Say, friends, do you want to be the life of the tailgate this season? Do you want to get high-fives from friendly fans and foes alike? Do you want to feel like you floss more cheddar than Shullsberg Farms?

THEN HAVE WE GOT THE PERFECT ITEM FOR YOU!

This could be you. This should be you.

FootballFanatics.com offers jerseys and other memorabilia for every school imaginable, including something called Tufts Jumbos (hahaha, weird!). And in the Iowa jerseys section, you'll see quite a few options available for a certain #88. There's even youth and toddler sizes. "Awww, look, he's already grabbing my credit card! Who's my little felon? Who's my little felon??"

Anyway, here's the link to the adult size black #88 jersey. It's real--Nike was producing them before last season and pulled them after the legal fiascos began. Also, take note of the "Customers Also Bought" section below. I'm stunned--stunned--that there are no hats or shoes mentioned.