Joe Paterno Tries To Regroup After Last Week's Defeat
Scene: a practice field in the early fall afternoon. The air is turning crisp, and the sun's in more of a hurry to duck out every day. A small old man wanders amid a group of about 15 young men in football pads. He looks bewildered.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERCURY'S TAINTCANKERS IS THIS ABOUT
PRACTICE IS AT 3:30 AND IT IS NOW A QUARTER-HOUR UNTIL FOUR
I SEE A POLACK'S DOZEN PLAYERS, HARDLY A FULL SQUADRON
She's not out here, coach. She never is.
Hi, I'm star running back Evan Royster, of the Penn State Nittany Lions. When I'm not on the gridiron making plays, I
Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we're all taking the loss pretty hard.
For starters, Stefan Wisniewski
Yeah, he sort of reverted to a 14-year-old state and is now watching Twilight and wanting to be a vampire. He's in his room watching all that stuff and blogging about Robert Pattison or whatever that guy's name is.
Oh, he wanted me to ask you: if you impregnate a girl while wearing vampire teeth, does the kid come out at least half-vampire
IF YOU BIRTH A CHILD UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT YOU ARE A VAMPIRE, THAT CHILD WILL SUCK MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE
I TOLD YOU NO MORE SPEAKING IN THE CHINAMAN'S TONGUE
Well, then there's Daryll Clark.
I TOLD HIM TO DRIVE INTO A MOVING TORNADO
THAT IS DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY, A RARE CHARACTERISTIC IN A PLAYER. WHY, BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS, WE HAD A SITUATION WHERE LYDELL MITCHELL WAS INVOLVED IN A NUCLEAR KARATE GANG. WE TOLD HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF, BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL CAPPALLETTI GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND SMACKED HIM AROUND THAT THE SHENANIGANS CEASED
Wait, what the hell is nuclear kar
SHUT UP YOU TROLLISH KRAUT SWEDE COMMIE
Oh yeah. Seeing as how his quarterback shit the bed for the second straight year against Iowa, then somehow killed himself in a meteorological phenomenon that doesn't even happen this late up here at your behest, and plus Pat Devlin graduated, he's picked up a drinking habit.
THAT'S MY BOY. WHAT IS HIS VICE OF CHOICE
IT HAD BETTER BE JIM BEAM AND RANCID ORANGE JUICE
I CALL THAT 'BUKOWSKI DIARRHEA'
Well, actually, last we saw, he was sitting in his office and dipping Oreos into his White Russians.
--- In JayPa's office ---
Hahahaha, wheeeeee! OM NOM NOM glug glug glug baaaaarp!
Don't you wanna slow down a bit?
(barfs a grey-brown sugarpaste)
YOU SHUT UP AND CLEAN THIS, WOMAN
(ponders the myriad implications of her statement)
--- at the field ---
I WENT INTO THE PRESS CONFERENCE AND WAS TALKING AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER. ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ASKING THEM. BUT THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I'M SITTING THERE. FINALLY AT THE END I SAID, "NOW, LOOK, LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT. I THINK IF WE PLAYED TEXAS FIVE TIMES, THEY'RE GOING TO BEAT US FOUR TIMES. NOW I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND BEAT UP MY WIFE.
Wife-beating? For real? Okay, wait, I'm lost
YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT YOU LOST THE GAME
Huh? Oh, I thought we told you. We all saw the tape of that Iowa dude blasting Narrew McCormack and they just straight up quit.
4 recs |
19 comments
|
Comments
+1
I laughed at “(ponders the myriad implications of her statement)”, snickered at your misspelling of Cappelletti, and the last line was so true.
NO, NO, NO! NOT GOD BLESS IOWA! GOD DAMN IOWA! THAT'S IN THE BIBLE!
by ReadingRambler on Oct 1, 2009 8:22 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
this post
is the definition of “bittersweet” (from a psu perspective).
f$%k you. great post.
Eat what the monkey eats, then eat the monkey. -U.S. Navy survival guidance
by psudrozz on Oct 1, 2009 8:36 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
This.
I hate that I love this. Or I love that I hate this? I’m not sure, but either way, damn you Iowa. Damn you. /Shakes fist
by Screen Name 20 on Oct 1, 2009 8:41 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Pat Devlin transfered.
He’s got a 134 rating at Delaware State. But yeah, as always…
BSD
by Kevin HD on Oct 1, 2009 9:17 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Guh. I promise you I knew that.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 1, 2009 10:01 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm crying a little bit on the inside
…well ok, and on the outside. I’ll just point anyone that asks what’s wrong with me to this page and say they are tears of laughter.
by The JuggerNitt on Oct 1, 2009 10:55 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
By the way
I tried the Oreo and White Russians thing last night.
IT IS AMAZING.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 1, 2009 11:16 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
This is a true statement.
My fiancee was furious with me the first time I tried it. Of course, she may have just be angry that I was so drunk that I was putting cookies in my alcohol.
by The Mexican't on Oct 1, 2009 12:48 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
This may be an excellent discovery
I’ve always found it mildly appropriate to dunk chocolate chip cookies in a nice scotch or whiskey because, hey, they look like good dunkin’ cookies. Such an act usually gets me labeled as “weird,” “odd,” “strange,” or “drunk.” But this… this may just be genius.
by MongoLikeCandy on Oct 1, 2009 9:37 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
JoePa
Really, you guys (laughs). We’ve got a football team that just got licked. If you think I’m going around saying, “Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy? What would you like to do? Would you like me to come over and brush your teeth for you tomorrow morning because you’re going to be going home?” No, come on, knock it off, will you?
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 1, 2009 12:02 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
These are my favorite
Is it sad I knew where the link for the White Russians was taking me even before I clicked on it?
Its a funny story actually.
by Wad on Oct 1, 2009 12:40 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Classic
Gotta love those late september tornadoes in PA.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 1, 2009 12:54 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I couldn't get past MERCURY'S TAINTCANKERS without losing my shit.
by HawkeyePapyrus on Oct 1, 2009 1:47 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
No doubt about it..........
Great stuff!
by Bluzmn on Oct 1, 2009 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
I utterly lost it on
WHAT THE HELL IS BLOBBING?
Brunettes not fighter jets
by rockyh on Oct 1, 2009 4:10 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
God damn it
I need to stop reading these at work. My co-workers think I had a stroke, and my head nearly exploded from trying to stifle my laughing.
Good job OPS.
I have occupational turrettes... My job makes me swear uncontrolably at everyone.
by Ioweegin on Oct 1, 2009 8:06 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
I am an LSU fan
I joined BGHP and breathlessly waited the 24 hours “cooling down period” for commenting to tell you that this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
by 4.0 Point Stance on Oct 6, 2009 12:48 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

by 



















