The Completely Obvious Solution To Our Current Basketball Woes

by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Jan 12, 2009 11:58 AM CST in Iowa Hawkeyes Basketball

So Iowa has just dropped 2 embarassing games to Big Ten opponents and have looked absolutely dreadful in both contests, particularly on offense. Not having Cyrus Tate against Michigan and down the stretch versus Minnesota certainly didn't help our cause. However, having Tate not play simply wasn't as damaging as having JR Angle not play.

Look at the stats when Angle plays:

Iowa is undefeated.
Iowa has had their 2 highest scoring games
Iowa averages 70 points on offense (61 when he doesn't play)
Iowa has won by an average margin of 25 points.
Iowa has held opponents to an average of 45 points
Iowa has out-rebounded their opponents by more than 11 per game
Iowa has 7 more assists per game than opponents

Clearly, we need to get JR in the game more often. If you take the stats that he has accumulated in his small amount of minutes and calculated what they would be if he was getting Gatens-like playing time, this would be his line:

15 points, 10 rebounds, 4.5 assists, 5.5 steals

The numbers don't lie.

I think it's time that we ask the question: with a statline like this, why isn't Angle getting more playing time?

The answer, my friends, is image.

Basketball is a sport of image. If you want minutes, you have to look the part. You have to intimidate your opponents, and let's be honest....this isn't doing it:

Danjrousls9_medium

I was trying to come up with ways for JR to 'toughen' up his image and unfortunately, most of the good ones are already taken: tatoos, headbands, afros, shaving things in the head.

All that stuff is totally played-out.

I was nearly out of options when I decided that the only way was to ask 1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour.

Needless to say, he didn't dissappoint:

"Get an eye patch, man"

1972 David Bowie from the Ziggy Stardust tour was right. JR Angle needs an eye patch. Think of all the other badasses throughout history who have worn one:

1) One-Eyed WIlly from Goonies

2) Sagat from Street Fighter II

3) British-American rapper Slick Rick

4) Steve "Patch" Johnson from Days of our Lives

5) This guy

If we want to turn our season around, it starts here. You wouldn't dare fuck with a guy who looked this dangerous, would you?

Or should I say "dan-JR-ous"

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Comments

The Minnesota loss may have been disappointing,

but I would hardly call it embarassing. They get a week to rest and get healthy, look at film and correct mistakes. If they put in the same type of effort @Purdue on Sunday that they did yesterday, then there is real cause for concern.

by TarHeelHawk on Jan 12, 2009 12:47 PM CST reply actions

Maybe the final score didn't show it

But scoring 49 points, shooting 35% from the floor, giving up 16 offensive rebounds and having 16 turnovers is embarassing in my book.

No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer

by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Jan 12, 2009 12:56 PM CST up reply actions

That was my point

despite their horrible play in the 2nd half, they were still within 1 shot of sending it to overtime. You can say it never should have gotten to that point, but this is a young team that doesn’t know how to put a team away – see the Indiana game. I would rather see this team play like they did against Minnesota than watch them turn it over 8 times in 4 minutes like they did Sunday. Lickliters got a week to work on them, and we’ll all find out – win or lose – if they were paying attention.

by TarHeelHawk on Jan 12, 2009 1:18 PM CST up reply actions

when is the last time JR played?

wait, here it is…

Iowa State; 1 min; 1 REB;

apparently Coach Lick only ~~liked~~ wanted his match up 3 times w/ an opponent.

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 12, 2009 12:59 PM CST reply actions

http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/players/38032

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 12, 2009 12:59 PM CST up reply actions

See? When he plays, we win.

No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer

by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Jan 12, 2009 1:11 PM CST up reply actions

I saw the Goonies this weekend, too

by Duez I say on Jan 12, 2009 1:43 PM CST reply actions

on DVD or BluRay?

LMAO

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 12, 2009 2:43 PM CST up reply actions

TBS

by Duez I say on Jan 12, 2009 4:04 PM CST up reply actions

here we are

…..Here we are
Hanging on the strings of green and blues
Break the chain and we break down
Oh it’s not real if you don’t feel it
Unspoken expectations
Ideals you used to play with
They’ve finally taken shape

What’s good enough for you
Is good enough for me
It’s good enough
It’s good enough for me
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 12, 2009 10:40 PM CST up reply actions

Is that your bit?

To quote random songs and / or movies in every post? Only curious.

by imadirtyoldman on Jan 13, 2009 8:06 AM CST up reply actions

I wouldn't blame him

I’m going crazy too since college football is over. I never understood half the posts here anyway.

by Duez I say on Jan 13, 2009 8:16 AM CST up reply actions

as far as CYNDI LAUPER

goes. that’s an ok song…i though someone might get enjoy it…and yes; i’m bored untill spring ball….since our basketball team scores less than our football team

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 13, 2009 4:57 PM CST up reply actions

Completely Makes Sense

HFMR, you are a genius.

by storminspank on Jan 12, 2009 1:46 PM CST reply actions

I like the eye patch, but he could also

go by his full given name. Afterall, “Junkyard Rapist Angle” sounds waaaayyyy scarier than the abbreviated “JR” that he’s been using.

Go Hawks!

by CUNKNNK on Jan 12, 2009 2:01 PM CST reply actions 2 recs

Sweet jesus

How can we call him anything but “Junkyard Rapist” from now on?

I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks

by Adam Jacobi on Jan 12, 2009 2:34 PM CST up reply actions

Francis Fratelli : Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk : Everything. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

this place smells like feet. i’ll bring a can of lysol next week.

by pfac51 on Jan 12, 2009 2:46 PM CST up reply actions