"Pat Fordy" is a senior writer for BHGP. After his most recent Iowa appraisal, he can also eat a bowl of fat dicks.

Forty names, games, and dames making news in college football (I'm so sketchy-pervy, I make Gregg Easterbrook (1) look like Andrea Dworkin (2)):

What is the deal with the Pac-10 (3)? BYU (4) beats UCLA (5) by 59 (59), Baylor (6) beats the Washington State Cougars (7) (I wish I could meet a cougar like Kim Cattrall (8)!) 45-17, and Oregon (9) barely beats those Big Ten retards at Purdue (52). I use the term "Big Ten" with the same amount of respect as Mitt Romney (0) does for the term "liberal."

I think the Pac-10 (10) isn't going to be very good this year. If you're surprised to hear that from me, don't be; I'm great at stating the obvious (MOTO).

The Pac-10 Is Not Very Good

You see? Let's do it again. (That's what Sandra Bullock (The Net was awesome) said!)

Missouri Is Very Good

YEAH MAN TITS

Chase Daniel (11) and Jeremy Maclin (33,000) are integral parts of a potent Missouri offense. I can just write obvious things like 10 times in a row and ESPN busts a nut. I wish I could bust a nut to Paris Hilton (7)! Fordy (4d) yards!

Help Me...

...break my addiction to Yanni (11) fan-fiction!

Arizona State Should Not Have Lost To UNLV If They Were Actually Very Good

UNLV (13) stole a victory like I steal money from ESPN (TWWL) on a weekly basis. Watch, it gets worse.

The SEC-retaries of Defense

You wish you could come up with pablum like that. Now I'll rank a bunch of teams based on the flimsiest of stats. These are the best SEC teams based on how many points they've given up. I am actually paid to arrange these teams in a manner that bears only a passing resemblance to the reality of their quality. Speaking of quality, how about that Sarah Palin (72)! I'd gladly pay for my own rape kit (44) after a night with her! 

Florida (25232) (13 points)--I've got an idea, Tim Tebow (15) at linebacker!

Auburn (13) (15 points)--They gave up two points and won. I wish my wife would give up the number two, if you know what I mean! If you don't, I mean I watch way too much anal pornography (#2).

Kentucky (13) (16 points)--Here we go. Kentucky must be better than LSU!

LSU (13) (19 points)--I

Alabama (13) (23 points)--wish

Tennessee (13) (30 points)--my

I'D FERGLE HER LICIOUS

Mississippi State (13) (35 points)--life

South Carolina (13) (38 points)--wasn't

Georgia (13) (45 points)--so

Arkansas (13) (51 points)--tainted

Vanderbilt (13) (51 points)--with

Ole Miss (13) (64 points)--sadness. :-( My marriage is in shambles (26)!

Random But Important Question

Nobody (31) actually reads my shit and cares about it, right?

Next Week's Top Games Between Two Teams I'm Barely Familiar With

Utah at Air Force (pubes): Air Force won a game without completing a pass last week. What does this have to do with anything? Couldn't tell you! I can tell you about Kylie Minogue (9)! Mainly that she gave me an erection two hours before I wrote this!

Florida at Tennessee (52-20): The best place to find anything meaningful about this game is somewhere else! I like Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow (Tim Tebow))))!

Fresno State at Toledo (82): Toledo's defense is led by SS Barry Church (1). I know this because I read Phil Steele (deserves my job way more than I do)'s mag 30 seconds ago.

Putting out an APB for...

Jake Locker (999). I haven't heard anything about the guy in forever. What a leader Locker is. He's not the most athletic guy on the field, to say the least, but he's just the type of lunchpail, hard-working guy you like to bring home to Mom (ILF). Again, outstanding leadership, even though his coach is way, way more of an athlete than Locker is.

Point After

One of my favorite places to go watch a college football game is Memphis (Elvis). The Tigers (37) have been playing great ball as of late, and there's nothing quite like--what else--the Memphis cuisine! My favorite place to go is a hole in the wall called Buffalo Wild Wings. Memphis hot wings (38) and a nice cool local brew--Coors Light (39)--there's no better way to spend a Saturday!

There's also a local joint called "McDonald's," (40) and their commercial is a hoot. Try the "McBig Mac" sandwich, it's great. I'll see you in Fordy more yards (kill me).