AN URGENT MESSAGE FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT

Sirs and mesdames:

We understand that Reckless Semi Driver Herky is a necessary and celebrated tradition during pregame festivities at Historic Kinnick Stadium. We also understand that our fans are traditionally resistant to change. That all said, please discontinue Offensive Driving Herky immediately, because it is time for Herky to DESTROY THE FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM.

We present the Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks and HOCKEYBEAR, here as the newest objects for your genuflection:

 

UAF Nanook Hockey Open 07-08 "Highway to the Danger Zone" (via aylmer666)

HOLY SHIT YES. WATCH IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Let's recap what just happened. The mascot did all of the following in rapid succession:

1. Appeared from a constellation (Ursa Major, to be precise, and folks, this is one major fucking Ursa)
2.
Exploded in a blue nuclear shockwave that destroyed an entire planet that was probably full of nonbelievers
3.
Flew around space to Kenny Loggins' classic "Highway to the Danger Zone," even though you're not supposed to be able to hear things in space
4.
Acquired a cosmic hockey stick from who the fuck knows where
5.
Made its own fucking wormhole for intergalactic travel
6.
Growled at everybody and bared its teeth
7.
Used said cosmic hockey stick to knock a satellite into another dimension for no discernable reason
8.
Made our moon completely explode by flying very close to it and growling again extra hard
9.
Came to Earth in order to flatten the entire city of Anchorage with its atomic bomb powers
10.
Ran over 300 miles to Fairbanks in about 5 seconds instead of showing remorse over the genocide it just committed
11.
Found the one building in the entire city with electricity and tore its roof off
12.
Jumped into said arena and wrecked the playing surface the teams were hoping to use
13.
Made Metallica's music play sheerly by force of will, and the good Metallica, none of this Whiskey in the Jaro shit
14.
Went back into his own logo, which is now covered in exploding blue flames

Yeah. So we're a little underwhelmed by big rigs, smashed logos, and AC/DC all of a sudden, Iowa. HOCKEYBEAR MURDERS ALL OF TIME AND SPACE. Step your game up, contact whoever's responsible for this video, and turn Herky into the time-space continuum-rending nuclear badass we all know he can be. That or we're becoming Nanook fans for life.

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