Joe Paterno Tries To Regroup After Last Week's Defeat

Scene: a practice field in the early fall afternoon. The air is turning crisp, and the sun's in more of a hurry to duck out every day. A small old man wanders amid a group of about 15 young men in football pads. He looks bewildered.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERCURY'S TAINTCANKERS IS THIS ABOUT

Iconjoepa_medium PRACTICE IS AT 3:30 AND IT IS NOW A QUARTER-HOUR UNTIL FOUR

Iconjoepa_medium I SEE A POLACK'S DOZEN PLAYERS, HARDLY A FULL SQUADRON

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARYYYYY

Iconroyster_medium She's not out here, coach. She never is.

Iconjoepa_medium WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

Iconroyster_medium Hi, I'm star running back Evan Royster, of the Penn State Nittany Lions. When I'm not on the gridiron making plays, I

Iconjoepa_medium STOP IT

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE IS EVERYBODY

Iconroyster_medium Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we're all taking the loss pretty hard.

Iconjoepa_medium HOW SO

Iconroyster_medium For starters, Stefan Wisniewski

Iconjoepa_medium AN AWFUL PERFORMANCE

Iconroyster_medium Yeah, he sort of reverted to a 14-year-old state and is now watching Twilight and wanting to be a vampire. He's in his room watching all that stuff and blogging about Robert Pattison or whatever that guy's name is.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT THE HELL IS BLOBBING

Iconroyster_medium Oh, he wanted me to ask you: if you impregnate a girl while wearing vampire teeth, does the kid come out at least half-vampire

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

Iconjoepa_medium OF COURSE THEY DO

Iconjoepa_medium IF YOU BIRTH A CHILD UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT YOU ARE A VAMPIRE, THAT CHILD WILL SUCK MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE

Iconroyster_medium Hahaha, zing!

Iconjoepa_medium I TOLD YOU NO MORE SPEAKING IN THE CHINAMAN'S TONGUE

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE

Iconroyster_medium Well, then there's Daryll Clark.

Iconjoepa_medium I TOLD HIM TO DRIVE INTO A MOVING TORNADO

Iconroyster_medium Yeah, he did that.

Iconjoepa_medium GOOD

Iconjoepa_medium THAT IS DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY, A RARE CHARACTERISTIC IN A PLAYER. WHY, BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS, WE HAD A SITUATION WHERE LYDELL MITCHELL WAS INVOLVED IN A NUCLEAR KARATE GANG. WE TOLD HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF, BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL CAPPALLETTI GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND SMACKED HIM AROUND THAT THE SHENANIGANS CEASED

Iconroyster_medium Wait, what the hell is nuclear kar

Iconjoepa_medium SHUT UP YOU TROLLISH KRAUT SWEDE COMMIE

Iconjoepa_medium I DON'T EVEN SEE JUNIOR HERE

Iconroyster_medium Oh yeah. Seeing as how his quarterback shit the bed for the second straight year against Iowa, then somehow killed himself in a meteorological phenomenon that doesn't even happen this late up here at your behest, and plus Pat Devlin graduated, he's picked up a drinking habit.

Iconjoepa_medium THAT'S MY BOY. WHAT IS HIS VICE OF CHOICE

Iconjoepa_medium IT HAD BETTER BE JIM BEAM AND RANCID ORANGE JUICE

Iconjoepa_medium I CALL THAT 'BUKOWSKI DIARRHEA'

Iconroyster_medium Well, actually, last we saw, he was sitting in his office and dipping Oreos into his White Russians.

--- In JayPa's office ---

Jaypa_medium Hahahaha, wheeeeee! OM NOM NOM glug glug glug baaaaarp!

Iconsecretary_medium Don't you wanna slow down a bit?

Jaypa_medium NOOOOO! Youdontellmewhaddado!

Jaypa_medium (barfs a grey-brown sugarpaste)

Iconsecretary_medium Ewwww!

Jaypa_medium YOU SHUT UP AND CLEAN THIS, WOMAN

Iconsecretary_medium Boy, you are not your father.

Jaypa_medium (ponders the myriad implications of her statement)

Jaypa_medium (cries uncontrollably)

Jaypa_medium WAAAAAAAAAAAH

Iconsecretary_medium Oh, hell.

--- at the field ---

Iconjoepa_medium I'M SURE HE'S FINE

Iconjoepa_medium I WENT INTO THE PRESS CONFERENCE AND WAS TALKING AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER. ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ASKING THEM. BUT THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I'M SITTING THERE. FINALLY AT THE END I SAID, "NOW, LOOK, LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT. I THINK IF WE PLAYED TEXAS FIVE TIMES, THEY'RE GOING TO BEAT US FOUR TIMES. NOW I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND BEAT UP MY WIFE.

Iconroyster_medium Wife-beating? For real? Okay, wait, I'm lost

Iconjoepa_medium YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT YOU LOST THE GAME

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE DID EVERYONE ELSE GO

Iconroyster_medium Huh? Oh, I thought we told you. We all saw the tape of that Iowa dude blasting Narrew McCormack and they just straight up quit.

Iconjoepa_medium GOD DAMN IOWA

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