
that was fuckin' awesome
"Want a donut go to dunkin donuts, want a linebacker go to Penn State." - Chris Carter
It was so so
I would have been more impressed if HOCKEYBEAR rode around on a motorcycle.
DO YOU HAVE PRIDE, DANNY?
so so?
I bet that team rarely wins….they apparently don’t have a media person that can make a half good video…… Shit, godzilla (even the bad ones) are better quality that this POS…In fact, I’d dare bet that even Masten Thrust wouldn’t waste his time with that bear…..
I am still waiting on the 10 reasons we will get our asses kicked by ASU!!!!!!!
Hawks....yup, I like 'em
22 – 16 – 6
that was their record from ’08
and the special conference that they are in,
http://www.ccha.com/alaska/
has quite the cast of teams from the big 11
"Want a donut go to dunkin donuts, want a linebacker go to Penn State." - Chris Carter
Haven't you seen the Iowa distance learning commercial?
This blows that pile of crap away
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 2, 2009 4:30 PM CDT up reply actions
I do believe...
My computer screen just exploded in testosterone with the sheer amount of manly awesome exhuded from that vid.
I think I need new pants.
I have occupational turrettes... My job makes me swear uncontrolably at everyone.
Satellite
It’d make a lot more sense if the opponent’s team logo was slapped on the satellite for HOCKEYBEAR to one time into another dimension.
All that's missing
is Taarna riding atop the bear. That would be awesome
"Sweet lady fate, why dost thou piss on me so?"
A STAR IN THE MAKING
If ABC can make a (failed) series out of the Geico Cavemen, WHY OH WHY can’t they make a series about the AWESOME Hockeybear??
There could be Hockeybear, a shotgun slung across his back, riding his Harley into town, annihilating hockey non-believers and people who want to close liquor stores at midnight, all the while wooing has-been slutty actresses like Kari Wuhrer or Brittany Murphy.
Shit, I’d watch that until my eyes bled. Actually, after watching that, my eyes ARE bleeding.
They are bleeding UAF hockey.
If it's not too much trouble, search your soul--and then ask yourself if maybe I might have a point.
by The Director on Oct 1, 2009 9:10 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
I think Russell Crowe was in a movie A LOT like that
about 10 years ago, no? I think it bombed because having an Aussie as a hockey player didn’t go over well with the most likely audience for the film…
"I think it's safe to say our concerns are many." -- Kirk Ferentz
And to think we're all missing
The most ridiculous nickname since the Redskins. Nanooks…fan-freaking-tastic!!
by Shooter McGavin on Oct 1, 2009 10:09 PM CDT reply actions
because you named your team after this guy...
and his real name wasn’t even “nanook,” it was “allakariallak.”
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