Part 1

Scene: A palatial estate in western China. An emporer stares out a window, deep in thought.

 I cannot see a thing. Fucking smog.

A young helper walks into the room.

 Tea, your excerrency.

The man takes one sip and lackadaisically tosses the cup aside.

 Tea again! It's tea evewy day! It's rike this whore countwy onry gwows tea!

 Well, that's pwobabry twu

 I won't have it! I demand mowe! I'm the rurew of arr of China! I won in a randsride erection!

 It was definitery a huge erection.

 And now hewe I am, twying to get a goddamn dwink that tastes rike something othew than the smog outside my window, and thewe isn't any in this entiwe goddamn countwy!

 Youw excerrency, if I may

 NO! I hate the tawiffs and cost hikes and evewything that makes soda cost rike fifteen Chinabucks for a can! Something must be done!

 And here come the American athletes, the stars of the Olympics! Nobody's a bigger star than Michael Phelps or Lebron James, two world-class icons of athletics!

 Something quite sevewe indeed...

 Siw?

 Arert the authowities, young herpew... We'we going to trap the Amewicans and hord them for wansom.

 How wirr we accomprish this, siw?

 With the crevewest of prans evew: We'rr make the Amewicans give Rebron wight to us.

 How, Mao, how?

 Yao.

 Grrrrrrr...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Part 3 | Part 4