Jake Christensen Fights a Bear

[Jake Christensen finds himself in a forest with Ken O'Keefe]

   Uh, Coach?  What are we doing in this forest?
   The season starts this week, Jake.
   I know, coach.  I've been preparing all month.
   Your competitors are nipping at your heels, Jake.
   Don't you think I'd have a better chance of beating them if I was, you know, on the practice field?  Why are we in a forest?
   Jake, playing quarterback is not about throwing accurately and avoiding the pass rush.
   I don't do either of those things.
  THOSE THINGS DO NOT MATTER.  What matters, Jake, is that you look into your soul, identify your darkest fears, and confront them with courage and honesty.
   Shouldn't I be focusing more on reading coverages than confronting my irrational fears of evergreen trees and khaki pants?
   If I wanted a quarterback who could read defenses and throw accurately, I'd start Ricky Stanzi.  I want a warrior, Jake.  I want a gladiator.
   OK, well, there aren't any evergreens in this forest, and you're wearing jorts...
   Did you see the tag?  They're Tommy Hilfigers!
   ...So how am I to confront my fears?
   Check your leg pads, Jake.
   Did you say check my leg pads?  They're...they...they feel sort of slimy.  Wait a second...
   Yes...
   Why did you replace my pads with bacon?
   Because you must learn to become a warrior, Jake.  Look behind you.
   [turns around]
    ROAR
   AAAAAGH!
   FIGHT THE FEAR, JAKE!  FIGHT THE BEAR!

   [starts running]
   DON'T RUN FROM THE FEAR!  FIGHT THE BEAR!

  TURN AND FIGHT, JAKE!  TURN AND FIGHT!
   NO!  I CAN'T DO IT!  [keeps running from bear]
   ROAR

   AAAARGH!
   AAAARGH!  MY ARM!  [sits up in bed, drenched in cold sweat]
   [Takes two deep breaths]  It was only a dream...it was only a dream...it was only a dream...
   Jake, are you alright?
   Yeah, I'm fine.  Just a nightmare.  Go back to sleep.
   Don't be foolish.  I'm already awake.  Let me make you something to eat.
   No, really, go back to...wait, who is this?  [flips lightswitch]
   AAAAAAHHH!
   Maybe you would like some bacon?
   AAAAAAHHH!